Reformed SHEology

December. It seems every December I become a bit retrospective. I think I did a pretty good job last December of dissecting why I get this way every year. So it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that it's happening to me again. In fact, things have been going so good for me this year, that I almost didn't recognize what I have been feeling. I actually thought to myself, "Am I having a mid-life crisis?" Then I remembered that go through this every December. 

The first time I truly began to feel the pain of meaninglessness was December, 1989. As a precocious tenth grader, I was obsessed with the book, The Catcher in the Rye, and I began to write a narrative of my own thoughts in similar fashion. On the very first page of that journal I lamented the fact that I was fifteen, because I was "halfway to thirty." Even at that time, I understood that time is running out for everyone, including myself. Naturally, this was not a mid-life crisis at all. (If it were, I'd be dead by now, as I once mused at 18: "I can consider this year a mid-life crisis if I die at 36.") Rather, this is what I would call an existential crisis. In fact, a mid-life crisis is nothing more than an existential crisis in mid-life, but you can have one at any age!

In preparing for this post, I came across an interesting article which inspired me, and also inspired me to inspire you. Lawrence Yong gives us "Five Things To Keep in Mind Always". On the subject of time, he writes:

Why do we always picture ourselves living at the top half of the hourglass, where time is always slipping away?

Instead, why don’t we imagine ourselves in the bottom half of the hourglass?

There, every minute is followed by another minute that comes pouring in. Every hour’s followed by another hour and everyday is just the first of many days to come.

These sentiments uncover the exact science behind the so-called "mid-life crisis." A mid-life crisis, or any existential crisis, for that matter, is nothing more than discontentment over what God has given us. Instead of focusing on what we have, we are too busy focusing on what we do not have: we do not have our youth, we do not have our vibrant health and strength as we once did, and thus, we think we do not have our "whole life" ahead of us.

Yet if we look closely, we will see something odd about that last one. In fact, I think it is the very reason why Lawrence's post gripped me. Technically, it's true: we don't have our whole life ahead of us. Some of it is, in fact, behind us. But we still have so much of life ahead of us! As Lawrence indicated, we need to place ourselves in the bottom half of that hourglass, looking up. Did you get that last part? Looking up.

"We do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor 4:18).Some folks imagine when those grains of sand finally run out that there is nothing left. However those sands are simply the number of days that He has given to us to prepare for what's next. A mid-life crisis occurs when we focus on the sand, rather than what comes after the sand. In a sense, if we pictured ourselves on the bottom half, looking up, the sand is actually obstructing our view of God. As Christians, we should be trying to look beyond the sand so that we can see God at work through it all. We are told that one day, we will be able to see clearly (1 Corinthians 13:12).

The antidote to worrying that you may be wasting your life is simple: Don't. If you stop focusing on the life you could have had, you will have the clear vision to look ahead to see the life that you actually do have: the life God intended for you. So look up, my friends! We have all eternity ahead of us.

Related Articles:
Striking the Set
Romanticizing the Past
Age and Idolatry

Every fall semester I put in a few extra hours and teach a course at a local community college. One of my favorite ways to begin the semester is to ask each student, "If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?" It never fails: the number of students who choose an age in the past always outweighs both the students who choose an age in the future and those who choose their current age combined.

Most of us will admit to doing this as well. We've looked back at a time in the past and thought, "Wow, I wish I could be (x) years old again!" I think this is especially true for women. When you consider the pressure that the world places upon women to be physically attractive, it is easy for us to look in the mirror and lament the days when we were 20 years younger and 20 pounds lighter.

But worse than this, we have a tendency to romanticize the past. Again, everyone has experienced this phenomenon from time to time, but I feel women especially are prone to this temptation because our emotions run very deep. In our hearts, we may still have ties to certain people, places, and things from the past which will tempt us to yearn for that particular time in our lives all over again. The Bible warns us not to fall into this mentality, and provides the reason why:

Do not say, "Why is it that the former days were better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this. (Ecclesiastes 7:10)

When we lament "the former days", we are not exercising wisdom. There is a certain seduction that takes place when we start romanticizing the past. When our present situation appears less than fulfilling, we suffer from a selective memory. We choose only to remember that which was good, and forget that which was not so good. Suddenly the past seems so inviting, and we are despairing for "the good old days." We may feel as though we'd give anything to go back to that time in our lives. Our present situation, as well as our future, seems bleak.

I believe this is a tactic of the enemy to destroy our hope. Consider the skewed perspective of the people after the Lord had freed them from slavery and brought them out of Egypt:

Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, "Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at." (Numbers 11:4-6)

These people were not speaking from a place of wisdom. Yes, they had free fish, cucumbers, melons, and the like. But they were slaves! We love to read this account, shake our heads in disbelief, and ask how these people could be so foolish. Yet how many times have we have fallen victim to the very same deception?

The holidays are just around the corner and you're single. Suddenly, you're wishing you were back together with your abusive ex-boyfriend. Or perhaps you are noticing more wrinkles and gray hairs, so you think back on how attractive you were when you were eighteen -- and completely dead in your sins. Maybe you are sick of your job and wish you could go back to a time when you were unemployed -- and homeless. The book of Ecclesiastes is clear: when we think this way, we are not speaking from a place of wisdom. We are deceived into believing utter foolishness.

The reason it is foolish is we are taking our eyes off Christ and focusing instead on circumstances that we falsely believe will bring us happiness if we could just get them back. In Luke 17:32, we are warned to remember Lot's wife. As God spared her from destruction, she grieved the things she was leaving behind. She looked back, and was turned into a pillar of salt. Jesus cautions us that whomever wishes to save his life will lose it. Have you ever lost yourself in trying to hang on to the things of this world that are passing away?

The only time we are ever instructed in scripture to "look to the former days" is when we are commanded to remember the great things God has done for us to bring us out of various trials and difficulties. After considering all God has done, our present should appear far better than our past ever could be!

You have a choice: you can either lament over Yesterday as the Beatles did, or you can rejoice in Tomorrow. Which song best reflects the attitude of a person who has chosen to be not conformed to this world, but transformed, by the renewing of her mind?When we find ourselves longing for the day when we are released from our current circumstances, we can look to the past, or we can look to the future. Looking to the past produces nothing but despair because the past is elusive. We can never get it back. It is completely out of our grasp, forever. But looking to the future gives us hope, because the future is guaranteed to be delivered into our hands. God promises He will not only deliver us from these unpleasant situations, but also from our sin! And He will not stop there. God will take it one step further and deliver us into His own hands. He is preparing a place for us, where we can live with Him forever in eternity.

Our film of the month, Annie, was chosen because the most famous song from this story is a song called "Tomorrow." It may seem foolish to endorse what has been long heralded as a children's song, but this simple song is packed with wisdom. Just thinking about tomorrow will clear away all of the sadness, depression, despair, and hopelessness of today. Contrast that with a song like "Yesterday". After listening to that song, it's no wonder so many people say the Beatles are satanic!

You have a choice: you can either lament over Yesterday as the Beatles did, or you can rejoice in Tomorrow. Which song best reflects the attitude of a person who has chosen to be not conformed to this world, but transformed, by the renewing of her mind? (Romans 12:2).

Praise God, He is coming soon. Perhaps it will be tomorrow!

It was the summer of 1987. At thirteen, there was not much for me to do aside from having the occasional friend over, completing my assigned summer reading for school, and watching television. One of the television shows I watched religiously was A Current Affair (not to be confused with the Australian program by the same name). A Current Affair was a New York based, television tabloid show that focused on scandals. Unsolved murders and celebrity deaths were a regular topic on the program, but the Summer of 1987 was an unusually popular season for death. That's because August of 1987 marked the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death (August 16) as well as the 25th anniversary of the death of Marilyn Monroe (August 5).

Every weekday I watched this program. It seemed there was an endless amount of stories to report about Elvis or Marilyn: how lonely they were in life, how they both tried to reduce their emotional pain with drugs, superficial relationships, and material possessions. Both their lives ended in despair, as neither felt truly loved. Yet they both left behind millions of adoring fans who continued to grieve over their loss years after they passed. I was captivated by these stories. My interest soon grew into an obsession. Before long, I had posters of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Sal Mineo all over my bedroom walls.

I began the eighth grade that September. I continued to watch A Current Affair after school, and within a few weeks into the school year, I was faced with a frightening realization: I am going to die one day.

One night I had gone to bed and it just hit me. My life is going to end, just like everyone else who came before me. As I lay quietly in my bed, I suddenly became very aware of the sound of my own heartbeat. I imagined my heart stopping one day, my skin growing cold, and my body being placed in a coffin. I imagined the sound of dirt being shoveled on top of the coffin. It was dark. I would never see the sunshine again. My skin would rot, my hair would fall out. I envisioned worms crawling through my eye sockets and nasal cavity. I reasoned with myself that when I die will not be conscious of these things; that I was only feeling frightened because I was imagining my burial as though I were being buried alive. But it didn't help. I was scared. I did not want to die, but worse, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop the process.

I was literally paralyzed with fear the entire night. It felt as though there was a crushing weight on my chest and I could not breathe. I just remained on my back, staring at the ceiling, my arms pressed tightly to my side, and I stayed that way until morning. I was too tired to go to school that day, but I had no choice. So first period, I found myself in P.E. class.

My teacher came over and tried to help, but all I could manage to tell her was, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!"As I exited the locker room, I looked across the gymnasium at my classmates practicing basketball drills. Suddenly, an intrusive thought entered my mind: "One hundred years from now, not one of these children will be here anymore." I imagined the gymnasium suddenly empty, the bouncing basketballs abandoned on the floor. The fear gripped me again, and I started to panic. My fear gave way to uncontrollable sobs and I started hyperventilating. A classmate asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't answer. My teacher came over and tried to help, but all I could manage to tell her was, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!"

I don't remember how I got to the nurse's office. I just remember lying there paralyzed again. It was not long before I heard the sound of my mother's voice consulting with the school nurse. The nurse told me that my mother was taking me home. I was glad to be able to process this a bit with my mom. But once we got in the car, my mother became very angry with me.

"What is wrong with you?" she screamed. "You're thirteen years old and you're acting like a baby! Do you have some kind of mental problem?"

"No, mom." I squeaked.

"Well do you want everyone to think you have a mental problem?" she asked.

"No." I whispered.

"Then knock it off! Don't you dare embarrass this family!"

Before you think my mother was horribly cruel in her reaction, there is something you need to understand about Italian-Americans. We do not air our dirty laundry outside the family. (This blog, and especially this story, is an extreme violation of this cultural code of honor.) We also have a tendency to ignore problems within the family, hoping they'll just smooth out on their own. It is all part of fare bella figura, which basically means "to create a beautiful figure (or image)". We will knock ourselves out to present an overdeveloped facade to outsiders. We are a proud people. We don't want anyone to think we have any problems.

I went home that day and stuffed my feelings down as far as I could, but they kept resurfacing. In public, I was a happy, well-adjusted child. But privately, I was hiding a secret from everyone: I was mortal, I knew it, and I was terrified.

In hindsight, I now know that what I had experienced that day was a series of severe panic attacks. Obviously, this is not the end of the story, but allow me to end here for today to reflect upon my favorite, most cherished psalm, Psalm 116.

Praise be to One who conquered the grave; who died that I may live.

Physical appearance is a concern that is commonly designated to women. Yet in our increasingly superficial society, more and more men are feeling the pressure to measure up to the culture's standard of attractiveness. Since our theme this month is true beauty, we thought we'd examine some of the issues surrounding male pattern baldness . . . and see if perhaps the Bible might have anything to say about the subject. In honor of our brothers in Christ, who are more visual, we've decided to go with more images in order to demonstrate that bald is beautiful!

Fact: Adults lose about 100 scalp hairs each and every day.

Scripture Says: The very hairs on your head are all numbered. (Matthew 10:30; Luke 12:7)

Fact: Men begin losing their hair as early as age 20. Therefore, baldness is not a sign of age.

Scripture says: The glory of young men is their strength,but the splendor of old men is their gray hair. (Proverbs 20:29, emphasis added)


Fact: Baldness is commonly regarded by many as a sign of weakness and disgrace. For this reason it is often the cause of great psychological distress in men.

Scripture says: [Elisha] went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys. (2 Kings 2:23-24)"I bristle when I hear advertisements for hair growth. They make it sound like hair loss is the worst possible thing that could happen to you." ~Michael Chiklis, Actor

Fact: Most men are genetically predisposed to baldness. This is because baldness is caused by testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for both primary and secondary sex characteristics in men. (And I believe, just as long hair on a woman is a symbol of femininity, less hair on a man is a symbol of masculinity!)


Scripture says: For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man. For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but all things are from God. Judge among yourselves. Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him? But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; for her hair is given to her for a covering. (1 Corinthians 11:3-15, emphasis added).

We here at Reformed SHEology want to encourage our brothers in Christ to not grow anxious over seeing more skin up top. In the spirit of 1 Corinthians 11, we encourage you to say it loud: I'm bald and I'm proud! The world wants so much for us to focus on the flesh. For women, it's usually our weight, for men, it's their hair. Let's encourage one another in brotherly (and sisterly) love by praising one another for the way we strive to look more and more like Christ every day.

The following video features an interview with Patrick Stewart, who began losing his hair at age 19. We hope this video will inspire men to have the right attitude about the way God has chosen for them to look:

Nobody asked me to my senior prom. With only two months to go, things were looking bleak. So I took it upon myself to do the asking. I had set my sights on Brian. He was smart, handsome, funny, and extremely talented. He was quickly becoming one of the most popular boys in school, yet in spite of the approval Brian was receiving from others, I found myself at the center of gossip. Even with all his impressive adolescent credentials, Brian was still considered "aiming low." That's because Brian was a sophomore.

There were lots of seniors that year who chose dates that were two years younger. Nobody made fun of them. There did not seem to be any controversy over the older boys that had chosen younger girls to be their dates. But for me, an older girl, to be taken to the prom by a younger boy, well . . . that was nothing short of scandalous!

That was 1992. Yet not much has changed since then, has it? It is interesting to note how much "progress" same-sex couples have made in just the last 15 years alone, but the older woman/younger man combination is still largely taboo in today's society. Why is that?

I think the lack of acceptance these relationships receive is due to perceptions which are based purely on myth. Perhaps the biggest stigma attached to these relationships is the idea that the woman is always the seducer -- not the pursuer, the seducer. Research shows that this is not the case. In nearly all of these relationships, the man is still the pursuer. Yet films like The Graduate seem to have left the impression that women in these situations are not much different than Mrs. Robinson. Imagine - a film made over 40 years ago still has that much of an effect on people's perceptions about older women being courted by younger men!

I also think the idea itself is associated with feminist philosophy, yet I do not find this idea feminist at all. Somewhere along the line, we have mistaken age for leadership. A man does not need to be older than a woman to be a good leader, and a woman does not need to be younger than a man in order to demonstrate submission to that leadership. But I think the very presence of this myth is evidence for God's truth. Somehow, the world has indeed recognized that men are the natural leaders. It is easy to assume that if a man is older, he will do a better job of leading. He'll have more life experience, more knowledge, and more resources to be a better provider. Older men are seen as powerful (especially in the area of finances). Likewise, if a woman is older, it is tempting to assume she will "wear the pants" in the relationship. Somewhere along the line, we have mistaken age for leadership.

But God's truth does not discriminate on the basis of age. What makes a man a good leader is not that he is older than the woman, but that he possesses the character traits of a godly man. And a godly woman will demonstrate the qualities of Proverbs 31, regardless of her age. Films such as The Graduate add to the negative stereotype of these situations because the plot of the movie is scandalous in itself: Benjamin is in love with Elaine, but is sleeping with her mother. The circumstances surrounding the characters in this film are what make it somewhat akin to a Greek tragedy. But the age difference alone between Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson is not a sin!

Sadly, many women in these situations will allow themselves to feel vulnerable because they are afraid that the man will eventually leave them for a younger, more attractive woman. In All About Eve, our film of the month, Margo Channing (Bette Davis) is romantically linked with a man who is 8 years her junior (Gary Merrill -- the two later pursued an offscreen romance and were eventually married in real life). Margo becomes insecure over the age difference and allows her fears to show through her cleverly delivered lines:

BILL: Your guests were also wondering whether the music couldn't be a shade more on the - shall we say, happier side?

MARGO: If my guests do not like it here, I suggest they accompany you to the nursery where I'm sure you will all feel more at home.

Older women need not fear that younger men will lose their attraction on the basis of age. This is because it is the inner qualities of an older woman that capture the younger man's attention. In fact, Dr. Joyce Brothers has been quoted as saying: "The younger man is attracted to an older woman most likely because of her poise, her social graces, her contacts. She has a polish he hasn’t yet acquired." It's true!

I personally have always found myself attracted to younger men. It's not because I feel a sense of accomplishment for conquering some patriarchal stereotype, but simply because I it seems that younger men who have an interest in me are really interested in me as a person. They have respect for my ideas and opinions. They aren't too proud to admit they can learn from me as much as I can learn from them. Unlike older men, they do not try to use their age or experience to compensate for a lack of leadership skills. There is a raw honesty there - one which says, "This is me, and I'm not going to try to hide the fact that I don't know everything." A younger man is not threatened by an older woman's accomplishments. Instead, he is inspired by them. He knows that the older woman once walked in his shoes, and if she can be successful, then so can he!

But what I find most attractive is that certain confidence which accompanies the man who is not too shy to pursue an older woman. Certainly there is also a confidence that comes with a woman who is not afraid to allow herself to be pursued by such a man.

And to that I say, Koo Koo Ka Choo!

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GROWING OLDER?
Today is my 34th birthday. Over the weekend my mother remarked, "You're getting old, Jen!" and then in a softer voice, "It's scary." I ignored the comment. There is absolutely nothing more I can say to change her perspective and stop her from saying that year after year. She said it when I was 10. She said it when I was 16. She said it when I was 21. She said it when I was 30. Apparently, it bothers her a great deal that I am aging.

Most folks without Christ and even some who do profess to be Christians have a real problem with growing older. I believe the reason is twofold: a) This culture worships youth. Loss of youthfulness is a threat to one's perceived self-worth because youth is what is valued by the culture. b) Growing older means we are one step closer to death. For many who have not come to accept their own mortality, this is a very uncomfortable truth to be reckoned with. Let's look at both of these issues from a biblical perspective and see if we can come to a different conclusion about aging and dying.

THE IDOL OF YOUTH
The worship of youthfulness is one of the key ways we can assess the condition of our hearts according to the Word of God. The world values youth purely for physical reasons. Young people are considered more attractive, more physically fit, and more open-minded and "lively." The elderly, on the other hand, are often portrayed in the media as being slow, set in their ways, less physically attractive, and dim-witted. But just as with everything else, the Bible takes the way the world sees youth and age and turns these concepts upside down.

According to the Bible, it is age that makes a person more attractive because with age comes great wisdom. Wisdom is a coveted quality in the Bible. Much of the imagery in Proverbs especially asserts the high value the Bible places on the type of wisdom that only comes with experience, but other Scriptures such as the Fifth Commandment also stress the importance of giving honor and respect to our elders. We would think, after spending a lifetime honoring our elders, that we would be happy to actually "graduate" to that status ourselves. But instead of being ecstatic over turning a year older, we lament, "What a drag it is getting old," right alongside the Rolling Stones.

It isn't easy for us to keep their eyes focused on the ways of God instead of the ways of the world, particularly women. The world puts a heavy emphasis on youth as being a prerequisite to beauty. Women have done some torturous things to themselves all in the name of beauty. Each year, millions and millions of dollars are spent by female consumers to thwart the aging process. I'll let you all in on a little secret: It doesn't work! The only way true, lasting beauty can be achieved is when both men and women alike embrace the Bible's formula for attractiveness.

THE IDOL OF LIFE
The second reason why many people fear getting old is because youth is also associated with vitality. The older you are, the closer you are to dying because you are nearing the end of your life. This is true. In fact, every single day, each of us grows one day closer to the appointed time of our death. If this disturbs us, we have to take a hard look at ourselves and ask, "why?"

For some, growing old and dying is a frightening idea. Some of us, as I noted above, are simply uncertain of where we will end up when we die. If you are not sure you will enter heaven upon the event of your death, please click here.

Others are certain they are headed for heaven, but they are still not looking forward to death. There is only one reason why, and I'd like to credit C.J. Mahaney for putting it so brilliantly:

Death is a limit God puts on creatures that wish they were Him.
That is a very pithy statement. Think about that. Death is actually a limit that God puts on us to keep our pride in check. Wow! I bet you never looked at death in that way before, have you? I sure haven't. But it is true. The reason why each and every one of us does not want to die, if we are not so much afraid of death, is because we have absolutely no control over it. There is only One who has the power to call the shots when it comes to death. And we're not Him. Death is a limit God puts on creatures that wish they were Him.

The Bible says that God has put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). This is because we were created in His image. It is natural for us to yearn for immortality, because God is immortal. But because of sin, we cannot handle immortality in a responsible, holy way. For this reason, God has appointed a time for each man to die, and then the judgment (Hebrews 9:27). The good news is, we do have the opportunity to cheat death. There's just one catch: you can't do that without special permission from Jesus Christ.

If you are disappointed over the truth of your own mortality, ask God to search your heart and give you the grace to repent of this sin. This is pride. It is the very sin of Satan, who wanted to be God. Isn't it interesting how the Bible says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever? He never changes. The fact that we age reminds us that we are not eternal.

CONCLUSION
A birthday is not only a celebration of the day of one's birth, but also, a mile marker of grace. Each year that we are permitted to exist on this earth is a gift from God, who has ordained each of our steps from before the dawn of time. We are here for one reason and one reason alone: to glorify God. I think it is interesting how we all recognize God's indescribable beauty, although we've never seen physically seen Him. The shedding of our youth is a divine opportunity for each of us to embrace the true beauty which lies within, and is in direct opposition to the beauty of this world, which is just an illusion. I believe it is also true that God never fully allows us to reach complete sanctification on this earth as a way of setting another limit on us. With each year of life comes a new wrinkle and a few gray hairs, but also the tests and trials that produce the wisdom of a mature faith. Each time you notice your hairline receding, think of it as a way of slowly but surely shedding the superficial exterior to reveal the likeness of Christ that you are cultivating day by day.