Reformed SHEology

A few months ago, a visitor commented, "So your [sic] telling me that you don't believe women should have rights? That we should just stay at home, bare [sic] children and have no options and let the man do the job even if he is a lousy breadwinner?" At first, I wanted to give the blog itself a chance to respond, hoping that the reader would find the answer to her question throughout the rest of the site, but then I realized I have no way of knowing if she ever found the answer she was looking for, so I am going to formally respond to it here.
There are two ways I can answer the question as to whether or not women should have rights: Yes and No. Let's look at "no" first.

NO, WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE RIGHTS
I know we have some very astute readers who will point out to me a valid reason that women should not have rights, and so I know I cannot answer the visitor's question without first addressing that perspective here.

Our insightful readers will naturally point out that the Bible says: "The earth is the Lord's, and all it contains, the world, and all who dwell in it." (Psalm 24:1) Therefore, women should not have rights because no one, Christian or non-Christian, has any rights to begin with! (If women had rights and men didn't, that wouldn't be fair, would it?) Our money, our possessions, our talents, even the very air we breathe does not belong to us. It is borrowed and belongs to Someone else. Technically, women should not have rights (nor should men) because everything we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell belongs to God. (Psalm 24:1 states that our very selves are God's possessions.) If we have anything, including our "rights," it is for one reason and one reason alone: He has graciously chosen to give that to us.

The Bible further states that when a person becomes a Christian, that person willingly gives up all those things they perceive to be their "rights". We become slaves to Christ. We do what our Master tells us to do. Fortunately in our case, we serve a perfect Master, who will never steer us down the wrong path. We can trust Him with whatever instructions He gives. That being said, I can now move on to the response that I'm sure our visitor was looking for.

YES, WOMEN SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS
Throughout this site from time to time, we have featured some articles marking our feelings regarding the ideology known as "feminism." Generally speaking, we at Reformed SHEology do not adhere to feminist values, and at times have openly criticized feminist ideology on this blog. Why? Because it can be argued that "feminism," while intended to combat the effects of sexism, basically promotes sexist ideas in reverse. I would never doubt or question some of the wonderful achievements brought about by the American Feminist Movement, or claim that these victories were anything less than good (such as the right to vote and the campaign for equal pay). But other than this, much of what we see from feminist mentality is an effort to divide men and women further, rather than bring them closer together. Feminism's intent is to win victories for women, but the main "achievement" of feminism is often to fight wars against men. It is now acceptable to ridicule, insult, and berate men, even to the point of denying them the very things that define their masculinity. Feminism rarely objects to this phenomenon, and many who consider themselves feminists heartily approve of this type of behavior as an expression of feminism itself.

God has created women for a very noble purpose: to help men. Being a man is tough. Women can openly show emotion and talk about their feelings with just about anybody. But society in general does not allow men this same luxury. The average man will tell you there his only one person with whom he feels safe enough to open up, and that's his woman. For this reason, God tells women to submit to men. It is not a command to be subservient, nor is this command equal with the term oppression. Women are commanded by God to respect and submit to men because this is how men feel loved. If you want to show a man you love him, you cannot love him the way a woman wants to be loved. You have to love him according to the way a man wants to be loved. Submission, therefore is an act of the will. You choose to submit. No man can force you to do it!

Women are commanded to submit to men. We hate this because we mistakenly think that this is a one-sided effort. But upon closer inspection, we see that men are commanded to love women. In my experience, men do a pretty good job of loving us. How about it, ladies? Do we need to be reminded of how they faithfully put up with our bad attitudes in spite of our ridiculous attempts at rationalizing our behavior? Simply say the letters "PMS" to a man and he will instantly back off. He will not defend himself against our rude, angry, unjustified cruelties toward him. He will just endure it. This is his way of loving us unconditionally, even when we don't deserve it. He does this every month for us, no? Yet we continually ask, "So you're telling me we should let the man do the job, even if he's a lousy breadwinner?" The answer is, "Only if you love him." If you don't love your man, go ahead and tell him how disappointed you are in him. Go ahead and take matters into your own hands, letting him know just how much of a failure you think he is. Feel free to respect him only when he deserves it. Just don't expect him to treat you with kindness the next time you are undeserving.

Scripture clearly commands both men and women to treat one another with kindness. Should women have "rights"? Of course! The Bible addresses this issue with men and commands them to treat us with love. Do men always treat us with love? Absolutely not. But this is no reason to launch a full-blown war against them. It is also no reason to punish every man for the crimes of one. That being said, it can be argued that there is no need for feminism at all. Why? The Bible makes such ideology unnecessary. A clear, thorough reading of the Bible will reveal that God does not hate women, nor does He consider them to be second class-citizens. He cares very much about how men treat us. (Consider 1 Peter 3:7, which states that if a man is unkind to his wife, God will ignore his prayers!) Instead, the Bible has made provision for the respect and proper treatment of women, declaring them equal in value to men (just different in role and function) as co-heirs of the Kingdom. No man-made (or woman-made) ideology is going to improve upon what the Creator has designed.

My grandmother died on February 15, 2011. She was 91 years old. Our family had been preparing for this day since July 2010, when she first fell ill, and it was around that time I began to reflect upon her life. I thought about specific memories I have of her from my childhood. I also thought about little things I'd categorize as "Grandma Trivia." (For instance, she worked for many years as a seamstress in a factory.) But it wasn't until the actual funeral that I began to dwell on the manner in which my grandmother expressed her femininity, especially since she played the role of a single mom for 60 years.

My grandfather left the family when my dad was three years old (1951). We always had contact with him, and he had a presence in our lives until his death in 2001, but he did not really have any type of real commitment to the family that required any responsibility. It was my grandmother who worked, raised three boys, cooked for her family and cleaned the home all by herself. She didn't need a man's help. She didn't need a man at all!

My grandmother worked hard, but she also played hard. I remember around 1982 or 1983, she took a trip to Switzerland by herself. She belonged to several clubs, had tons of friends, played bingo, and went to senior citizen dances. She lived by herself. As I began to review her life as a single woman, I began to think that maybe the single life really is pretty amazing. When I considered the fact that my Grandmother was single for most of her life, I began to strategize how I could do the same: "Do I really need a man? Grandma didn't. And as a Christian, I know that I already have everything I need. So I suppose I don't need a man. I don't need a man to be happy, I don't need a man to survive, and I don't need a man to define my femininity. I'm single, and I'm doing all right!"

My cousin Joe, a Christian, delivered a very brief speech at the funeral home. With tears in his eyes, he said, "When my mom died, Grandma did everything for us. EVERYTHING." It was true. Joe's mother passed away when he was only 16, and there was Grandma who stepped right in and became a surrogate mother to him and his siblings. She remained in that role for 15 years, again, without a husband. She honestly and truly did not need a man!

But as Joe continued his speech, something became very clear to me. As I listened to him talk about how Grandma cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and basically kept that house together after his mother died, it was evident that Grandma did not need Joe, but Joe needed her.

More than ever, I realized the importance in of women in the lives of men. The Bible tells us that we were created for them! As a single woman, it can be easy to forget that, not only because we are so independent, but because this is what we often tell ourselves when we are trying to remain content with our singleness. In many cases, we're right. Technically, we don't need a man. In Christ, we have all we need. But as Christians, we should be equally aware of others' needs, not just our own.

Here's a thought to encourage you. 1 Peter 3:7 describes women as "the weaker sex." Many times, passages like this are misunderstood to mean that men are somehow superior to women, but let me challenge that idea with this question: what do you think this says about men, considering that women were created to be their helpers? Think of the incredible honor it is, knowing that someone "stronger" than you is actually depending upon you for help!

Strong people are not necessarily independent, but interdependent. Strong people are not strong because they can do everything alone. Strong people are strong because others lean on them for help. This is the privilege that women have as helpers to men. Consider Jesus, the strongest Person of all, who did not remain independent of humanity, but carried the weight of the world's sin on His shoulders. Now that's real strength!

Married or single, when was the last time you said to yourself, "I don't need a man"? What was the situation? What was the condition of your heart? I ask this not to imply that your attitude was poor. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps you don't need a man after all . . . but maybe, just maybe, there is a man out there who desperately needs you.

All my life I've struggled with the temptation to repress my strengths. Growing up, I was singled out for being smart and talented. I always felt that I had tons of admirers, but nobody to really call my friend. I used to wonder, "If I didn't have the ability to do this or that, would people would still like me? Why can't people just like me for who I really am?"

Once I became a Christian, I tried to find ways to embrace my talents for God's glory. Sadly, I discovered I had a new predicament. Instead of being admired for my abilities, I was hated. Other women in the church were jealous that I was stealing their spotlight. I saw the problems that it was causing, and so I tried not to be too good at certain things. I would purposely sing out of tune. I pretended not to know the answers to questions when I really did. I stopped wearing makeup. I was afraid that if I showed people my good qualities, they would not only fail to see the real me, but they would hate me altogether!

My talents weren't my only problem. My personality came under fire a lot, too. I remember a time about ten years ago, someone told me, "The reason you have no friends is because you talk too much, and people find that to be really annoying. Try to be more quiet and people will like you more." I knew there was some truth to this. After all, the Bible says, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house, lest he become weary of you and hate you" (Proverbs 25:17). I decided not to tell so many funny stories. People might find that annoying. Worse, they might think I was self-absorbed. It was probably best not to share so many of my joys with others, or to laugh too loudly about them when I did.

Striving toward these unrealistic self-improvements was a way of life for me, and it was exhausting. On one hand, some people would only like me for my positive traits. On the other hand, some people would hate me for having those very same characteristics. It seemed that the only logical solution and way of escape was to completely divorce myself from my good qualities. And that's exactly what I did, until about three weeks ago.

In spite of the fear that nobody would like the real me minus all the "frills," I was plagued over the knowledge that God had gifted me, and that I was wasting those gifts by hiding them from the world. I begged Him to show me how to manage this dilemma. He said, "My child, you ask why people can't like you for the real you. I tell you, those good qualities are the real you. If I didn't give you those qualities, you'd be someone else entirely."

God doesn't say silly things like, "Oh Jennifer, the only reason you worship Me is because I am all-powerful and sovereign. Why can't you just love Me for who I am?"It's true. Our strengths are part of who we are, and we cannot separate ourselves from them. God Himself is a unique being who possesses many wonderful attributes, and the Bible tells us that He cannot deny Himself (2 Timothy 2:13). If He were any less loving, merciful, powerful, or creative, He would cease to be God! God doesn't say silly things like, "Oh Jennifer, the only reason you worship Me is because I am all-powerful and sovereign. Why can't you just love Me for who I am?" How ridiculous! That is who He is! So it should come as no surprise that our good qualities are part of who we are as well. Should people admire us for some skill we may possess, we need not worry, "If I didn't have this ability, would they still like the real me?" The question is an impossibility. That skill is the real you. Trying to divorce ourselves from that skill would break up the complex combination of strengths that God has brought together in order to make each of us a unique creation.

And what about those people who may experience a little jealousy over our strengths from time to time? Does God allow that to bother Him? Of course not. Everywhere you go, there are people who utterly despise God because He is holy, righteous, and just. They do not like the fact that He is the ultimate authority. And so how do these people manage those aspects of God that they dislike? It's simple: they divorce Him from those attributes. They say things like, "MY God would never send anyone to hell." And they are right. Their God wouldn't send anyone to hell. But their God is not the God of the Bible!

As reformed Christians, we can get so caught up in our awareness of the sin of pride that we end up repenting of things that aren't even sin, for fear that we might become prideful. We put ourselves through a legalistic series of attempts to prevent any possible future occurrence of sin, and we do so in our own strength. Yet this is an exercise in futility because Christ has already taken care of that by dying on the cross. In the case of divorcing myself, I wanted to shut down in order to prevent people from getting jealous over my gifts, and to prevent myself from becoming too prideful about my gifts. So I went around hiding those parts of myself that I felt would cause trouble. I created a fake Jen, and I was essentially saying that the fake Jen I created was a vast improvement upon the real Jen, whom God created. Now THAT is pride!

Are there any aspects of yourself that you have you been trying to divorce? Is it your hearty laugh, your opinionated views, or the wisdom you have to offer? Have you been trying to squeeze your femininity into a one-size-fits-all container? Whose idea of biblical womanhood are you trying to imitate? If it's not sin, don't try to rid yourself of it. God has made you just the way you are for a reason, and there is nothing you can do to improve upon what He has done. So laugh, smile, speak your mind! It's not a sin to shine.

When I was a child, I used to love my father's Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young albums. I must have listened to Deja Vu thousands of times. My favorite tracks on that album were "Everybody I Love You," "Carry On," "Helpless," "Four and Twenty," "Teach Your Children," "Woodstock" -- I must confess, the entire album is just a masterpiece. Even though I am a Christian, it remains one of my guilty pleasures to this day.

There is one song from that album though that runs through my head without fail every single time I think about cutting my hair. It's hypnotic. It's addicting. It's an anthem. (Click here for the lyrics).

Obviously, this is a song about rebellion, a favorite of every long-haired hippy and flower child of the Woodstock generation. Ironically, it also appeals to me as a "Reformed SHEologian." For me, growing my hair is an act of counter-rebellion. The Bible says:

Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. If anyone is inclined to be contentious, we have no such practice, nor do the churches of God (1 Corinthians 11:14-16, ESV.)

Now before anyone accuses me of legalism, let me just make it clear that having long hair or short hair does not affect one's status in the Kingdom of God. We are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, period. But even as Christians, there are certain practices that are familiar to us which symbolize our regeneration. Baptism is one. The Lord's Supper is another. And I happen to believe that another way we demonstrate that we have embraced God's order in creation is that we present ourselves as male or female by our physical appearance. Our physical appearance is an outward symbol of what's going on in our hearts.

Historically, cutting off one's hair has been a symbol of feminine rebellion for years. Countless movies and television shows will always show a woman cutting her hair after some falling out with a man. For example, the man leaves her for someone half her age, and what is the very next thing we see? The woman going out on the town, charging up all the man's credit cards to get a new wardrobe, a manicure, and of course a drastic haircut. Cutting the hair, especially in an act of "revenge" against a man communicates "I am taking charge of my life!" It is such a powerful image because the woman is taking control of something that she feels belongs to her and her alone: her body.

You might be saying, "So? What's the big deal? It's only hair." Well, here is why I think this is a very subtle, but crucial offense to a Holy God. In a prior post, I wrote the following:

We are in rebellion when we make any decree for ourselves that is against God's design. We are saying that we are in control of our situation, not God. We deny Him of His sovereignty and usurp His place as Most High . . . Whenever we make statements that disagree with Scripture, we are in rebellion. At best, we are insinuating that God's decree could use some fine-tuning. At worst, we allow ourselves to alter God's design completely to suit our own needs. This manifests itself in a wide spectrum of ways, from a simple matter of shirking responsibility or refusing to submit, to declaring oneself to be homosexual or a transgender individual. All of these attitudes are equally sinful because they all stem from the same argument of "I can't help it . . . that's how I was created".

In the above article, I draw a parallel between a simple refusal to submit and a homosexual lifestyle. Both come from the same mindset. If I insist that I have an outspoken personality and "that's how I was created," I will naturally toss aside any commands in God's Word which require me to submit. This is the same argument many homosexuals use to justify their lifestyle: "That's just how I was created." Likewise, when our drastic haircut is accompanied by the phrase, "This is my body and I'll do what I want with it," where is the boundary? Truly an attitude such as this is really no different from the woman who says, "This is my body and I'll fornicate with whomever I want to," or, "This is my body and I have a right to an abortion."

Again, please do not misunderstand where I am coming from. I am not saying cutting one's hair is a sin on par with fornication and murder. I am not saying that cutting one's hair is a sin at all. What I am saying is that the mentality behind some of our motives for cutting our hair is what displeases God. Cutting one's hair is often simply a matter of better hygiene. If your hair is dry or has tattered ends, it can look quite beautiful if it is shorter. In fact, many women wear their hair short and are absolutely stunning.

But cutting one's hair can be construed as sinful when it is done in an effort to undermine, rebel against, or equate oneself with male leadership or God's design. For example, in Splendor in the Grass, our film of the month, Deenie Loomis (Natalie Wood) is seen cutting off her hair after the infamous "bathtub scene." (See it here at 6:50.) Deenie has chosen to preserve her virginity as her mother advises. But when her boyfriend fornicates with another girl, she rages at her mother, saying, "I'm not spoiled! I'm just as fresh and as virginal as the day I was born! I'm a good little girl, mom! A good little, good little, good little girl! I always did everything daddy and mommy told me! I obeyed every word!" In the next scene we see Deenie hacking away at her hair with a pair of scissors. Deenie cuts her hair in a fit of anger, pain, and desperation. She tries to drop her "good girl" image in an effort to win back her boyfriend. This is the type of mentality that rejects God's prescription for holiness.

Although not every woman cuts her hair for these reasons, an overwhelming majority of us have cut our hair at least once in our lifetimes in an effort to "shed" our femininity. Cutting one's hair has become so synonymous with rebellion against traditional womanhood, I have chosen to counter-rebel against this practice by growing mine.


Truly, the only reason I cut my hair short was because I didn't have time to take care of it. I always said that I was too busy to worry about something as trivial as my hair. I wanted my morning routine to be easy, and eliminating an extra twenty minutes on my hair seemed like a good idea. But I thought to myself, if growing my hair is something that would show God that I have fully submitted to Him, shouldn't I make time for it? If the only reason I am not wearing my hair long is because it's a nuisance, what else will I cut short? Will I also sacrifice my daily study of God's Word, assuming I don't have time for that either? I know God doesn't love me any more with longer hair than with shorter hair. But this Jesus Freak feels like letting her freak flag fly. Let's just say, "I feel like I owe it to Someone."

LESSONS FROM SHAKESPEARE
My favorite Shakespearean play of all time (ironically, even before I was interested in Biblical femininity) is The Taming of the Shrew. Not many people know this about me, but I studied theatre in college and there was once a time when I wanted to be an actor. There are still some traces of passion for the theatre flowing through my veins, as I reflect on some coveted roles I never got the chance to play. Kate was one of those roles.

I was fortunate enough to perform at least one speech from this play for my acting class. It was, as most Shakespeare buffs may have already guessed, Kate's final monologue. The speech in itself meant so much to me, because so much of it reminds me of my relationship with my beautiful bridegroom Jesus.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, Kate is a rebellious, uncontrollable, and downright nasty woman. No one wants Kate, as she is the least desirable woman in town. But when Petruchio shows up wishing to marry her, she has finally met her match. For the remainder of the play we watch him "tame" his bride by sometimes putting her through difficult testing and trials. In the end, Kate proves to be the very picture of femininity, and brings great honor to her husband when he calls for her obedience to him in public. She not only obeys his command, but reprimands the other wives present for rebelling against their husbands.

Naturally, this play is criticized by feminists worldwide as being sexist and misogynistic, but it is in fact a very symbolic and beautiful picture of how our dear Lord tames each one of us. I will not offer my own commentary on the monologue's imagery, but rather, I will let you meditate on the words for yourself. On this Resurrection Sunday, remember all that Christ had to suffer to tame the wayward shrew in each of our hearts. See how much of Kate's speech you identify with (I have pasted it in its entirety below):

KATE: Fie, fie, unknit that threat'ning unkind brow
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor.
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,
Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,
And in no sense is meet or amiable.
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty,
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty
Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee
And for thy maintenance; commits his body
To painful labor both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou li'st warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks, and true obedience--
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince,
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace,
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway,
Whey they are bound to serve, love, and obey.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?
Come, come, you froward and unable worms,
My mind hath been as big as one of yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply more,
To bandy word for word and frown for frown.
But now I see our lances are but straws,
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,
And place your hands below your husband's foot,
In token of which duty, if he please,
My hand is ready, may it do him ease.

Toula: Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!"
Maria: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants!

The reason this line is a classic is because it is entirely true. God may have given men a leadership role, but He gave women influential power. However, I do not think women realize how much power they have over men. Unfortunately, those who do understand this incredible power tend to exercise their influence in wicked ways. In fact, I did it just this past weekend.

Last week my dad had a cancer scare. He had a bone marrow biopsy and we were waiting to hear the results whether or not he had leukemia. Neither of my parents are saved. I have tried to witness to them ever since I became a Christian in 1993.

About three weeks before I learned my dad may be sick, God put it on my heart to begin praying more prayers focused on his salvation. My parents were very upset and afraid, not knowing what would happen. They asked everyone in creation to pray. Then on Thursday, we learned he did not have cancer after all. I took the opportunity to invite my father and mother to church. They said they’d think about it.

On Saturday night I went out of town, but I called my parents to confirm that they were going to church the next day. My mom told me that they were not going to go because they’d rather go to a water park. I was floored! Here is a man who just had a cancer scare and he gets a clean bill of health, just to blow off an opportunity to learn more about God. I was so angry. I flat out told my parents over the phone, "That's a real snub! Those test results did not have to turn out the way they did. And now you're going to a water park? That is just not right!"

My parents wound up coming to church with me the next day. Throughout the service, they appeared extremely uncomfortable. As soon as the worship began, I immediately felt sorry for manipulating them to come to church by laying a guilt trip on them. I wished I had just offered them the opportunity to come to church on Resurrection Day. But what was done was done.

God is sovereign and He did use the situation. But throughout the entire service I could not shake the feeling that I had manipulated my own father with a wicked use of my female influence. I persuaded my father to come to church out of guilt. I felt awful. I knew I had sinned. In addition to wickedly influencing my dad, I did not trust God enough to work in my dad's heart. The Lord knew my father was going to have to undergo this biopsy -- He nudged me to pray for my dad three weeks before I even knew what was going on. But I had to usurp control from God and from my father by making a decision for my entire family that we were going to church together that weekend.

Why was I tempted in the first place? It was because I rationalized the situation and in my mind, my sin became justified. I assumed that because we live in Orlando, and it is hot all the time, they could go to the water park any time they wanted to -- but we are not guaranteed our next breath. Therefore, it was far better for me to get them to church now, and let them enjoy the water park later, rather than allow them to have fun today when they are not promised tomorrow. I reasoned with myself that they may never have another chance to go to church and hear the gospel. I reasoned that this was the perfect time since my father had to seriously contemplate his own mortality. I assumed my dad would want to come to church out of gratitude for receiving an answer to prayer. And in my mind, that was plenty reason to take control and start calling the shots. As a result, I put my father, whom I am supposed to honor, in a position of submission to me. Ugh. I cringe every time I think about it. Men are visual. We need to influence them by demonstration, not dissertation. There is absolutely no amount of words we can use to convince them of anything.

It is absolutely permissible to influence a man. In fact, God intended that to be woman's primary function. But we should be influencing men in an effort to edify, not to manipulate. Usually, our influence is most successful when we follow this formula: Show, Don't Tell.

Men are visual. We need to influence them by demonstration, not dissertation. There is absolutely no amount of words we can use to convince them of anything. In fact, the more words we use, the more likely the man's eyes will glaze over. We cannot speak to them in our language and expect them to understand. This serves us, but it doesn't serve them.

I have known my father long enough to know that he would not be comfortable at church. My dad has known me long enough to know that there is no place in the world I'd rather be. If I had simply kept my mouth shut, perhaps my father would have asked to come to church. Granted, that is highly unlikely, but if he did, not only would it have been his decision, but he would most likely have done it in an attempt to please me. When I nagged and manipulated, it was my decision, and my father did it out of obligation.

When a man does something for a woman, it usually stems from one of two motives: he is either genuinely trying to please her because he wants to, or he is trying to avoid her criticism. It's clear to me which of those two motives was in my father's heart when he came to church for me. Which of the two motives would the men in your life most likely say drives them to make you happy? Have you been influencing the men in your life in such a way that drives them to want to do whatever they can to genuinely serve you? The difference could cost you the greatest compliment of your life:

Today's daily devotional from Elisabeth Elliot, simply titled, "Femininity," reads as follows:

My late philosopher-theologian husband used to tell his students that the importance of a thing was in direct ratio to the difficulty of defining it. Last year I asked my students in seminary to write a paper defining masculinity and femininity. They were allowed a maximum of two pages in which to do it, but I told them it would be fine with me if they could manage it in two sentences. (None did.) All of them testified that it was the most difficult assignment of the course.

The difficulty has been exacerbated, I am convinced, by the so-called liberation movement, which starts from the premise that there are no distinctions between the sexes other than the purely biological. It seems a strangely naive and cramped view of the fundamental differentiation of our human existence, especially in this day when most physicians acknowledge that illnesses involve more than the body, when psychiatrists acknowledge that mental illness may have physical causes, and when any spiritual counselor knows that spiritual problems often affect both mind and body. Why, in this most obvious area of sexual distinction, should we blandly (and preposterously) assert that it has no implications deeper than the physiological?

One Thanksgiving weekend I attended the Evangelical Women's Caucus in Washington, D.C. A few women who had read some of my writings greeted me with an astonished "What are you doing here?"

"I'm an evangelical woman, am I not?" I said, but of course I knew why they were surprised. The conference was to deal with the question of a "biblical" approach to feminism. Those who attended were expected to be feminists, and I don't belong in that crowd. I cannot be a "feminist" because, for one thing, I believe in femininity--a category which I see as infinitely deeper than the merely physical, a quality radically distinct from masculinity.

I listened in vain for the word femininity in any of the major addresses, and I looked in vain for any workshop which might touch on the subject. What women feel, what women want, what women do and what they want to do and don't want to do were all discussed with enthusiasm and even with passion, but what women are simply escaped everybody's notice. One workshop leader, Letha Scanzoni, co-author of an evangelical feminist book, All We're Meant to Be, used Ephesians 5 to support her idea of egalitarian marriage, claiming mutual submission to be Paul's point there, thus divesting the analogy of its sense.

One of the planks of the feminist platform is that sexual distinctions beyond the biological ones are all culturally defined. Our ideas of femininity, they say, are purely conditioned. If we try giving dump trucks to little girls and tea sets to little boys, things would be quickly reversed, we are told. The only reason no woman has ever been a Grand Master in chess is that women are not socially conditioned to be great chess players. Sounds believable until you think of Russia, the country from which most Grand Masters have come, and a country in which as many women as men play chess (but we would not dare to suggest that the feminine intellect is in any way different from--not to say inferior to--the masculine). Women are not encouraged to seek positions which require aggression, it is said, and therefore aggression is considered a masculine trait. Society can change all this. Just start interchanging roles, encouraging girls to be plant foremen, boys to be nurses. Insist on husbands doing housework and wives taking equal financial responsibility. Make women pay alimony, conscript them for active military service, let men knit and cry in public if they want to, and we'll see what happens.

But all this sort of thing is quite beside the point. The idea of male and female was God's idea. None of us would have thought of it, and God has never defined it for anybody. He's told us what he did--he created them in his own image, male and female and he's shown us how he did it. He made the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into him the breath of life; then, because he saw in his creation the first thing that was "not good," namely a man alone, he made for the man a woman. He made her for the man. To me this is the first constituent of femininity. Then he made her from the man--derived, flesh of his flesh, bone of his bone, like and yet wondrously unlike. This is the second constituent. Finally, he brought her to the man, designed exactly to suit his peculiar need, prepared to meet that need for a helper, and then, in divine wisdom and love, given. This is the third constituent.

But what is this man, what is this woman? What are these elusive and indefinable but universally acknowledged qualities on which every culture and society has shaped its existence? The question which feminists resolutely refuse to confront at all is one vastly prior to the question of social conditioning. It is this: Why has every society since the beginning of time conditioned its males and females so distinctively? Granted, the ideas of masculinity and femininity have been expressed differently from time to time and from place to place, but the distinctions have without exception been, until the late twentieth century, preserved.

Michael Marshall in his profound little book Gospel Healing and Salvation says, "Modern man is hung up on his identity with others in lengthy counselings. The Christian realizes that his true identity is a mystery known only to God, and that any attempt at this stage on the road of discipleship to define himself is bound to be blasphemous and destructive of that mysterious work of God forming Christ in him by the power of the Holy Spirit. Certainly the Christian does not define his identity by his actions: that is the very ultimate in anti-Christ, for it is in effect saying that I am my own creator."

Feminists, regrettably, ask us to define ourselves not as men and women but as "human beings" (whatever that means), identified only by our function in society. We must rid ourselves, Virginia Mollenkott declared at the Washington caucus, of "all gender-based categories.

Through the centuries the church has seen the soul as "female before God"--that is, the receptor, the one who responds, who is created for the other, the one acted upon, the one who gives herself. The structure of the female body, designed to carry, to bear and to nurture--surely it is but the material evidence of the mystery of femininity, a physical sign of metaphysical realities with which we tamper only to our own peril. Femininity is indisputably bound up with the concept of motherhood. This is not social conditioning. It is not a lamentable prejudice of which we ought to try to purify ourselves. It is most certainly not, as some feminists cry, "barbaric." The physical signs, far from being extraneous frills we would do well to ignore or overcome, point to the invisible truth of womanhood, exemplified for all women forever in that simple peasant girl, the virgin Mary, utterly feminine, utterly ready to give herself up to the over-shadowing Holy Ghost in the will of God, ready to receive, to bear, to nurture "that holy thing," the Lord Christ, ready to go down into death to give him life, ready to have even her own soul pierced by a sword.

This is an example, I say, for all women forever--not only for those who are the actual mothers of children, but for all who seriously contemplate the Creation Story and accept their place as it is described there, not a competitive one, not even (heaven forbid) an "equal" one, but a different one, mysterious, defined at last only by God the Creator himself, with its own divinely designed kingdom, its own power, its own glory, and all in perfect complement to that other mystery which every real woman recognizes when she sees it--recognizes but cannot define: masculinity.

From Elisabeth Elliot's Online Devotional

I originally began this blog as a resource for women, but I've discovered I have a slight problem: women don't read my blog.

After two months it appears that most of my readers are men. I sent my blog to all my female friends. I even sent the link to the list of women in a women's Bible study I belong to. None of these women have read my blog. In fact, I only know of one woman who reads my blog regularly, and actually enjoys it too. (At least, that's what she tells me.) So it leads me to wonder, where are all the women?

First, I just want to say that I think it's really nice that so many men read this blog. It shows that men are concerned, or at least curious, about what goes on inside the mind of a woman. It shows that men are interested in what women think, in what they have to say, or how they perceive things. (Quite a contrast from what the feminist movement says about men, eh?) But what does it say about the women?

I think it says that women are not interested in this blog, and I suspect it is because they are doing a poor job of educating other women on what it means to be biblically feminine. Just Google some phrase like, "Christian Woman," and a million sites will come up that will focus on just one thing: "Encouraging women to be wives and mothers." This is such a limited way to definine femininity.Just Google some phrase like, "Christian Woman," and a million sites will come up that will focus on just one thing: "Encouraging women to be wives and mothers." This is such a limited way to definine femininity.

Before I joined Metro Life Church, I belonged to another congregation that had a mentoring ministry based on Titus 2. When I inquired about having an older woman mentor me, I was turned away and told that I could not participate in the program because I was not married. I was absolutely furious. Why would a church deny one of its members a request for accountability? Why would a church turn away a member who was pursuing godliness and sanctification? Because that church has not a clue what it means to be a woman.

"Wives" and "mothers" are roles women are called to fulfill. But these roles do not define what God had in mind when He created us. The Bible says He created them male and female. It does not say He created them husbands and wives. It does not say He created them fathers and mothers. It says He created them male and female.

So it is possible to be fully female and not be a wife and a mother. But in many women's minds, if you don't write about baking cookies and getting out those tough grass stains, you don't have much of a blog. I personally think this misunderstanding is one of the reasons so many young, single, childless women are drawn to feminism. When we as Christians insist that Biblical femininity is nothing more than being a wife or a mother, where does that leave the single, childless woman? It leaves her feeling as though she has nothing to contribute. I personally believe this is why women don't read my blog.

I feel there are most likely two kinds of Christian women out there. Both have been brainwashed into believing that this is all there is to being female, but some have bought into it and will look no further at what true biblical femininity is. Others are disgruntled because they currently don't fit that definition. So in a nutshell, most women probably will not read this blog because:

a) They are wives and mothers looking for cake recipes and laundry tips. I do not write about these things, so they figure there's nothing for them here and move on.
b) They are single, childless women who just assume that this is yet another blog about cake recipes and laundry tips, so they figure there's nothing for them here and move on.

Being a woman is about being a helper. Any woman can be a helper. You don't need a husband or children to help people in need. You just need to be willing to help. Being a woman is about submitting to male leadership and respecting men. You don't need a husband to do that. You just have to be willing to yield to and respect the men around you. It's that simple!

So I've got a problem. I have this blog, and I have a vision now of turning it into an online community where men and women can encourage each other toward godliness in their sovereignly chosen gender. But how will that be accomplished if the women aren't interested? I know men are reading this blog, but will any of them have the courage to sign up for a message board with a title like Reformed SHEology?

Nevertheless, I am pressing forward as God leads, and so far, Reformed SHEology is taking on a life of its own. As God leads, I have seen it transform in only two months from being just another blog about women encouraging women, to a blog with a focus of women encouraging women encouraging men. This is why God put us here. This is why God put all of us here -- to encourage, edify, and care for one another. Women may demonstrate this by baking cookies, and men may demonstrate this by killing spiders. But it is vitally important to understand that baking cookies and killing spiders is not our primary reason for being here. Loving one another is.

So men, if you are reading this, please consider encouraging the women in your lives toward a better understanding of what it means to be a woman. Help her to understand that no matter how tender and juicy the Thanksgiving turkey is, there is not a shred of femininity in her heart if she is disrespectful to you. Praise her not for the way she irons your shirts or keeps the home in order. Praise her for her loyalty. Praise her for her trustworthiness. Praise not your wife only, but your daughter, your sister, your mother, your friend. Regardless of whether she is married or single, she is still a woman. And that is how she was created.

Gender: Assignment from God
Some who come across this blog may wonder, "What does all this gender stuff have to do with glorifying God?" Biblical masculinity and femininity are critical aspects of glorifying God, because both men and women were created in His image. The Great Artist has captured His own essence in the self-portrait of humanity. Therefore, as Christians, it is essential we demonstrate His likeness to a lost and dying world according to His design, without any of our self-inflicted modifications.

When we reject our God given roles as men and women, we distort the very image of God that we were created to reflect. We begin to portray humanity the way we see fit. The focus shifts from glorifying God to glorifying mankind. We become the designers. He gets pushed in the background.

A focus on one's gender role helps to solidify one's identity in Christ. Some have postponed studying gender roles until marriage because Scripture makes specific reference to the interpersonal dynamics of gender roles within the context of marriage. But biblical gender roles should be studied and pursued by all Christians in all stages of life. McCulley (2006) states: "As I studied, I realized that Scripture's emphasis was on being made a woman in the image of God. My marital status informed how that would be applied, but I was to be more preoccupied with my femininity than my singleness," (p.70). We are created male and female. We are not created to be single or married. Singleness and marriage, and any other call to ministry, do not alter the divine ordinance of our assignments as men or women. We will always be male or female as long as we are in these temporal bodies. Therefore, it is important to understand how God intended us to function in these temporal roles while we are here, regardless of the calling on our lives. Men are to be leaders. They are called to protect and provide. Women are to be nurturers. They are called to help. The slightest deviation from this standard on any level is an affront to the holy design of God. The most miniscule "variation" on God's order is rebellion. And rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft (1 Samuel 15:23).

We are in rebellion when we make any decree for ourselves that is against God's design. We are saying that we are in control of our situation, not God. We deny Him of His sovereignty and usurp His place as Most High. This is the very sin of Satan. Worse, we commit sin when we make our own rules and attribute them to God Himself.

For example, I used to assert that regardless of what the Bible said about women, I was exempt from submission because God created me with a strong personality. (Incidentally, my concept of leadership was just as ungodly. Had God made me a man I surely would have abused the role of leadership. I would not have seen it as a holy call to be responsible and accountable to God, but rather, I would have seen it as a license to control others.) Whenever someone confronted me with the truth of God's word, particularly that women are called to submit to men, I would react with insolent pride, complaining: "I don't know why God just didn't make me a man." Was God wrong? Had He somehow made a mistake by creating me a woman? No. The problem was I loved my sin more than I loved God. I did not want to do the work required of me in order to be sanctified, namely, I did not want to reconcile the personality that God gave me with the command that God gave me. I wanted life to be easy. Purification is not easy, and Jesus never said it would be.

Here is a similar example: I know a brother in the Lord who is very active within a particular ministry. I saw an obvious need for leadership within this ministry, so encouraged this brother to step into the leadership position. His response? "Oh no. I can't do that! I'm not a leader." When I pressed him for a reason why he felt he was not a leader, this brother responded confidently, "I just wasn't created that way."

This is nonsense, and I dare say it borders on heresy. God has ordained all men to be leaders and they are called to exhibit leadership in some area of their lives. For a man to claim he was not created to be a leader suggests that the Bible is wrong. Is the Bible wrong? Did God somehow make a mistake and forget to call this man to leadership? Or is this man comfortable in his carefree existence and absolving himself of any responsibility? It is easy to wave away the commands of Scripture and live in a manner that suits our desires. It is easy to excuse ourselves from the commands of Scripture by pointing the finger at God, the only One who has the power to give such a divine veto, and say: "See? This doesn't apply to me. That's not how I was created!" However, Scripture states that God does not lie, and God does not change. We know He does not behave contrary to what He has declared. If God's Word states one thing, and you are behaving contrary to what God says, then one of you is wrong. And it isn't God.

From a reformed perspective, all glory goes to God. That means that whatever He has declared is perfect. It cannot be improved upon. Whenever we make statements that disagree with Scripture, we are in rebellion. At best, we are insinuating that God's decree could use some fine-tuning. At worst, we allow ourselves to alter God's design completely to suit our own needs. This manifests itself in a wide spectrum of ways, from a simple matter of shirking responsibility or refusing to submit, to declaring oneself to be homosexual or a transgender individual. All of these attitudes are equally sinful because they all stem from the same argument of "I can't help it . . . that's how I was created".

If we want to give glory to God, we must be sensitive to biblical gender issues. Our gender is a huge part of our identity in Christ. We have been created male and female as He saw fit, for His pleasure. Let us glorify God in our gender roles through submission to His perfect design and order as an expression of worship.

Soli Deo Gloria!

McCulley, C. (2006, Fall). When you don't have a better half: Encouraging biblical roles as a single woman. The Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 6(2) 69-75.

A Review
Pride is a very sneaky sin, because it often masks itself as other things. I used to think pride was simply the act of being "conceited." I used to think that if you bragged about yourself or your accomplishments, that was pride -- and it is, but pride is so much more than that. Because I was always very careful not to praise myself to others (Proverbs 27:2) I didn't think I had a problem with pride. Boy, was I ever wrong!

Pride occurs anytime we esteem ourselves higher than we should, especially when it comes to our own sense of dignity and self worth. It may or may not be accompanied by conceit. I personally think when it is not accompanied by conceit, it becomes a very slippery sin that escapes our grasp. This is the kind of pride that I struggle with.

Take for example, the feminist movement. It is a sinful response to sin. It puffs up women not because it boasts in their accomplishments, rather, it it puffs up women because it seductively convinces them that they don't need men. When we seek to be "strong" and we claim we don't need others, this is pride. We are esteeming our abilities higher than we should. We are claiming that our self-worth surpasses the worth of men. This is sin.

My biggest struggle with pride reared its ugly head in the context of my relationships with others. My tendency to run from relationships, whether they be with the same or the opposite sex, was an ugly manifestation of pride in my life. First, I was proudly elevating my abilities to an above-normal level, claiming that I had some super-human power to reject the basic human need for relationships. I wanted others to admire me for my supposed "strength." Secondly, I was elevating my own knowledge above God's. Although He said, "It is not good for man to be alone," I was insinuating through my independence that I was right and He was wrong. Finally, by keeping others at arm's length, I was able to devote all my time and energy to the god of self. But not once did I ever consider myself to be prideful because I did not appear conceited or brag about my accomplishments. Was I in sin? You betcha!

Just after I became interested in reformed theology, I read a truly incredible little book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Brokenness: The Heart God Revives. This book didn't just teach me about brokenness - it actually was an instrument God used like a scalpel to cut out all the cancerous tumors of pride that were growing in my heart. This is a must read for anyone struggling with the sin of pride, because brokenness is the antidote to pride.

As I read this book, I began to realize that the sin of pride was so hard to detect in my heart because it had disguised itself as fear. Over the years, I had lamented that the people who hurt me the most in life were other Christians. I ran from anyone who wanted to be my friend because I was afraid of getting hurt. I used to think, "If they find out I'm not the superwoman they all think I am, they'll reject me and leave me." But DeMoss (2002) says, "Broken men and women don't care who finds out about their sin; they have nothing to protect, and nothing to lose," (p. 67). The truth God showed me was that when we are afraid of others, it is our sinful pride that we are fighting so hard to protect. It is our precious reputation, our squeaky clean image as a good Christian, and most of all, the respect of others that we don't want to lose. That is a hard pill to swallow. It gets worse:

Jesus was always drawn to those whose sin seemed egregious (from a human point of view), but were repentant over their sin. On the other hand, he was repulsed by those who looked like perfect saints but whose hearts were proud and unbroken. Could it be that God is more offended by those of us who appear to be respectable and spiritual but who have proud, unteachable spirits, than He is by adulterers, fornicators, sodomites, abortionists, or pornographers who make no pretense of being godly? The sobering reality is that proud, unbroken Christians have done far more damage to the Church of Jesus Christ than any sinners outside the church could inflict. (DeMoss, 2002, pp. 82-83).

YEEOUCH!!! That was one slap in the face I really needed. In my early walk with God, I was hurt so badly by other Christians, I left the church for six years. I was living in sin for those six years. No, I was not fornicating or shooting up heroin or frequenting seedy nightclubs. But I was marinating in pride. My expectations of others who called themselves Christians were so high I had forgotten that Christians are sinners too. And I did the very thing that I was so afraid they'd do to me: I rejected them. I sinned in response to sin. Worse, I punished everyone I met after that for what others had previously done to me. I was a Pharisee. I didn't want to give anyone a chance. I buried myself in my accomplishments and sneered that I was too busy whenever I was invited to fellowship somewhere. The truth is, I was protecting my pride. I did not want to be around others because I did not want to be hurt again. But if we are truly to become the men and women that God delights in, we can't protect our pride. We must crucify it.

Earlier this year, another trusted Christian friend sinned against me and immediately, pride reared its ugly head. Instead of forgiving right then and there, which is what I should have done, I began to compare my own righteousness to that of this other individual. I said things like, "What kind of person would do such a thing?" I continued to ask questions about this person's character and integrity until I was so deep in sin, I was actually questioning this individual's salvation! Just who did I think I was? What gave me the right to judge this person that way? My sin was probably a thousand times worse than the sin that was originally committed against me, but I rationalized that it was okay because I was hurting. I went so far as to turn my anger on God and say, "You see? I told you this 'getting close to people' was a stupid idea!" I was really walking on thin ice, but I figured God understood because I was in pain. This is the seductive power of pride. We are so blinded by pain and fear that we don't even see we're in sin. It takes a trusted, caring friend to lovingly point it out to us and make a commitment to come alongside us in the fight to mortify sin. When someone sins against us, we need to remember that person is not the enemy -- sin is the enemy.

Thankfully, God gave me the grace to forgive that person in my heart with no guarantee that we'd ever be reconciled here on earth. He gave me compassion to intercede for this person daily through prayer and to turn my focus on my own sin instead. He gave me peace to realize that He's not finished with me and that other person yet. We cannot allow the sin of pride to gain a foothold, because it can and will divide and ultimately destroy.

So where are you in regards to pride? I highly recommend Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book for further study on this topic. But for the time being, click on the book cover below to view the 41 evidences of pride found on Nancy's website and see how you do:


DeMoss, N. (2002). Brokenness: The heart God revives. Chicago: Moody Publishers.

After nearly 15 years of life as a single Christian woman, I am pretty well acquainted with those ministries commonly referred to as "singles groups." My attitude toward many of these groups traditionally has not been very positive. That all changed when I attended my first meeting of Undivided, the singles ministry of Metro Life Church, where I am a currently a member.

My past experience demonstrated to me that church singles groups generally exist for the sole purpose of consoling poor singles who are grieving their singleness. I found, throughout the years, that these groups were largely fellowship-based, heavy on the social interaction, but light on devotions. Most singles, it seemed, were more interested in attending these functions for one reason and one reason alone: to find a spouse. Those who lamented the curse of their present marital status were often met by leadership with these words of comfort: "Look on the bright side! This is a time to focus on yourself!"

The first night I attended an Undivided meeting, I was met with a much different philosophy: "Tell me, when in the Christian life are we ever permitted to focus on the self?"

To say that I was impressed is an understatement. I sat forward in my chair, my curiosity growing as I had never heard anything like this before at any singles group I had attended throughout all my years as a Christian.

"Listen, if you want to get married someday, the time to practice biblical masculinity and biblical femininity is now. Marriage is a ministry to another person. You will be expected to serve that other person and put that other person first in all your decisions. You are in for a rude awakening if you think you are going to just miraculously be granted the gift of service on your wedding day. If you plan on being married someday, start serving others now."

This is what the Christian life is all about: dying to self. I thought that I was being very holy because unlike all the other singles, I was not remotely interested in getting married. I had mistakenly believed that I was more pious because I had no desire for another. I was completely content in God alone. But the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. The truth was, my joy was not in serving God. No, I remained single because I was completely content in serving MYSELF.

Since that time, some have said to me, "Jennifer, what's with all this submission stuff? You don't need to worry about that. You're not married." Well, I would dispute that for two reasons. The first reason is, if I'm not going to miraculously receive the gift of service on my wedding day, what makes me think I'm going to miraculously receive the gift of submission? I had better start practicing now if I want to be any good at it when that day comes. But the second reason goes much deeper than that.

Some have said the Bible claims women need only submit to their husbands, pastor, father, employer, and of course God. But they technically don't need to submit or display biblical womanhood to any men other than that. Perhaps that is true. But what is the benefit in that?

The Bible says, all things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being. (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

Now I ask you, it may be lawful to submit to my husband and no other man, and that may be all God requires of me. But how is that edifying to other men around me? If I am gracious with my husband, but contentious with other men in my church, does that edify those men? What am I doing to their sense of masculinity by refusing to honor their leadership or rejecting their authority?

Should I wait to have children before I am a positive influence on a child? Or would it be edifying to the children around me to be a positive influence on them now? Do I want to confuse my youngest, most impressionable brothers in sisters in Christ because I technically don't have to model biblical femininity to someone else's children? What type of example am I setting for other little boys and girls when I disagree with a man in public, or insist on holding a position of leadership, or behave as though all that men and women stuff is just for married people? Won't I be making another parent's job more difficult, because I am not providing these children with consistency between what they are learning at home, at what they see acted out in the body of Christ?

And what of the lost? Should I also be a source of confusion for them as well? As I try to explain that Christ came to restore what was lost in the Garden of Eden, should I behave in a manner that continues to celebrate that which was lost, as though it had not been restored? Should I continue to promote attitudes about men and women that were only introduced into the world when the curse of sin entered?

I may be single now, and I may be married in the future, but I am now, have always been, and always will be a woman in this life. Being married or single does not alter that role. Submissiveness and silence and all the things that make me feminine are not dependent on my marital status any more than they are dependent on what church I attend, the ministries in which I serve, the friends I have, or where God has chosen for me to work. I am a woman, and there is no escaping that. Why would I only want to celebrate that when I'm married?

For the longest time, I misunderstood 1 Corinthians 7. I honestly thought Paul was saying it was better to be single because single people were holier. I am embarrassed over how misguided I was. Both callings to singleness and marriage require service to others, only the focus is different. It is a lot like being male or female. Neither is more precious to God, and one is not better than the other. The roles are just different.

In marriage, I will be serving my own spouse and my own children. But as a single, I am blessed in that I have the opportunity to widen that ministry. I am a helper to every man. I am a mother to every child. Not having my own husband or children gives me the freedom to give my time, money, talents, and heart to others. That's what Christianity is all about: giving your life away in mimicry of the One who gave the ultimate Life away.

I am so thankful to my God for His sovereign wisdom. In all His glory He saw fit to make me a woman, to place me in the lives of those who need a temporary helper or a mother where one may not be available. Focus on myself? Oh Lord may it never be! Dear Christ You gave Your life away, thus let it be with me.

I encourage you to watch this excellent sermon by John Piper: Single in Christ: A Name Better than Sons and Daughters.

In spite of the many men out there who have blamed Eve throughout the ages for the fall of creation, there is sufficient biblical evidence to support the argument that it was actually Adam who “started it:”

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die." The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:15-18).

Thus, God made Adam completely responsible for keeping that tree off limits. Eve had not even been created yet. She was ignorant of any such directive. And make no mistake – Satan approached Eve on purpose. The devil hates God’s design, so he deliberately perverted it by putting Eve in charge, forcing Adam into submission. And Adam allowed it to happen:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.(Genesis 3:6).


The Bible clearly states that Adam was with Eve when she ate the fruit. As leader, he stood there and watched as the serpent deceived his bride. As protector, he did not intervene and try to stop her when she put herself in harm's way. He knew God said eating that fruit would kill her. Yet he did nothing as she took a bite and swallowed the poison. Then he ate for himself.

The scriptures further note that God later came walking in the garden looking for Adam, because it was Adam who was originally accountable. Adam's response? Blame Eve. (Genesis 3:9-12).

Gut check: how are you feeling right now? Justified? Vindicated? How about . . . self-righteous? If you chose C, you are correct! As women, we often like to blame men for our behavior: "See? It's his fault! If only he would lead, I wouldn't have to take control," or, "If he was a more responsible protector/provider, I would happily submit." While it is true that Adam sinned, God still dealt with Eve separately. He still held her accountable for her actions, and He will do the same with each and every one of us.

Feminism is a direct reaction to both real and perceived injustices done to women on behalf of men, whether directly or indirectly. Though this implies that “he started it,” the question of whom is primarily responsible for the breakdown of God’s design for the sexes is irrelevant. Feminism is a sinful reaction to sin. Though it may appear as though female rebellion is justified, it is not. Sin is never justified. Two wrongs do not make a right. You will not be able to rationalize your behavior and say to God “he started it," or, "he made me do it” because the Bible is clear that we are tempted by our own evil desires and carried away by our own lusts (James 1:14). Who is to blame for our sin? We are. No one can make us sin.

The story of Adam’s unfaithfulness does not prove anything other than the fact that both men and women are equally depraved. If you are blaming men for your contentious and argumentative behavior, you need to ask God’s forgiveness and repent. Women may not be the spiritual leaders, but they can still initiate reconciliation with the men in their lives by submitting to their leadership. Consider the Genesis story as you meditate on 1 Timothy 2:8-15 and ask yourself what is more important: getting your way, or doing your part to restore what God originally intended?

Note: After this post was published, it was later discovered that a book exists by the same title. The material in this post is not related to the book, Helper by Design by Elyse Fitzpatrick. However, we plan to read and review that book on this site soon.

One of the things we tend to do as fallen creatures in a fallen world is look for someone to blame for everything that goes wrong, especially in matters concerning the opposite sex. Men like to joke that if it weren't for women, they'd still be in Eden. The female comeback to this is that the reason God made men first is because you always do a rough draft before unveiling your final masterpiece.

While these silly statements are made in jest, I believe there is truth in jest, at least in the idea that these comments signify some real resentment on both sides due to our failure to communicate and understand one another. It also stands to reason that because the Bible portrays God in the masculine gender, I think more often than not this results in a communication breakdown between women and their Creator. Many women blame God for the state of their interpersonal relationships with men, reasoning that it was God who declared the woman subject to masculine authority, and since men don't always play fair, we suffer at their hands. Therefore, it's God's fault.

What we are doing here is comparing apples and oranges. We cannot evaluate God's mindset based upon the fallen creation. Rather, we need to look at what the Bible says about God's vision for His creation before sin entered the picture.

In Genesis 1:26, we see God create man in His image. We know from Matthew 5:48 that God is perfect, and that His desire is for us to be perfect as well. So it makes sense that God's creation was created in perfect condition. By Genesis 1:28, we see that God has given everything to both the man and the woman to exercise dominion over the creation together. This is very important. God's original intention was that both male and female were to have authority over the rest of creation. Notice the scripture says that God blessed them and addressed both of them, not just the man. The woman was to be right there beside him, exercising authority as well. However, the man was to be the primary authority (Genesis 2:15), and the woman's role was that of helper (Genesis 2:18).

Now if you're like me, you're not too jazzed by the word helper. It implies that women play second fiddle. But I want to call your attention to something very profound. A few months ago, I was watching a pre-recorded broadcast of The Winning Edge. Dr. Dwayne Mercer was delivering a message on marriage and said something to this effect:

Most people automatically believe that the helper is the inferior role. But do not make that mistake! The helper is not inferior, just different. And here's why: In the book of John, Jesus tells His disciples that upon His departure, He will send them a Helper. Consider these verses:

And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—(John 14:16)

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. (John 14:26)

But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify of Me. (John 15:26)

Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for
if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will
send Him to you. (John 16:7)

No one would argue that the Holy Spirit is inferior to the Father or the Son, simply because His role is that of Helper. Likewise, we should never assume that the woman is inferior to the man because her role is that of helper.

The realization set in as I was listening to this message that just as God created man in His own image (Genesis 1:26), the woman was created in the image of God as well, only we can infer that she was fashioned after the third Person of the Trinity. Wow! That gives a whole new perspective on the word, helper doesn't it?
No one would argue that the Holy Spirit is inferior to the Father or the Son, simply because His role is that of Helper. Likewise, we should never assume that the woman is inferior to the man because her role is that of helper.
One of the things that I learned during my two and a half years of being de-programmed of my feminist ideas is that God is never at fault, and He is never to blame for anything that goes wrong in my life. Being created a woman was not an accident, but a very deliberate, calculated decision made by God. It is an honor to be given the role of helper. Being a helper comes with its own power -- it just manifests itself differently from the power of leadership. We are literally helpless without our Helper. I cannot do anything apart from the power of the Holy Spirit. And I know many men who would say that they wouldn't be where they are today without the help of a godly woman.

The Holy Spirit is quiet and gentle. He softly convicts us of sin, without a word. He gently guides us to the right decisions. In a similar fashion, consider the power women have over the men in their lives -- to gently guide them toward making godly decisions. Of course, this power of influence can be used in an evil way -- just look at the adulteress in Proverbs 7. But as Christians, we want to use our power and influence over the men in our lives in a way that will edify them. After all, we are their helpers. We do not wish to do them harm.

Consider the men in your life. Perhaps you have a brother or a son that you want to encourage toward a deeper relationship with God. If so, you can encourage him to grow in biblical masculinity simply through the quiet example of a gentle spirit, just like our God, the Holy Spirit. How will you exercise your power and influence as a woman? Who will you encourage today?