Reformed SHEology

Ever since the age of eight, I strongly have maintained that my parents favored my younger brother over me. Don't get me wrong: I knew my parents loved me. I was just convinced that they loved my brother more.

Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that my recollection of my childhood is shaped by my own bias. I have discussed this issue with my parents at length throughout my childhood and adolescence, and they never agreed with my assessment. (It wasn't until my brother and I were both adults that they began to see some credibility in my claims.) But nevertheless, whether the alleged favoritism was real or perceived, the result is the same: it had a major impact on my view of my parents, and I transferred that over to my Father in heaven.

The main thing that used to upset me was that I felt my brother and I were not equally disciplined. Name any transgression of your choice: coloring on the walls, breaking an expensive vase, throwing a temper tantrum, etc. My position has always been that my parents would discipline me harshly for my behavior. But if my brother were at fault, my parents would find a way to excuse it. "He's so little, he doesn't know any better!" was the justification I was given when he was only three years old. As my brother grew, that line was not going to work, so my parents found other reasons to indulge in his every whim: "It's just easier to give him what he wants than causing a scene in the store," or, "We only gave in because he doesn't deal with disappointment as well as you do." Whether or not I was assessing the situation accurately, it caused me to resent my brother and distrust my parents' love for me. Every discussion about this with my parents would end with my mother saying, "Just remember, you are both my children, and I love you equally." I would think (and sometimes even vocalize): "Yeah. Sure, mom. That could be true in theory, but it really doesn't feel that way in practice."

So Christ died for the little wretch. SO WHAT?Fast forward to today. I hated my sister in Christ. People tried to reason with me in an effort to bring me out of this sin, saying, "Can't you just view her as someone Christ died for?" Honestly, I could see where they were going with this, but it meant nothing to me. So Christ died for the little wretch. SO WHAT? Christ died for me too, didn't He? Does this mean I get to misbehave too? Look, I get it in theory. But when I see people making excuses for this sister's inappropriate behavior, it certainly doesn't feel true in practice.

What did this do to my walk? It drove a wedge between me and God. I did not go to Him for my needs. I figured it is pointless for me to ask Him for things, since there are other Christians asking for the same things, and He'd probably just give those blessings to them instead of me. The Bible says "You have not because you do not ask." But I did not ask because I was convinced that all parents are the same, and that included my Heavenly Father. I read passages of Scripture which describe how God loves to lavish blessings upon His children, and I believed it. But I was convinced that these passages were referring to His other children, not me.

I hated this sister in Christ because I saw her doing things that I judged to be inappropriate. Did God do anything? Nooooo. He just let her get away with it (or so it seemed). But if I were to do those same things, God would discipline me. Yes, I knew the Bible says that those He loves He disciplines (Hebrews 12), but I felt like that's only half the story. I felt that the Bible should also mention that that those He loves more are the ones He apparently lets off scot-free. Never mind that I deserve hell and I'm getting off scot-free myself. All that mattered was that this other person appeared to be getting away with things that I wasn't getting away with, so that meant God loves her more. Makes sense, right?

To make matters worse, I also spent years of my life thinking that God loves His sons more than He loves His daughters. The simple fact that He chose to put me in a woman's body was an act of cruelty, as far as I was concerned. The souls He favored were created as men, given to rule over those children He didn't love as much, created as women. If you are a woman, I assumed that was because He just didn't like you as much. It's just the way it is, because parents aren't fair. I grew up in a very old-school Italian-American family. The women exist to wait on the chauvinistic men. In God's economy, "submit to your husband" couldn't possibly be any different that what I witnessed growing up, could it?

Well I do not deserve it, but God has had mercy on me. He has shown me that these ideas are complete garbage, manufactured in hell's great factory of lies. God is perfect, and human parents are not. Human parents are going to fail us every time. If we insist on judging the character of God based on the actions of our sinful parents, we will never understand God. If we really want to know the true character of God, we must base our understanding of Him on Scripture.

Perhaps you were the victim of physical or emotional abuse. Perhaps you were abandoned. Perhaps your parents repeatedly broke their promises to you. Friends, this has NOTHING to do with God. And so now when Satan tries to feed me this trash, I lash out with my sword. My Bible tells me that God is not a respecter of persons, "for there is no partiality with God" (Romans 2:11). Is God a hypocrite, that He would show partiality but instruct me not to do the same? (James 1). NO. I will come boldly to my Daddy's throne! My requests are not insignificant to Him, for if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe me? (Matthew 6:30). Furthermore, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32). How can I possibly cling to this preposterous idea that God favors His other children over me, when He poured out the wrath meant for me upon His son, with whom He is well pleased? (Matthew 3:17).

It pleased the Lord to bruise Christ (Isaiah 53:10). Jesus could at any time have protested and cried "Foul!" It is not fair that He was punished for something I did, yet He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7). How then, can I complain that God has treated another Christian unfairly by letting them get away with bad behavior while I supposedly suffer under rebuke? How can I hate another when Christ died for me, while yet a sinner myself? (Romans 5:8).

Perhaps you did not experience favoritism in your family (real or perceived), but your parents sinned against you in other ways. Perhaps you were the victim of physical or emotional abuse. Perhaps you were abandoned. Perhaps your parents repeatedly broke their promises to you. Friends, this has NOTHING to do with God. God is not out to hurt you. God will never leave you or forsake you. God will never lie to you!!! When the accuser tries to condemn us, we know there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) So why would we willingly believe these ridiculous, unfounded accusations against the Lord Himself?

This is a call to brethren everywhere to fight the good fight of faith. Sling those swords, sisters. It's time to cut these lies up once and for all and defend the truth about our God, even if it is only to ourselves! That being said, I'd like to report that I HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN SET FREE OF THE SIN OF HATRED!

This has been a very revealing season for me. It has been quite a shock for me to discover that I struggle with hatred, but even more so, I am really surprised to uncover the reasons why I hate some people. For most of my life, I have misunderstood hatred. I thought hatred was something you held for someone who made you angry. Or perhaps, you were jealous of that person. I assumed that my problem was anger and jealousy, but these sins are only by-products of my hatred. As it turns out, the root of my hatred is self-righteousness.

Over the past few weeks I have thought about the people that I hate and tried to come up with what they all have in common. Only two of them sinned against me, and in one case it was twelve years ago. I have completely canceled the debts in both cases and I am not angry with either of these people. Most of the others, however, never sinned against me. But in every single case, I look upon the person with disdain because, for whatever reason, I feel she cannot get her act together. (The group of individuals includes both men and women, however, for anonymity's sake I will only use the female pronoun).

In some cases, she appears to have experienced no spiritual growth, or very little spiritual growth, over the past few years. I feel she is intellectually inferior to me as well as spiritually immature. She doesn't do things the way I think they should be done. As I've already revealed in a prior post, I may think she's a complete phony. In other cases, she perpetually complains about the many blessings God has given her, or she complains about the things that God has not given her. Whenever I see her making her way towards me, I think "Oh God, no!" and I look for the nearest exit. In all cases, I am not jealous of her in the least. I think, "Thank God I'm not like her!" I think she is so pathetic that mustering up compassion for her is impossible for me to do. I think life would be so much sweeter if she'd just move to another hemisphere so the chances I'd ever have to come face to face with her again are extremely slim.

I don't hate these people because I'm angry at them. I'm angry at them because I hate them. Does this make sense? I don't hate these people because I'm angry at them. I'm angry at them because I hate them. Does this make sense? I have contempt in my heart for them, therefore, their very essence makes me angry. The very fact that they exist irritates me - unless they are allowed to exist ten thousand miles away where I don't have to deal with them.

Perhaps you are reading through this and thinking, "Oh, Jennifer, that's not hatred! You just dislike that person." If that's the case, then let me ask you to try something for me. Ask yourself if there is anyone you really dislike. Then go look up the definition of hatred in the dictionary. Now tell me if you can find any distinction between those two terms. I don't know about you, but I can't do it!

I'm guilty, and I'm wondering if I'm not alone. I think maybe there are others out there who have misunderstood hatred, as I did. Our society seems to lull us into a coma when it comes to this issue. I know I have been brainwashed to think, "I don't like the person, but it's not like I hate her!" But if you look in the Bible, not once is there ever an example of someone who "disliked someone a great deal." In the Bible, it is never referred to as "disliking someone a great deal," it is called hatred, period.

I am finding that upon understanding what hatred really is, that there are many, many reasons why I would be tempted to hate people. Sometimes I am angry at them. Sometimes I am jealous. But in most cases, it appears that the root of my hatred is self-righteousness. Come to think of it, it would seem that this is always where hatred starts. Can I be unjustly angry with someone without being self-righteous? How about irritated -- can I be irritated with someone without being self-righteous? Can I covet, or judge that God has unfairly given something to someone, without being self-righteous? I don't think so. I think this is where it all stems from.

Isn't it funny the way we will use all sorts of euphemisms for hatred, but not actually admit to hatred itself? We will say things like, "I admit I can't get along with John, but it's not like I hate him or anything." In this statement, I think it is clear that the act of hatred is set apart as something especially heinous, which is why we always seem to just stop short of it. In the past six months, I have noticed that I have made similar statements about a particular individual, always just stopping short of hatred. First, it was, "I don't like ______, but it's not like I hate them or anything." Then it progressed to "I can't stand to be in the same room with ______, but it's not like I hate them or anything." I would think thoughts such as, "I really would love it if ______ moved to a different time zone. But at least I don't hate this person," and "Hypothetically speaking, if ______ died, I would not be very sad. But it's not like I would dance on their grave or anything."

I finally ran out of things that just fell short of hatred, because I had to face the fact that I am indeed harboring hatred in my heart for this person.I finally ran out of things that just fell short of hatred, because I had to face the fact that I am indeed harboring hatred in my heart for this person. The realization that I hate someone is horrifying. After all, I spent so much time and energy illustrating my extreme dislike for this individual while maintaining all the while that I had not crossed the line into hatred. To acknowledge that I had indeed crossed that line is so shameful and embarrassing. God knew this whole time I was in sin, but when I first figured it out, I simply couldn't face Him. I did not pray for a few weeks because I was so ashamed of my sin. The best I could do was eek out a feeble, "God help me; I don't know what to say to You, so I'm going to ask that You speak to me instead." I tried to read Scripture, but it was easier to distract myself from my guilt by keeping busy with my daily responsibilities.

The hardest part for me to get past is the idea that I simply hate this person for no apparent reason. Usually, we tend to hate people who have done something terrible to us, especially if that involves making us angry in some way. But this person never did anything to sin against me. I just hate this person, and the more I hate, the angrier I become. Without giving away too much detail, I found myself in a position where I felt this person was, for lack of a better term, a "phony." I hate phonies. (Funny how I can confess that one with great ease - you see, they deserve to be hated for their insincerity, and for this reason, my hatred of them almost seems noble in my eyes.) But to make matters worse, I am the only person who apparently recognizes that this person is a total phony. Everyone around me seems to be saying, "Isn't so-and-so great? Oh praise God for so-and-so!" If I may be completely transparent with my readers, when I hear talk like this, I want to vomit.

From this point on, I began to view every little thing this person said or did through a self-righteous lens. And because I was viewing them this way, I became angrier and angrier over the situation. Finally, I had to remove myself from the environment in which I came into contact with this person. The Bible tells us to flee temptation, and just being exposed to this individual was tempting me to hate. Once I removed myself from that temptation, I was able to begin the process of dealing with my heart.

God has been gracious to show me other people whom "I strongly dislike, but it's not like I hate them or anything."It has not been easy so far. I still think, "Wouldn't it be great if they just dropped dead? Then I wouldn't have to worry about being friendly to them, even though I think they're a big fat phony!" But at least now I can clearly see how sinful my heart is. I have not repented, but God has been gracious to show me other people whom "I strongly dislike, but it's not like I hate them or anything." All in all, I would say I'm now up to six people or so for whom I feel that "If we never spoke again, it would be no great loss for me, but it's not like I hate them or anything."

It stinks being in this season. I have come out and confessed everything to a few trusted people in my church, and although this is important, I still don't have the godly sorrow I know I need for real repentance. I like not talking to certain people. I like having self-righteous reasons not to talk to them. This is why I cannot help myself out of this situation. I need to rely on God and God alone to restore me.

Yesterday, I prayed aloud these scriptures:

He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness until now. He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him. 11 But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes. (1 John 2:9-12)

A faithful brother offered me this response:
I will bear the indignation of the LORD,
Because I have sinned against Him,
Until He pleads my case
And executes justice for me.
He will bring me forth to the light;
I will see His righteousness. (Micah 7:9)

I will bear God's indignation for my sin. He will leave me in this pit until He pleads my case, has mercy upon me, and grants me the gift of repentance that will bring forth the light that will pull me out of the darkness of hatred. Praise God for His faithfulness! I wait expectantly for His saving grace.

It has been almost three months since I last wrote for this blog. I sensed that God wanted me to take some time off, and I knew He wanted to show me something. That something turned out to be my sin.

This last week has been especially difficult. Not only did the Holy Spirit show me that I had been previously blind to my predicament, but once my eyes were opened, I confessed it aloud to several people. I took action to avoid the triggers that tempt me. I have made a lot of progress in the last week. But acknowledging my sin and avoiding temptation is not the end of the battle. Removal of temptation does not change the heart. That battle is just beginning.

I know I'm in sin. My mind fully grasps that concept. But my heart could not care less. My heart likes my sin. It has lied to me and told me that my sin makes me powerful. It tells me that I should not repent, because it's really not that bad, and it makes me feel so good! Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have not repented. Not yet anyway. God is faithful, and repentance is coming. Just yesterday morning, I had a funny thought. I felt that I was supposed to blog my way through this. Immediately, a voice rose up inside me and said, "That's crazy! Why on earth would I want to reveal my sin on my blog?" Immediately, the answer came: "But isn't that how this site got started in the first place?"

It's true. Reformed SHEology all began because I was in sin. Once I had repented, I felt I had to write about my experience and share with others the lessons I learned. I always felt that I wrote my very best "stuff" in the early days of Reformed SHEology, when my heart was on fire after being granted the gift of repentance. Sadly, that feeling began to dry up. The last several months in particular seemed dull, like I was only going through the motions of writing. My prayer was that God would light that fire in me again, so that I could really write from the bottom of my heart, the way I used to. Creating this site and sharing my experiences in cyberspace has been one of the most personally rewarding things I've ever done, and I am convinced that this is an opportunity to experience that all over again.

Only this time, I believe God wants to take things to a deeper level. This time, I am not going to wait until I've fully repented before I start reflecting upon how this sin has affected my life. This time, I am going to start blogging while I am still in the midst of the battle. My goal is to record what I am going through now, in the hopes that working through this process publicly will bless someone.

So without further ado, let me confess my sin: it just so happens to be the very same sin that gripped me two years ago, and eventually inspired me to start this blog in the first place.

Yes, my friends. I am angry.

Most of my regular readers know that this blog is an expression of repentance, and some also remember me saying that this site was birthed after a very important event took place in my life one year ago. It was at this time last year, I embraced the very serious sin of anger.

My anger was an unholy reaction against another's sin. For seven months, I marinated in my anger. I was angry with a brother in Christ. But moreso, I was angry with God. Each day was like another brick that I placed in the wall I had built between myself and God. I wanted to repent. I tried to repent. But I simply couldn't do it. I cried out to God, every day, begging Him to take the anger away because I was powerless to do it on my own. But every day, God was silent. Then one day, God reached down, embraced my broken spirit, and healed me. It was then I was able to repent.

I once read somewhere, "How do you know when a thief has repented? Is it when he stops stealing? On the contrary, a thief stops being a thief when he not only stops stealing, but starts giving." This is what repentance is. It isn't simply the discontinuance of sin. It's actually turning around and doing the opposite of that sin. God had given me the grace to repent, but He also gave me a test of that repentance.

I was given the task of making restitution: God commanded me to pay a specific sum of money for a period of exactly seven months to the brother who had caused my pain. The joy God placed in my heart and the compassion I felt for my brother in Christ was so completely opposite from what I had been previously feeling, I almost couldn't believe this was real. I called my pastor, told him what God had instructed me to do, and my pastor in turn made arrangements for my restitution to be anonymous. With one simple phone call, the plan had been put in motion. That Sunday morning after Thanksgiving, I would turn in my first check.

There are no words to describe the joy I felt in being given such an opportunity to reverse my seven months of hatred by turning them into seven months of blessing. For several days, I was walking on air, imagining the look on the brother's face when he discovered the blessing, just in time for the holidays. I knew my brother in Christ needed this money, and with no way of knowing it had come from me, He'd have no one to thank but our good and gracious Lord. And so the disrespect I had previously showed God had now become an opportunity to see Him glorified. It was the most amazing assignment He has ever given me.

I continued to send the checks, but during the sixth month, something began to disturb me. It suddenly dawned on me that my concept of restitution did not exactly match up with the situation. I began to question if what I was doing was really a command from God or just my imagination. Trying to make sense of it all, I searched for any reputable articles on restitution I could find (there aren't many out there). Basically, this is all I could conclude:

The word restitution literally means "to make whole." Restitution is commanded of a person who has stolen from another individual. The theft can be tangible, as in the case when someone takes another's property, or it can be intangible. Examples of intangible theft include slander (theft of one's reputation), murder (theft of one's life), and fraud (theft of one's trust). The theft may have been unintentional, nevertheless, restitution must be paid. (Click here for Scripture references.)

I had not sinned against this brother. I had sinned against The Lord. It didn't make sense to me why I was making restitution to the brother, and not to God. I suppose one could argue that all the times I discussed the situation with others, it was slander -- but it really wasn't so much slander as it was me trying to process and make sense of my pain. I was given someone's word and it wasn't kept. I had been defrauded, and my ability to trust had been stolen from me. In fact, the more I read what the Bible had to say about restitution and how it should be applied, the more confused I became. "Why am I paying for sin that was committed against me?" Before I could finish my question, I felt The Lord gently impress upon my heart: "Because my child, that is precisely what I did for you."

I approached God about this matter, and said, "Father forgive me, but I just don't understand. My sin was against you, not my brother in Christ. And from what You describe in the Scriptures, it almost sounds as though he should be making restitution to me! So why am I paying him? Why am I paying for sin that was committed against me?"

Before I could finish my question, I felt The Lord gently impress upon my heart: "Because my child, that is precisely what I did for you."

In that single moment, I was broken all over again. Never did I think it would get better than it did in the first month, when I experienced the glee of being able to bless a person that deep down, I didn't hate at all. Never did I think it could get better than knowing I had been freed from the sin of anger and have it replaced with a desire for reconciliation. But it did get better, once I realized that in addition to everything God bestowed on me through this experience: love, joy, and forgiveness; He also gave me an opportunity to partake in His sufferings through a mimicry of His gesture of love toward me.

This past Sunday, I turned in my seventh and final restitution check. My only regret is that my assignment is over. The beauty of this experience has gripped me in a way that I could not have foreseen back in November. We serve such an amazing, compassionate, indescribably gracious God. There are no words to express the awe of knowing His Spirit is actually dwelling within me. In times like these, when I am faced with the unending depth of God's love for me, I can hardly believe I was ever angry with another human being. The irony of the situation is that the compassion I have for my brother in Christ now exists on a far more profound level than before the sin occurred. Only a God as amazing as ours could not only reverse the effects of sin, but actually turn it for a thing of glory.

Surely, He makes all things work together for good.