Reformed SHEology

Part 2 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 1 Part 3 Part 4

We often assume that modesty is solely a woman's issue. For most people, modesty is nothing more than a word to describe one's dress. This is a very, very limited view of modesty. True modesty is an attitude: one that is free from vanity. Simply put, modesty is humility in action. Most women who dress immodestly do so for vain reasons. Whether they are exceedingly narcissistic or painfully insecure, the goal is to place the focus on the self by attracting the attention of men.

That being said, I think it is fair to say that most of the efforts put into educating people about modesty focus solely on women. It is rare we hear teaching on proper, modest behavior for men. So rare, in fact, one man raised the question in an online forum: "I wonder what do men do that cause women to stumble?" I am so glad he asked!

Men are tempted by what they see. Women, on the other hand, are tempted by what they hear. The Immodest Man is one who uses flattery.The answer is quite simple. Men are tempted by what they see. Women, on the other hand, are tempted by what they hear. The Immodest Man is one who uses flattery. Like the Immodest Woman, The Immodest Man flaunts his compliments for vain reasons: whether exceedingly narcissistic or painfully insecure, the goal is to place the focus on the self by attracting the attention of women. You may not think flattery is such a bad thing, but at the risk of being graphic, I want to give the men out there an idea of what this is like for a woman:

You are minding your business when some woman who is not your wife begins to tempt you visually with her immodest dress. Over time, things progress to sinful levels, to the point where you are unable to stop yourself from giving in to temptation. One day, the woman gets you alone. She starts to take off her clothes. She practically throws herself at you. Then, the moment you begin to undress, she slaps you in the face and says, "Ugh! What are you thinking!" You tell the woman, "But you're taking off your clothes! I thought --" And the woman tells you, "I don't want to have sex with you. I'm sorry if you got that impression." And that's that.

Ok, men. Judging from the number of vulgar terms that exist to describe women who do this, as well as the condition she has left you in, my guess is you'd be pretty angry if someone did this to you. In the long run you'd realize that God spared you from going any deeper into sin with this woman, but initially, you'd feel cheated, betrayed, and deceived. You may even experience feelings of hatred for this woman. This is an unfortunate vignette of what a man might experience when things progress to this level physically. I want you to compare this to what a woman experiences when things progress to this level emotionally by sharing a true story of two people I'll call Steve and Gina.

Steve and Gina met on a missions trip. After four days, Steve managed to get Gina alone, away from the rest of the group. Quite unexpectedly, Steve blurted out, "I know I've only known you for four days, but I haven't been able to sleep all week because I can't stop thinking about you. I think you're amazing. I normally don't do this sort of thing, but I have to tell you, I really feel that God has put you on my heart." (Again, at the risk of sounding graphic, I want the guys to know that for many women, the phrase "God has put you on my heart" is the verbal equivalent to having cleavage shoved in your face.)

Although they lived in separate states, Gina and Steve kept in touch after the missions trip. Steve spent three hours on the phone with Gina every night and told her he wanted her to move to the state where he lived so she could be closer to him. Gina knew things were moving too fast, but she was unable to stop from thinking about Steve as a "sure thing." When Gina finally decided to apply for a job where Steve lived, he became standoffish. This left Gina confused. "But, you said you wanted me to move. I thought --" Steve told her, "I am not interested in you. I am sorry if you got that impression." And that was that.

The immodest woman in the first scenario led the man down a path of lust and eventually caused him to believe that sex was going to happen. The immodest man in the second scenario led the woman down a path of false hope and eventually caused her to believe that a relationship existed where it did not.

The Bible is clear that sexual immorality is sin. It is easy to see why the first scenario is wrong. But many men do not see the second scenario as being equally sinful. (In fact, when Gina tried to confront Steve about his immodesty, he refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing.) Yet the Bible does take a stance on flattery. Two verses from Proverbs tell us: A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 26:28). Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet. (Proverbs 29:5). Flattery is not pleasing to God, nor does it serve the one on the receiving end of it.

GOOD NEWS FOR MEN
It is very, very important that men watch their words with women. We need to teach men to be modest in their speech, just as we need to teach women to be modest in their dress. We especially do not want to neglect our own children. While we are instructing our daughters toward modesty with the opposite sex, we also need to instruct our sons toward modesty as well. But some men might be scratching their heads and saying, "Where do you draw the line between flattery and a sincere attempt to encourage a woman?"

Men, take heart! You do not have to stop complimenting women. You do not have to suppress the desire to encourage a woman for fear that she will take it the wrong way. How do I know? Because I'm a woman who's been there. Take it from me, there are those out there who will settle for nothing less than legalism on this issue. I've been told that my neckline should be four finger widths above the start of my cleavage, and that my skirts should be a certain number of inches beyond my knee, and that my sleeves should fall at a certain point beyond my shoulder, etc. etc. If I had to take out a tape measure every time I got dressed, my life would be a miserable exercise in the laws of prescription. Likewise, if you start to fret about every little thing you say to a woman, you are guaranteed to become discouraged.

Men, my advice to you is to do what you can to protect our ears. We will do what we can to protect your eyes. But let's agree not to let anyone steal our joy in serving one another. Modesty is something that should be guided not by a set of rules and regulations, but by an attitude of humility. To illustrate this concept, I recommend the following sermon by CJ Mahaney. Although it is geared toward women, I highly encourage men to listen to it as well:



When we understand that the God who dwells within us is guiding our actions, we will know exactly when we've crossed the line.

What comes to mind when you think of the word purity? Most Christians would define this word in the context of sexual chastity. But purity is simply the state of being free of any pollutant. Most of us don't realize how polluted we really are, until we consider the law of God. This is why Paul says, "Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, 'You shall not covet.' But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead" (Romans 7:7-8, ESV).

The Ten Commandments illustrate for us the very sin we harbor in our hearts. Most of us can easily see why God chose to include certain "pollutants" on the list (such as murder and adultery). But by comparison, lying doesn't seem all that bad. Those of us who use the law in evangelism know that the ninth commandment is the easiest to get people to admit they've broken. Why? The reason is that we as sinful beings do not see lying as being a serious sin. Part of the reason for this is that many of us unconsciously "rate" sin by the degree to which it "hurts" someone else. So I tell a little white lie here or there. It's not going to hurt anybody. So why has this sin made the "top ten"?

This takes us back to the original question at the top of this post: purity. Sin is not a matter of how "harmful" one's actions are to another person. Rather, sin is a matter of purity. Lying pollutes the soul.

It has also been said that the Ten Commandments are not just rules, but rather, they are the very reflection of the character of God. The commandments are more than just a way for you and me to keep the Golden Rule. They serve a much higher purpose in the life of a Christian, because we are commanded to be imitators of Christ. If we keep His commandments, we will actually reflect His character, which is the goal of sanctification.

Let me switch gears here for a minute and provide an illustration that I once heard used by Charles Stanley. Imagine you think to yourself, "I have faith that Jennifer is going to have dinner with our family on Saturday night." You have absolutely no evidence whatsoever that I am going to come to your home, but you make preparations to have me over anyway, on the basis of your "faith." You spend all week on preparations, and Saturday you slave over a hot stove, preparing the meal. At dinner time, you believe with all your heart that I will be ringing the doorbell very soon. But I don't. Dinner is getting cold. The sky is growing dark. Disappointed, you pack up the food and put it in the refrigerator. And you think to yourself, "I don't understand. I had such faith."

Faith is defined by the Bible as the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). In order for us to have faith, we need evidence upon which to build our beliefs. We don't just hope with all our might and call that faith. So now, let's imagine I say to you, "Say, what are you doing on Saturday evening? I've been meaning to stop by and spend some time fellowshipping and ministering to your family. Why don't I stop by at 6pm with a hot dish and we can all have dinner together?" Now you have something upon which to build your belief. Now you can freely prepare a meal with full confidence that I will come to dinner. Why? Because I gave my word, and my word serves as evidence that it will come to pass.

The most powerful evidence we have that God is going to keep His promises to us is His word. If God says it, then it's as good as done. The Bible says that God cannot lie (Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29). Since God cannot lie, His word is sufficient evidence. We can put our faith and trust in what He says. Likewise, if we make it a habit to be honest, we develop a reputation as a trustworthy people. Others will put their faith in us and believe what we tell them, solely on the basis of our word as their evidence.

But what happens when we don't keep our word? Simply put, we taint the evidence. If the evidence is faulty, the faith that others have in us is destroyed. In the natural realm, one lie can cost you your credibility. In the spiritual realm, one lie will cost you heaven.

As women, it can be hard sometimes for us not to lie. We feel that we have to say something "nice", even if it's not true. We will often give false compliments and tell ourselves that we are doing so for the benefit of the other person: we want to encourage that person. But is this our true motive for giving trite compliments that we really don't mean? Isn't the real reason we lie so that we can appear "nice"? I am not suggesting that we go around being mean and rude to others, and offering blatant honesty that is cruel and callous, just for the sake of offering truth. But when we are tempted to flatter, or when we are tempted to lie about our own flaws in an effort to preserve our image, are we really serving the other person or are we serving ourselves?When we lie to people or deceive them, when we do not keep our word, when we defraud another individual, we do not imitate a perfect, trustworthy, reliable God. Instead, we mimic the very actions of Satan.

Finally, consider this: "The ninth commandment covers any breach of confidence, devised to gain some unfair or dishonest advantage over another individual". God has commanded us not to bear false witness, because we are to be imitators of Christ. When we are dishonest, what we are actually doing is presenting an illusion in order to distract people away from the truth. Does this remind you of anyone? Who else can you think of that regularly seeks to distract people from the truth by persuading them to put their faith and trust in a lie?

Satan is a deceiver. The Bible calls him the father of lies. When we lie to people or deceive them, when we do not keep our word, when we defraud another individual, we do not imitate a perfect, trustworthy, reliable God. Instead, we mimic the very actions of Satan. This is why the ninth commandment is so vital to our Christian walk. While we as sinners don't think it's all that bad, the ninth law reflects back to us how unChristlike we are in comparison to the holy character of God, who never lies.

As a theatre major in college, I learned all too well how art imitates life. Sometimes the angst and sorrow we face in life can best be expressed by fictitious characters. We laugh with them, cry with them, and learn from their mistakes. In April I attempted to dissect the film Now Voyager in accordance with a "theme" I had designated for the month. This didn't work for several reasons, the primary one being that are just too many themes inherent in a good story that one can't really give them all the proper attention they deserve in a weekly blog post. That being said, I will instead simply recommend a film every month, and encourage the readers to apply the themes discussed on this site to the characters in the story. Sometimes, viewing ourselves in the plight of the characters can give us an introspective look at the consequences of our own sinful behavior.

This month's featured film is Splendor in the Grass, the story of two young lovers whose relationship is destroyed by sin. It is for this reason one of the most heartbreaking stories of all time. As you watch the mistakes made on both sides, consider how your own behavior in your courtship or marriage is affected by sin.

STATS
Year: 1961 (Not Rated)
William Inge (writer), Elia Kazan (director)
Starring Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty in his first film role
Setting: Southern Kansas, 1928 (just prior to the Great Depression)
Won 1962 Oscar for best screenplay and best actress (Natalie Wood)
Content warning: Some scenes contain intense kissing and several references to fornication. One scene features showgirls in revealing costumes.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR
1. Dating without accountability. Even when two people are sincerely in love, emotions that are not kept under control can result in heartbreak should the spoken intentions never come to fruition. Bud and Deenie's hearts were so emotionally intertwined, the pain resulting from the end of their relationship could be comparable to that of a divorce.

2. The goodness of marriage. If God brings someone special into your life and there is no good reason to postpone the union, the Bible encourages you to marry (1 Corinthians 7). Had Bud not postponed his desire to marry Deenie, the hope and promise of being able to eventually consummate the relationship with Deenie may have helped him resist temptation.

3. The pain of sin. This story is about two single people, however married viewers can see how important it is to remain faithful to their sexual commitment, else they be tempted outside the marriage. Sexual desire leads to sexual sin. Sin is a threat to relationships.

4. The power of love. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. In spite of the pain Bud caused her, Deenie still loves him. In spite of his pride, and in spite of the fear that he no longer deserves her, Bud still loves Deenie and is heartbroken over having hurt her.

5. The plans of man. The Bible says that in his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Sometimes we can do everything according to God's laws, but that doesn't guarantee things will always go the way we want them to. We can become confused and question God's goodness when our choice to do the right thing results in pain and heartbreak. (The bathtub scene where Deenie says, "I'm a good little, good little, good little girl!" is gut-wrenching.) But it is important to remember that God is always good, no matter what happens.

TRIVIA
The film's title comes from William Wordsworth's poem "Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood":

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...

Want a preview? Here is the original trailer of this classic film:

A Panel Discussion
If you're a married man, don't go anywhere. And ladies, stay where you are. This message applies to you as well.

The title refers to perhaps one of the most eye-opening discussions on purity I've ever heard in my life: Sex and the Single Man, which took place at the 2004 Desiring God National Conference. No, I was not in attendance, but I listened to it online. And before reading any further, I highly encourage you to listen to this message now by clicking here.

This was a panel discussion/lecture hosted by Mark Dever and it features some skilled marksmanship in being able to pinpoint our tendencies to be unholy with the opposite sex. While the message starts out talking about the obvious, ("Don't have sex until you are married,") it concludes by slaying the not-so-obvious sins, and I must confess, I was convicted. Some of the discussion in the not-so-obvious section includes how we have a tendency to put off marriage because for self-serving reasons. For example, we may have been blessed with the most wonderful partner in the world, but we string them along because we want to see if there is someone better out there. (Busted! I have done this.) Fraudulent behavior is also discussed (busted again!) as well as wanting to know every single shred of information about the other person down to the last detail before you are willing to trust them. (Once, twice, three times guilty!) The common denominator in all this behavior is selfishness. We are primarily looking out for number one in all of these examples.

These principles are relevant to both the single person and the married person. Singles need to practice fidelity now. Loyalty and faithfulness are not virtues that one receives as a gift on one's wedding day. And although these are disciplines that must be cultivated before marriage, they must continually be fine-tuned far into a married couple's golden years. I would like to take this time to expand a little bit on what Dever and the rest of the panelists discussed in this session.

First, what is modesty? Ask any Christian what modesty is and they'll probably provide an answer that involves clothing. Is this really all that modesty is? What else could it be? Well, let me offer you this scenario:

How would you feel if your significant other dressed in such a way that not one inch of skin was visible below the neck, yet they flirted with every member of the opposite sex that paid attention to them? What if every time your significant other opened his/her mouth, they had a funny story about the time they and a member of the opposite sex had a grand time doing this or that?

Whether you are married or single, male or female, my guess is after a while you probably wouldn't be very impressed over how much fabric was wrapped around this person. The fact that they dress modestly is completely negated by their behavior. This is because modesty is not simply about how one dresses. Rather, modesty is an attitude that is reflected in one's behavior -- and it should be practiced by both women and men alike. So here are three minor adjustments you can make, in addition to minding the way you dress, to practice modesty in your behavior with the opposite sex:

1. Limit the time you spend with a member of the opposite sex who is not a) your spouse; or b) someone with whom you are pursuing the possibility of a courtship. If you are married this is obvious. But if you are single, it may not be so obvious -- however it is still very important. You want to demonstrate now that you are capable of being loyal, faithful, and committed. The way you behave as a single is the primary indicator of how you will behave as a spouse. For example, last year, I had a wonderful man pursue me for awhile who had been badly betrayed in a past relationship. It was a real treat for me to be able to tell this man, "You are the only person I talk to and spend time with like this." We never progressed to an official courtship, but it was still a joy for me to provide him with that sense of security. It is also a good practice for me to develop now, so when I am called to a marital union, I will not have as difficult a time "forsaking all others."

2. Ask yourself, do I really need 400 "friends?" It is important to be mindful of how we come across regarding the number of opposite sex "friends" we have, both in person and online. Take MySpace, for example. I do not personally have a MySpace account, however, I do belong to other online communities and I have seen how one's behavior on websites like MySpace can be detrimental to one's character and Christian walk. It is probably not a good idea to have a majority of one's top "friends" on MySpace to be of the opposite sex. This is important for both married people and single people. When we have dozens of attractive people on our Friends List, it can poison the mind of your current (or future) spouse. Current spouses naturally may become insecure and wonder where your fidelity is. Prospective spouses may also feel insecure, as though they must compete with all the beautiful women or attractive men on your MySpace page. Prospective spouses may ask, "Will I also have to compete with these friends after we're married?"

MySpace and other online communities aside, it is also probably not going to serve your current or future spouse to have numerous stories that involve your opposite sex friends. For a woman to continually talk about men and say things like "I don't have many girlfriends. I just get along with men much better," is a sign of something else going on much deeper under the surface. Try to be sensitive to a current or prospective spouse by making them feel as secure in your fidelity as possible. The best way to do this is not give them a reason to feel insecure in the first place. For some of us, that means dying to self and distancing ourselves from those opposite sex relationships that we know would be hurtful to a current or prospective spouse.

3. Do not give into the temptation to "put yourself out there". While I think it is totally appropriate to be about the Lord's business and put yourself in the path of other godly people, even for the purposes of finding a future spouse, we can easily become confused when we "play the field". I'll give you an example to explain what I mean by this.

I have a male friend who once said to me, "I just don't know which woman to pursue. One has godly qualities, but so does the other. Then a third one comes along. What do I do? I am afraid to pick the wrong one." What this young man is expressing is once again that sneaky tendency toward self-service. This man is more focused on choosing the right one for him, rather than being the right one for her. And so he is afraid that once he marries, he may later realize he made the wrong "choice." When we open ourselves up to too many people of the opposite sex, we open ourselves up to confusion. The Bible says that God is not a God of confusion. If we trust God for our spouse, He will provide. Someone once said "The safest place on earth is in God's will." It's true. If we take our hands off the situation, we will have no trouble discerning who God's choice of a marriage partner is. But when we start getting to know this one, that one, and all their friends, the choice becomes very difficult. Do you want to someday say to your husband, "The only one I spent time really getting to know was you," or do you want to someday say to your husband, "The only ones I spent time really getting to know were you, Jack, Bill, Tom, Joe, Frank, Steve, Charlie, Hector, Snake, The Johnson Twins, and Larry?"

Here is a true story that also illustrates this point: I had a female friend who met a lot of men on MySpace. It seemed every month, she was spending time with a different man. One day, she asked my opinion about this, and I told her that not only was she creating confusion for herself, she was also not trusting God. In addition, she was forming a reputation for herself as someone who seemed a little "boy crazy". I asked her, "Do you want to someday say to your husband, The only one I spent time really getting to know was you, or do you want to someday say to your husband, The only ones I spent time really getting to know were you, Jack, Bill, Tom, Joe, Frank, Steve, Charlie, Hector, Snake, The Johnson Twins, and Larry?" She immediately understood my point. She deleted her MySpace account (I told her this was unnecessary -- but she didn't know how to stop herself from being tempted to talk to all these men if she didn't). And would you believe, about two weeks later she met her husband! That may not have happened if she continued to allow herself to be confused by the company of so many men.

Married people may not be consciously "putting themselves out there," but they can still subconsciously put themselves in these situations. Think about the numerous times a married person has declared that they want to get a divorce simply because they "feel" that they love someone new: "Things haven't been good between us for awhile, and I have discovered I have feelings for Biff -- I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you." How does something like this happen? I think that in the same manner that singles struggle with confusion in the examples above, a married person can also become "confused." Marriage vows are not about feelings. A marriage is more than a commitment -- it is a covenant, and it is "for better, for worse". When we forget that, we put our marriages in danger the moment we hit one of those "for worse" times. Instead of remaining true to the covenant, we begin "venting" to an outsider of the opposite sex. Then we begin to develop feelings we shouldn't. Those feelings become confusing . . . and again, confusion is not from God!

1 Thessalonians 4:3 says, For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality. What is sexual immorality? It is not just a matter of fornication. Simply put, it is any sexual behavior that is wrong. Many people forget that flirting is sexual behavior. Emotional bonding with the opposite sex is sexual behavior. And unfortunately these things are often exercised in immoral ways. We are so blind to the many sinful, depraved thoughts and behaviors that reside in our hearts. It really does take examining ourselves against the backdrop of a holy God to see just how wrong and potentially hurtful our "innocent" behavior can be to both others and ourselves.

Although the audio recording is titled, "Sex and the Single Man," do not be fooled. The wisdom in this discussion is a valuable gem for anybody, male or female, married or single. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. You'll be glad you did!