Reformed SHEology

I am a big fan of the old Twilight Zone Television series. There's this one episode you may remember. It's called, "I Sing The Body Electric." In this episode, three children lose their mother to some illness, and in an effort to fill the void that she left behind, their father decides to get a robot modeled after a kindly older woman. "Grandma" is not just any robot. She is actually capable of love. The three children reach adulthood under electric Grandma's tender loving care, and at the end of the story, just before they all go off to college, Grandma explains that her job is done, and so she will be heading back to the factory to be recycled. The kids thank her for everything and that's pretty much it. There are no tears when faced with the knowledge that they will be losing their dear Grandma. Unlike their real mother, who died, Grandma can never die. She will live on with different body parts, and be sent to another family to help raise those children. But one has to wonder if the lack of emotion is because she will never die, or because the children never really had a true relationship with her in the first place. After all, she is not a real human being.

The title of this episode comes from a poem by Walt Whitman by the same name. Whitman celebrates the human body as something sacred, and ponders the interconnectedness of all human beings. The Twilight Zone, in its traditional fashion, has taken this idea to a place of irony by offering a commentary on what might happen in the future if we forget how precious human beings are. Perhaps one of the reasons I love The Twilight Zone is that I often feel as though someone from the past is trying to warn me about the future. It is not uncommon for me to look around at the world I live in and realize that these predictions, thinly disguised as science fiction, have come true in many ways.

Tonight I spoke over the phone with someone about the fact that there are most likely some folks out there who associate some sort of notoriety with our label. Thanks to Facebook, we're fairly well-known on some level. But in spite of all the people out there in cyberland who appreciate what we're doing here, the truth is there isn't a single person in my church who has any clue that this blog even exists!

It's not that I've kept it a secret. I haven't gone to the other extreme of promoting my blog to my friends, either. From time to time, I've mentioned casually that I have a blog. I may have even given the web address to a few folks. But for some reason, my blog has not really caught on among the people I know personally. And I will confess, that has me feeling a bit empty and lonely this evening. It also leads me to a very interesting thought: What does the future hold for interpersonal relationships, considering that the people who know me best have never heard of this blog, which is such a huge part of my life?

While I am very thankful for the support of our readers, I can't help feeling at times that each of you is like an electric grandmother to me, filling the void that a real human being has left behind. And I imagine there are times I come across as an electric grandmother to you in return. I think of all the stay-at-home moms who don't have anyone over the age of four to talk to all day. I think about how many of them might turn to blogs like this to gain some sense of interconnectedness with other human beings. As a single person, I too have experienced this type of loneliness. I come home from work and there is no one to talk to, no one calling on the phone, and no new emails. It's frightening to think that email is quickly becoming an outdated form of communication in our present age of Twitter and text messaging. If you're not on a social networking site these days, you may as well be living in an isolated bomb shelter.

Cyber-relationships are a lot like the "Body Electric" robots. They provide us with something that we were previously missing, but they can never replace the real, flesh-and-blood relationships that we have face-to-face with the people God has placed in our immediate vicinity. Blogs, Facebook, MySpace and the like are wonderful tools, but they should never take the place of genuine relationships.

Christ died to break down the wall between us and the Father . . . Why then, do we insist on rebuilding that wall, only to work tirelessly to tear it down again ourselves?Christ died to break down the wall between us and the Father. The Bible tells us that when His work was accomplished on the cross, the veil was torn in two from top to bottom. It was not torn from the bottom up. In other words, God himself tore that veil to symbolize the removal of the barrier of sin that not only stood between us and Him, but also between one another. Because of Christ's work on the cross, we can now have fellowship with one another. Why then, do we insist on rebuilding that wall, only to work tirelessly to tear it down again ourselves? In other words, we put up walls with the people in our lives. Then we come to feel lonely about this, so our solution is to communicate with different people through the veil of a computer screen.

I am curious about the people who read this blog. If you are a public follower of this blog, I want you to know that I have looked at your profiles from time to time. I wonder who you are, and why you are reading my thoughts. I may not know you personally, but I do acknowledge each of you is more than an avatar on a profile. You are real, flesh-and-blood human beings, with feelings, thoughts, and opinions. I look through some of your blogs and I am touched by much of what I've seen, even though it is just a mere snapshot of your lives.

For this reason, I have felt led to honor some of you here. In the upcoming months, I may contact you to ask your permission to feature you on this site. Soon, I hope to begin a new series of posts called "SHEologian Spotlight." In the spirit of Philippians 2:3, I want to take an opportunity to esteem each of you as better than myself. My goal is to honor and encourage as many of you out in cyberspace that I can. I realize that I am not a physical shoulder to cry on, and I don't expect to take the place of real, face-to-face edification in your lives.

But I do intend to do everything in my power to be the best darn electric Grandma I can.

Part 5 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 1Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Ask a majority of women what is the number one quality they look for in a man, and the answer is "Sense of Humor." Couple that with the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for," and you may be faced with a situation that is quite frustrating. It is true that women love a man who can make them laugh. Men are all too aware of this and willing to serve women in this way. However, a man who is one step shy of being a circus clown can be a huge turn off (at least for me).

I've seen plenty of guys use humor in ways that at the very least will frustrate a woman, and at most will cause her to grow incredibly angry. As with all the "Men Behaving Badly" postings, my hope is to help men understand how and why their behavior is appropriate, and to help men better serve women in these situations. So without further ado, here are the three main types of "silly men" that I personally find challenging to deal with:

1) Inability to Be Serious. I recently had an email discussion with a brother who claimed he "seriously" wanted to know about a particular facet of my life which he found to be rather unusual. I explained that in some ways, my choices in this area were akin to a personal conviction. The man then replied with a dozen jokes about what I had just shared. It seemed every other sentence in his response was followed by "LOL!!!!!" or an emoticon of a smiley beating the ground with his fists in a fit of laughter. Needless to say, I not only did not find his response funny, I found it insulting. I strongly believe that in this case, this man was trying to establish a connection with me, but he ended up putting a bigger wedge between us. Guys, when you use the word "seriously," women want to feel that it is safe to be vulnerable, open up, and tell you - seriously - what makes us tick. If you then turn around and laugh at us, make jokes, or insult something that is very important to us, you make yourself seem very similar to the boy who cried wolf. If you say you want to know something "seriously", and then you don't behave in a serious manner, chances are, we're not going to believe you the next time you use that word. And if we don't believe you are capable of being serious, you will never win our trust.

"Inability to be Serious" is the number one type on my list because it has some very harsh consequences when it comes to how a woman will perceive your leadership ability. Think about it - who in their right mind would want to submit to someone who constantly laughs at everything? As a single woman, constantly laughing or joking in every situation would not be an attractive quality in a husband. But a man who cannot be serious, in my opinion, is even worse in a pastoral role. If your only counseling skill is your sense of humor, I'm not going to feel safe coming to you with a problem.

Tip for Women: As usual, we don't want to make this a man-bashing post, so for women, I'd like to offer some insight on why men do this. I've come up with two reasons. The first is illustrated by the recent example with my friend. In this case, I suspect he was trying to establish a connection with me and it backfired. But more often than not, when a man constantly jokes about something that is important to you, it could be that he is misunderstanding your passion as pain. Men absolutely hate to see people they care about in pain. Men also have an insatiable need to "fix" problems. Therefore, if they see you in pain, the quick fix for this solution is to reverse that by making you laugh. If a man cracks jokes when you are being serious, try not to judge him (like I am tempted to do) but let him know that the joke is inappropriate. Do this gently as it may hurt his feelings. Remember, in his mind, he is honestly trying to help. Getting angry might make the problem worse, because he might interpret this simply as a failure to achieve his goal of making you feel better, and thus try harder! I've known guys who will just turn up the juice in these situations and joke even more. Use that knowledge to your advantage. Instead of getting angry, say: "It would be helpful if you could not joke about this." When you tell him exactly how he can help (as this is his main goal), he should be able to shift gears.

2. Uses Humor as a Defense Mechanism. I feel I can speak from authority on this one because the only safe emotion for men to show in my family is humor. Throughout my childhood, adolescence, and even today, it is very difficult for the men in my family to cry or show weakness. Perhaps this is why "Sense of Humor" is down much further on my personal list of admirable qualities in a man. I've seen one too many men use their sense of humor as a way to mask their true feelings, and it can be frustrating.

This one should be obvious. While an inability to be serious may simply be a man's attempt to help you, using humor as a defense mechanism is a sign that the man cannot accept help in return. A man who uses humor as a defense mechanism is desperately trying to hide anything that he perceives might make him appear weak. By laughing off very serious or painful situations, he is trying to demonstrate that he is strong and does not need anyone's help. Usually men who do this are terrified to show their true emotions in front of a woman. But if you look carefully, men will more often do this to protect their image in front of other men. They often feel that in order to prove their manliness, they need to reject any displays of emotion that are typically perceived as "feminine," even if that means denying that it is a problem at all. Oftentimes, this denial comes in the form of humor. (If I can laugh about it, then it has no power over me.)

Tip for Women: In many cases, the only people men feel they can open up to is their women. So if your husband is acting this way, don't blow it by getting angry. If you become angry when he displays a "positive" emotion (humor), he will not want to share with you any emotion that he perceives to be negative, such as sadness, grief, or despair. Women can be supportive by reminding men that tears are not a female emotion, but a human emotion. Even Jesus wept!

3. The Competitive Comedian. I don't have this last one completely figured out, but I feel it does deserve mention. Sometimes men will use their sense of humor as a way to "one-up" a woman. If you make a witty remark, these men will immediately follow it with something even funnier. If you can top that, these men do not look very happy. I am not entirely sure why this occurs. I have been in situations where certain men (especially the "defense mechanism" guys) will almost feel threatened, as if someone else is stealing their spotlight when it comes to humor. I suppose for these men it is the only thing that gives them an identity in a group. Perhaps they grew up in a family where everyone had a label: Jack is the athlete, Bill has the brains, and Mike is the funny one. Your guess is as good as mine.

In other cases, if the man is interested in a particular woman, he will use humor as a way of being horribly mean to her. He will make fun of her appearance, her mannerisms, the things she's into - whatever he can think of. I've read a few secular articles that explain this one: this is a cry for attention. In many cases it works - when a man is mean to us, he has definitely captured our attention. Unfortunately, we are not drawn to him as a potential life partner. Instead, we're drawn to him in the same manner we would be to a huge pileup on the interstate, or two people who are arguing very loudly in a restaurant. We shake our heads and just think, "That's terrible." It's the same way with obnoxious and rude men. It gets our attention, but it is not attractive.

Tip for Women: I don't have much insight on this one, however I will say that since it is common for men to bond with other men through competition, a man who "one-ups" you with the jokes, or a man who uses humor to insult you may be trying to bond with you on some level. If this is the case, you can use the same strategy as you do with the "inability to be serious" guys. Instead of getting angry or telling him that he's being a rude, obnoxious jerk, use encouragement to direct him away from that behavior. For example, if he is nice to you, use that as an opportunity to smile and say, "Wow, I really like it when you say nice things to me." Or you might say, "The other day at the women's luncheon I mentioned some of the nice things you said to me last week, and they were so jealous!"

Another thing for women to remember is that we do have a tendency to be a bit oversensitive at times. Granted, there are some men who are downright annoying when they tease, but since men do bond with other men through banter, cut him some slack when he jokes with you. Ask yourself, "Am I overreacting?" Unless the teasing is inappropriate, laugh with him and move on.

In closing, I don't want to give the impression that a sense of humor is a bad thing. Far from it! It still remains at the top of the list in qualities that women look for in a man. This is largely because we admire a man who is able to laugh at himself. This is a sign of humility. It demonstrates that a man can have joy of the Lord in the midst of his shortcomings (as well as ours). And although it may not be obvious at first, laughing at oneself is an indicator that you are confident in who you are in Christ. This is a quality that is attractive in both men and women alike!

The bottom line: I would encourage men to use their sense of humor as an asset instead of allowing it to become a hindrance to their character. Many years ago, I read a secular book called Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun. This was required reading for a management class, and the one thing I remember most from this book was to never show your nice side up front, because if people think you're nice, they won't respect you as a leader. They will walk all over you. Instead, show that you have a head for business and a strong spine. Then once you gain their respect, you can be nice to them. I would say that a similar principle can be applied to the use of humor. I tend to respect a man who can be serious up front. Then when he shows his silly side later on, it comes as a pleasant surprise. But if a man is goofy from the start, I personally have a very hard time taking him seriously when he tries to switch gears. I can only speak for myself, but I have trouble seeing overly funny men as serious leaders.

What about you? How do you perceive overly funny men? Do you respect them, or are you less likely to take them seriously?

I am a very relational creature by nature. I love to talk. I want to know and be known. I do this primarily through sharing my business with other people, and wanting to know what's going on with them. Sometimes, I get into trouble when I attempt to know everybody's business. It is not appropriate for me to know everyone's business. When I try to get in the middle of business that isn't any of my business, I usually fall into sins like gossip. "Business" is a delicate thing, and can in many ways be so private and personal, it is only to be shared with select individuals. For this reason, I am very private about whom I share my business with. I don't share my business with just anybody. You have to be a close, trusted friend for me to share my business with you.

A few years ago, someone recommended I read a book called The Five Love Languages. For those of you unfamiliar with this title, the book basically describes five ways in which people give and receive love. They are 1) Gifts, 2) Words of Affirmation, 3) Acts of Service, 4) Quality Time, and 5)Physical Touch. I was intrigued as I read through this book. As it turns out, my primary love language is Quality Time. But for me, "QT" is not about just being in my presence. Going to a movie where we don't talk to one another is not my idea of quality time. No, quality time for me would actually involve some type of interaction, particularly it would require a willingness on my part to share my personal business with you. No wonder I am so particular about my privacy! It is the primary means by which I achieve intimacy and transparency with others.

I tried to think of all the ways in which I could show The Lord how much I love Him using all five love languages. For example, I could offer tithes and other offerings as gifts. I can offer up praises as words of affirmation. Serving others would obviously fulfill the acts of service. Offering a hug to someone who is hurting would be an expression of physical touch. And spending time in the Word and in prayer would be a good way to spend quality time with God.

I then did the reverse and tried to think of all the ways in which God demonstrates His love for us using all five love languages. For example, each of our blessings are gifts from The Lord. There are many examples in the Bible where He offers us words of affirmation, by assuring us that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that our sins are forgiven. We see His love for us through others who offer us acts of service or physical touch in the form of a hug. But I was stumped when it came to quality time. How does God offer us quality time?

This bothered me quite a bit, especially since quality time happens to be my primary love language. Naturally, God is always with us. But when I'm sleeping, and He's there, is that really an example of quality time?

I finished the book, my question still unanswered. Then about two days later, I needed to reference a verse in John over an unrelated issue. The only Bible version I had handy at the time was an NIV. Imagine my shock when I read the following passage, worded exactly as follows in the NIV:

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15:15, emphasis mine)

Incredible -- The Lord Himself considers me to be an intimate friend, and has chosen to share His business with me!Incredible -- The Lord Himself considers me to be an intimate friend, and has chosen to share His business with me! Immediately I began to cry as the depth of this realization set in. He has called me friend, why? Because He has made His business known to me! Just as I am selective about whom I share my business with, He is the same way, choosing only to reveal the secrets of the universe to those He has called friends. We know His plans for the future, that He goes to prepare a place for us, and that He is coming back soon. We know His likes and dislikes. We know when He is pleased and when He is grieved. We know His will! The Almighty Maker of the entire universe has chosen to share His business with us! Isn't that amazing?

So many times we enter times of prayer and tell God everything in our hearts, but rarely do we ever stop to listen to Him share what's in His. We then walk away from our quiet times disappointed, wondering why we don't ever hear an answer from God. Could it be that we don't truly believe that what He has planned for us is any of our business? After all, He is God. Who are we, that we should ask Him to reveal Himself to us? Is it any of our business? Why yes, according to John 15:15, it is!

There is no Friend more powerful and influential than Jesus. Think about that the next time you are trying to impress someone of high status who has perhaps snubbed your offer to get close. When you are confused about which direction to take next, or when times are lonely, turn to Christ, be still, and listen. He is waiting to share His business with you!

Nobody asked me to my senior prom. With only two months to go, things were looking bleak. So I took it upon myself to do the asking. I had set my sights on Brian. He was smart, handsome, funny, and extremely talented. He was quickly becoming one of the most popular boys in school, yet in spite of the approval Brian was receiving from others, I found myself at the center of gossip. Even with all his impressive adolescent credentials, Brian was still considered "aiming low." That's because Brian was a sophomore.

There were lots of seniors that year who chose dates that were two years younger. Nobody made fun of them. There did not seem to be any controversy over the older boys that had chosen younger girls to be their dates. But for me, an older girl, to be taken to the prom by a younger boy, well . . . that was nothing short of scandalous!

That was 1992. Yet not much has changed since then, has it? It is interesting to note how much "progress" same-sex couples have made in just the last 15 years alone, but the older woman/younger man combination is still largely taboo in today's society. Why is that?

I think the lack of acceptance these relationships receive is due to perceptions which are based purely on myth. Perhaps the biggest stigma attached to these relationships is the idea that the woman is always the seducer -- not the pursuer, the seducer. Research shows that this is not the case. In nearly all of these relationships, the man is still the pursuer. Yet films like The Graduate seem to have left the impression that women in these situations are not much different than Mrs. Robinson. Imagine - a film made over 40 years ago still has that much of an effect on people's perceptions about older women being courted by younger men!

I also think the idea itself is associated with feminist philosophy, yet I do not find this idea feminist at all. Somewhere along the line, we have mistaken age for leadership. A man does not need to be older than a woman to be a good leader, and a woman does not need to be younger than a man in order to demonstrate submission to that leadership. But I think the very presence of this myth is evidence for God's truth. Somehow, the world has indeed recognized that men are the natural leaders. It is easy to assume that if a man is older, he will do a better job of leading. He'll have more life experience, more knowledge, and more resources to be a better provider. Older men are seen as powerful (especially in the area of finances). Likewise, if a woman is older, it is tempting to assume she will "wear the pants" in the relationship. Somewhere along the line, we have mistaken age for leadership.

But God's truth does not discriminate on the basis of age. What makes a man a good leader is not that he is older than the woman, but that he possesses the character traits of a godly man. And a godly woman will demonstrate the qualities of Proverbs 31, regardless of her age. Films such as The Graduate add to the negative stereotype of these situations because the plot of the movie is scandalous in itself: Benjamin is in love with Elaine, but is sleeping with her mother. The circumstances surrounding the characters in this film are what make it somewhat akin to a Greek tragedy. But the age difference alone between Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson is not a sin!

Sadly, many women in these situations will allow themselves to feel vulnerable because they are afraid that the man will eventually leave them for a younger, more attractive woman. In All About Eve, our film of the month, Margo Channing (Bette Davis) is romantically linked with a man who is 8 years her junior (Gary Merrill -- the two later pursued an offscreen romance and were eventually married in real life). Margo becomes insecure over the age difference and allows her fears to show through her cleverly delivered lines:

BILL: Your guests were also wondering whether the music couldn't be a shade more on the - shall we say, happier side?

MARGO: If my guests do not like it here, I suggest they accompany you to the nursery where I'm sure you will all feel more at home.

Older women need not fear that younger men will lose their attraction on the basis of age. This is because it is the inner qualities of an older woman that capture the younger man's attention. In fact, Dr. Joyce Brothers has been quoted as saying: "The younger man is attracted to an older woman most likely because of her poise, her social graces, her contacts. She has a polish he hasn’t yet acquired." It's true!

I personally have always found myself attracted to younger men. It's not because I feel a sense of accomplishment for conquering some patriarchal stereotype, but simply because I it seems that younger men who have an interest in me are really interested in me as a person. They have respect for my ideas and opinions. They aren't too proud to admit they can learn from me as much as I can learn from them. Unlike older men, they do not try to use their age or experience to compensate for a lack of leadership skills. There is a raw honesty there - one which says, "This is me, and I'm not going to try to hide the fact that I don't know everything." A younger man is not threatened by an older woman's accomplishments. Instead, he is inspired by them. He knows that the older woman once walked in his shoes, and if she can be successful, then so can he!

But what I find most attractive is that certain confidence which accompanies the man who is not too shy to pursue an older woman. Certainly there is also a confidence that comes with a woman who is not afraid to allow herself to be pursued by such a man.

And to that I say, Koo Koo Ka Choo!

John Piper is someone that both Geraldine and I respect tremendously. The main focus of his ministry is reflected in its title: Desiring God. So imagine my surprise when a brother in Christ recently told me that John Piper is a false teacher! Naturally I was puzzled by his claim, so I asked him to elaborate. In a nutshell, the brother told me that one of Piper's most well-known quotes is heresy. After he briefly explained his reasoning, which is better summed up by this article, the brother warned me to "be careful about endorsing John Piper" on my blog.

I was flabbergasted that this fellow would go through John Piper's ministry with such a fine-toothed comb as to uncover a tiny little technicality, a matter of semantics really, to such an extent that he is now poisoned against everything that is good and edifying and encouraging about Piper's ministry. Truly, if anyone took a complete inventory of all Piper's books and sermons, any concern surrounding this one little statement in question would be lost in a sea of solid teaching.

In recent weeks I have seen similar attacks on Ravi Zacharias and Ray Comfort. I confess I also sinfully became consumed in a similar discussion regarding Hank Hanegraaff. In all four incidents concerning these prominent and respected teachers, one thing remained constant: we were "straining gnats."

This phrase comes from Matthew 23:24, in which Jesus rebuked the self-righteous Pharisees: "You blind guides! You strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!" One thing is certain here -- that there was a gnat to be strained. In the case of this scripture, Jesus was telling the Pharisees that they were focusing on something that warranted a legitimate criticism. However, the issue was miniscule in comparison to their own sin of which they had not repented.

In Christian circles, we often do this very same thing. In some cases, the "camel" we swallow is our own imperfection. We'd rather point the finger at what someone else is doing wrong in order to pull focus from our own sin. But in other cases, the "camel" we swallow is all the good qualities that are possessed by the target of our criticism. Instead of thanking God for the blessing given to us in the form of other Christians (Romans 1:8), we focus entirely on the flaws of these Christians. What often results is a forgetfulness over all the good these people have contributed to the kingdom.

Is John Piper perfect? Absolutely not. Has Ray Comfort made some choices I would not agree with? Most definitely. Has Ravi Zacharias bungled an opportunity to clearly enunciate the gospel? Who among us hasn't? And as for Hank Hanegraaff, well . . . let's just say there are going to be those members of the faith with whom I just don't see eye-to-eye. But do these human imperfections make these men heretics (or friends of heretics)? If we focus too closely on the flaws of our brothers and sisters in Christ, we will be tempted to avoid them. This is exactly what Satan wants!

People's bad choices, poor communication skills, and character flaws should not surprise us, but even moreso, they should not distract us from the good qualities people possess. Yet this is exactly what Satan uses in order to cause division. He likes to take our eyes off the overall work and character of a solid brother in Christ and tries to convince us to focus on the tiniest little thing about that solid Christian that may be "unbiblical." What follows is a temptation to separate from that individual.

Saints, do you realize that if we were to renounce a solid Christian leader every time he fell short, we'd have no teachers left! The same thing can happen to us in our interpersonal relationships. If we focus too closely on the flaws of our brothers and sisters in Christ, we will be tempted to avoid them. This is exactly what Satan wants!

In fact, the very sin I had committed which led to the creation of this blog began in this same exact manner. The man with whom I was angry for so long is a sinner. He has character flaws. He made choices I didn't agree with. But I chose to focus on his imperfections. As a result, I had forgotten everything about him that is good and righteous and godly.

Is there a friend or family member that you have been harboring resentment against because you are focusing too heavily on their flaws? Have you forgotten all the things about that person that you love because you are so consumed with their imperfections? Do you realize that the enemy is using these imperfections to keep you away from this person? Do you see that this is a distraction which has resulted in division? Do not allow the enemy to gain a foothold. Repent of your sin and love your neighbor. This was not only the Lord's commandment (John 15:12), it was also His prayer (John 17:20-26). We must learn to love one another unconditionally, knowing we are going to fail at times and disappoint one another. The Bible says none are good. And yes, that means that even John Piper is bad:

My first job was at a local neighborhood bagel shop. Three times a week I would work from 2:30-6pm after school in a privately owned, delicatessen-type establishment that was run by a very arrogant and pompous man. I was only fourteen years old, so I was paid under the books, below minimum wage. I was always on time. I always went above and beyond the call of duty. And when I had finished any task I was given, I’d report back to my boss. He’d look at me and say, “Now you can scrub the tables,” or, “Go dump out the old bagels.” On occasion, he’d just stare at me and say nothing.

I worked there for eight months, which in high school years is like a golden anniversary. One day, I announced to my boss that I had not only cleaned the bathroom, but I had also taken the liberty of fixing the paper towel dispenser that was falling off the wall. He looked at me and said, “Do you want a medal?” His wife quietly replied in my defense, “Sometimes it’s nice to hear a thank you.” He looked at me as though I was the biggest nuisance in the world and in a sharp, staccato tone said, "Thank you, Jen!" Clearly he was mocking my desire for a word of approval. I nodded and walked away, wondering why nothing I ever did seemed to please this man.

Two weeks later, the baker robbed the store. He grabbed a bunch of money from the cash register and ran. I was not even there when it happened. But I got fired. That’s right – I got fired! I was supposed to work until 6pm and I left at 6pm. The man who normally came every night to lock up was running late, so a coworker agreed to stay behind and wait. Since I was not there to “defend” the register when this grown man decided to come in and rob the place, my boss took his revenge out on me.For months I internalized feelings of shame as I drove myself nearly insane trying to figure out what I had done wrong, and what, if anything, I could have done better to have prevented the loss of my job.

After eight months of showing this man complete loyalty, faithfulness, and dedication, he fired me for something that I had no control over. And he wasn't nice about it, either. He called me unexpectedly on a very quiet evening and proceeded to yell at me in his big, bad "man" voice. He cursed and screamed, and posed questions to me like, "What is wrong with you?" and, "What are you, an idiot?" I did not even know the store had been robbed. He never told me. He just open fired. It was nothing short of devastating. The rejection I suffered was painful, confusing, and unfair. For months I internalized feelings of shame as I drove myself nearly insane trying to figure out what I had done wrong, and what, if anything, I could have done better to have prevented the loss of my job.

Ironically, my drastic reaction to being rejected stemmed from biblical truth. The Bible says that woman was created for man (1 Corinthians 11:9). Our whole entire reason for existing is to support the men around us. I am not a man, and I do not know what kind of painful feelings men go through when they are rejected. But I am convinced that the single worst feeling that a woman experiences when she is rejected by a man is the feeling that her entire reason for existing has been utterly dismissed. When a man no longer has any use for us, we feel as though we have been rendered completely unnecessary. It can feel as though we no longer have a function. Depression sets in quickly because not only are we grieving the loss of a man’s company and the security of our regular routine as dictated by him, we are coming to grips with the idea that we are no longer valued. It makes sense why God would command men to love us. If our entire reason for existing is to devote ourselves to them, what we want in return more than anything else in the world is the assurance that we are loved, or at least appreciated. But what do we do when we feel we are not loved or appreciated?

The first thing we must do is to assess our motives for serving. If in fact we are only serving the men around us in order to gain a sense of approval from them, we are really seeking our own need to be liked, appreciated, or even admired. Underneath it all, some of us may simply be fishing for a compliment. If that compliment doesn't come, it doesn't automatically mean that we are not appreciated. It simply means that the appreciation was not expressed in the manner we had hoped. When we feel rejected, we must always examine our motives in the context of that relationship. If we find our motives are not pure, then we repent of that selfishness and the feeling of rejection goes away.

But because men are sinners just like we are, there are those times when the rejection we experience is real. In this case, we must still be careful to guard our hearts. For example, when my boss fired me, the first reaction I had was one of terror. But once the initial shock wore off, the fear gave way to pride. At the tender age of fifteen, I uttered for the very first time the words of disbelief spoken by every woman who has ever been rejected without warning: “After all I’ve done for him!”

When we are rejected, we must be careful not to compensate for our feelings of low self-worth by becoming puffed up. Saying desparaging things about the man, or over-inflating our own good qualities in an effort to make us feel better is sin on both ends. The only cure for the hurt and pain is to turn to the cross. The cross has a wonderful way of leveling the playing field on both sides. It enables us to forgive the person who rejected us when we put ourselves in his shoes, remembering the many times we have rejected The Lord. It also helps us to forgive that person when we consider the way that God has forgiven us over and over and over again.

Finally, when we are rejected, we must be strong in our duty to continue serving. The Bible says "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9). Because every person we come in contact is a sinner, we can rest assured we will be rejected again and again. We cannot just shut down and avoid having relationships in an effort to avoid rejection. We must continue serving others, but we must also use discretion. "Continuing to serve" does not necessarily mean we continue to serve the individual who hurt us. Forgiveness is required of us always, but reconciliation is not mandatory. There may be good reason to separate yourself from someone who is abusive or cannot be trusted. But we cannot allow ourselves to grow weary of doing good to those who are blameless. We cannot go on in the present punishing the innocent for the sins of the guilty committed against us in the past. If you are suffering from the bondage of rejection, know that you can break those chains and be free to serve others in Christ. Here is a wonderful message by Charles Stanley called, "Release from the Bondage of Rejection." It runs approximately 50 minutes in length, or you can also skim the sermon outline by clicking here.

As a theatre major in college, I learned all too well how art imitates life. Sometimes the angst and sorrow we face in life can best be expressed by fictitious characters. We laugh with them, cry with them, and learn from their mistakes. In April I attempted to dissect the film Now Voyager in accordance with a "theme" I had designated for the month. This didn't work for several reasons, the primary one being that are just too many themes inherent in a good story that one can't really give them all the proper attention they deserve in a weekly blog post. That being said, I will instead simply recommend a film every month, and encourage the readers to apply the themes discussed on this site to the characters in the story. Sometimes, viewing ourselves in the plight of the characters can give us an introspective look at the consequences of our own sinful behavior.

This month's featured film is Splendor in the Grass, the story of two young lovers whose relationship is destroyed by sin. It is for this reason one of the most heartbreaking stories of all time. As you watch the mistakes made on both sides, consider how your own behavior in your courtship or marriage is affected by sin.

STATS
Year: 1961 (Not Rated)
William Inge (writer), Elia Kazan (director)
Starring Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty in his first film role
Setting: Southern Kansas, 1928 (just prior to the Great Depression)
Won 1962 Oscar for best screenplay and best actress (Natalie Wood)
Content warning: Some scenes contain intense kissing and several references to fornication. One scene features showgirls in revealing costumes.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR
1. Dating without accountability. Even when two people are sincerely in love, emotions that are not kept under control can result in heartbreak should the spoken intentions never come to fruition. Bud and Deenie's hearts were so emotionally intertwined, the pain resulting from the end of their relationship could be comparable to that of a divorce.

2. The goodness of marriage. If God brings someone special into your life and there is no good reason to postpone the union, the Bible encourages you to marry (1 Corinthians 7). Had Bud not postponed his desire to marry Deenie, the hope and promise of being able to eventually consummate the relationship with Deenie may have helped him resist temptation.

3. The pain of sin. This story is about two single people, however married viewers can see how important it is to remain faithful to their sexual commitment, else they be tempted outside the marriage. Sexual desire leads to sexual sin. Sin is a threat to relationships.

4. The power of love. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. In spite of the pain Bud caused her, Deenie still loves him. In spite of his pride, and in spite of the fear that he no longer deserves her, Bud still loves Deenie and is heartbroken over having hurt her.

5. The plans of man. The Bible says that in his heart, man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Sometimes we can do everything according to God's laws, but that doesn't guarantee things will always go the way we want them to. We can become confused and question God's goodness when our choice to do the right thing results in pain and heartbreak. (The bathtub scene where Deenie says, "I'm a good little, good little, good little girl!" is gut-wrenching.) But it is important to remember that God is always good, no matter what happens.

TRIVIA
The film's title comes from William Wordsworth's poem "Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood":

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...

Want a preview? Here is the original trailer of this classic film:

The most incredible thing happened to me this week. This Tuesday I had a conflict with someone who never wants to speak to me ever again. And in spite of everything, I cannot wipe the silly grin off my face. I made a huge mess of things, and it was worth every minute of it! Sound weird? Let me explain.

Three years ago, God gave me an assignment: I was to work on mortifying my pride and to open myself up to people. I did not like the idea one bit. I followed Him, kicking and screaming of course, but I obeyed nonetheless. And over time, He gave me the grace to develop friendships with people whose company brings me such joy.

But even in the best situations conflict is inevitable. Last year, this particular friend had made a decision I did not agree with and in the process of carrying out the decision, he sinned against me. I remained silent for his sake, but stewed in my anger toward him for months, all the while knowing my sin was absolutely disgusting. I thought, “If this person could see me now, he’d want nothing to do with me!” But I would not repent.


Then I began to read Tim Lane’s and Paul Tripp’s book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, and God’s voice broke through. After several months of stubbornness, God gave me the grace to repent. This Tuesday, I finally confronted my friend. I told him how much pain his sin had caused me, but I also confessed my reaction to his sin, which, in my opinion was far more revolting than what he did to me. And do you know what my friend said to me? He said, “We’re done. I wish to cease all communication with you.” And that was it. Game over. If I could play a dying Pac-Man sound for you, I would.

I realize this is not your average book review, but I want to illustrate just how applicable the concepts outlined by Lane and Tripp (2006) are to this unfortunate situation between me and my friend.

First, Lane and Tripp (2006) define a relationship as follows: "What is a relationship? The intersection of the stories of two people. The problem is that an awful lot of carnage takes place at this intersection" (p. 62). This truth is what often makes us wonder if it's really worth it to even bother with other people to begin with. Many of us may be thinking, "What's the point in getting close to anyone? They're just going to sin against you and betray you in the end, right? Even Christians will stab you in the back!" Indeed, Christians will hurt us. My friend hurt me very badly last year. And I hurt my friend badly on Tuesday when I tried to tell him. Not only did I take all the pain I felt he caused me and dump it onto him, I did it through the filter of my sinful words. There were definitely some things I could have said better. His solution? Let's never speak again. I must admit, it sounds like a great way to avoid any future pain and drama, right? But is cutting ourselves off from others really the solution to our relationship problems?

Lane and Tripp (2006) explain why we not only should bother with these messy relationships, but why we need to:

Conflict with others is one of God's mysterious, counterintuitive ways of rescuing us from ourselves . . . The closer you are to someone, the more potential there is for conflict. Relationships are costly, but so is avoiding them. If you choose to avoid them, you will minimize the conflict in your life, but that safety has liabilities of its own. If you choose to face conflit head on, it is full of risks and the potential for great hurt, but it can also be redemptive. (pp. 78-79)

God uses the relational conflicts in our lives to reveal to us the sin patterns lying dormant within us that keep us from becoming conformed to his image. A conflict, according to Lane and Tripp (2006) is a unique opportunity for sanctification because it provides us with a practical means to imitate our Lord: "When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity," (p.93). When we look at our relational conflicts this way, they almost seem to make sense, whether we be the hurting victim or the forgiven offender.

In spite of the fact that I am grieving the loss of a friend this week, I can be at peace because God has given me the power to shift my focus from people to the cross. Amazing! Two years ago, I would have been devastated by this. My pride would have been hurt to know that someone "hates me" because I messed up. But now I realize that true freedom is the ability to love others unconditioally, and allow others to love me unconditionally in return. It is exhausting to constantly hold a debt over someone's head. It is also exhausting to avoid conflict, never confronting someone about their sin or confessing your own, always feeling as though you have to tiptoe around people because bringing it to their attention might upset them. True freedom is the ability to admit sin openly because I know there are those in my life who still love me in spite of my sin. What a relief not to carry that burden anymore! What a relief to just be myself and know I am still loved and forgiven!

Ironically, I had shared these ideas with this very same friend in an email only two months ago. In this email I described the change that God has brought about in me. I basically summed up in my own words the valuable lessons I learned after reading Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. The following is an excerpt from that email:

Praise God, He has broken me of my pride. I am a sinner, and I will shout it from the rooftops. When I get married, I am not going to run myself ragged trying to be a stepford wife. I am going to let all that sin hang loose and say, "That's right, you married an angry woman. You married a prideful woman. You married a self-righteous, gossiping, slandering, idolatrous, merciless, lover of self!" And it will be a struggle. And he will see the ugly. There will be no facade -- he will not be able to praise me and say, "Many women have done excellently, but you have excelled them all" without first acknowledging the power of Christ in my life. Because apart from Christ, I can do nothing.

Underneath these robes of righteousness that do not belong to me is a hideous creature. I am positively revolting. But the glory story lies in the fact that Christ died to reconcile us to Him and to each other . One of the most profound things I read in the relationships book last week is that if we give our relationships over to God, they will grow in maturity. Even your best relationship that you have right now is a minefield of sin. It's how two people react toward each other's sin and encourage each other toward sanctification that strengthens that bond -- together, they are fighting the power of sin and glorifying God. I see now that opening myself up to my friends, my mentor, and my pastor is a chance for me to defeat sin, instead of letting it get the best of me.

The outcome of Tuesday's conflict was actually quite fortunate in that I discovered I have reason to rejoice in all that God has done in my heart. This week I have received numerous emails and phone calls from friends and loved ones who came alongside me to celebrate my progress. Here are a few examples of the congratulations I’ve received:

KEEP LOOKING UP – for our Father is pleased to give you the Kingdom – and He is pleased with your life! Love you my friend and am praying for you!

I can’t believe you are the same girl I met three years ago! I can’t believe you are the same person who wouldn’t let anyone in church get to know you. I can’t believe you are the same girl who didn’t even want people saying hello to you. Wow!! Praise God!! Jen I am so happy for you!

What a testimony to the power of God in your life! Praise God, what an incredible change in you!

Wow Jen, this sounds just like how you and I got our start! Remember? I offended you right from the beginning and you told me to just stay out of your life and that you were not interested in a friendship with me whatsoever! And look at us now! (I am humbled and embarrassed to admit the truth of this comment – I actually rejected this person at first, but she has since become a trusted advisor to me.)
What courage and obedience! You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for sharing what God has done in your life. What an awesome God we serve!
Wow, I can hear you smiling through the phone!

This is so exciting! You must feel totally awesome right now!

Only in God’s Kingdom can such a thing be possible! And it doesn’t end there. I am praying that God will grant my friend the same gift to see that relationships really are a mess worth making!

"The Bible assumes that relationships this side of eternity will be messy and require a lot of work," (Lane & Tripp, 2006, p. 30). This week I made a huge mess of things, and it was worth every minute of it. You know, it's interesting: one of the final things my friend said to me was, “I forgive you, but I don’t have time to deal with this stuff.” Years ago, I would have agreed with this perspective 100%. But today, I realize this “stuff” is the Christian life. We have no choice but to deal with this "stuff." This "stuff" is what Christ died for. This "stuff" is what the Kingdom of heaven is built upon! We are horrible sinners, and we treat each other so badly. But the power Christ gives us to overcome makes it completely worth it in the end. We are not meant to live the Christian life alone. We are not meant to run for cover when sin rears its ugly head. We are expected to stand up and face this "stuff" head on!

If you have a friend whom you are afraid to confront about their sin, or if you have unconfessed sin toward another and you are terrified of what a mess it may create in your relationship, do yourself a favor and make that mess anyway. To do anything else is to negate the power of Christ in your relationships and in your life.

Lane, T., & Tripp, P. (2006). Relationships: A mess worth making. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press.

When I was growing up, several of my friends had favorite songs that were very special to them for various reasons. Some of these songs brought back fond memories. Others communicated how one was feeling when ordinary words would not suffice. But above and beyond all our favorite songs was the song we singled out as being our "theme song." A person's theme song captured the very essence of who that person was.

Like my friends, I too had a "theme song," but I never admitted to it. The reason was my theme song was such an accurate description of what was going on inside my heart, to expose it to someone else would be far too intimate - and a betrayal to the song itself. There was one song that stood out to me above all others in its ability to perfectly diagnose the condition of my own humanity. Go ahead -- have a listen (click here for the lyrics):



This is a song about willful isolation. And I would go so far as to say it is a song about sin. Some may say this statement is a bit extreme. I beg to differ, and as a former hermit, I speak from experience. So here are my top five reasons why willful isolation is sin:

1. It is the epitome of selfishness. When we refuse to open our hearts due to some past emotional injury, we are choosing self over others. Remember Josh's McDowell's definition of love? To protect and provide. When we build walls, "a fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate," as Simon and Garfunkel describe, who are we protecting first and foremost? Self. And as a result, who are we failing to provide for? Everyone else.

2. It is a prime example of rebellion, which God says is as the sin of witchcraft. God exists in a state of continual relationship with himself as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and we are created in His image. When we willfully choose to isolate ourselves from other people, we are rebelling against His design.

3. It is evidence that we do not trust God. We are afraid of how others might hurt us, so we take control and apply our own solution to sin: isolation. But God has already provided a solution for sin. It's called the cross. When we shut our hearts off from others, we are saying that we do not think reconciliation and restoration are possible. We are basically saying that the cross is powerless in the life of the believer.

4. It is evidence that we will not forgive. Many people have been badly betrayed or seen others go through a betrayal. As a result, they have chosen a life of solitude. "But what if you've been hurt really badly by someone?" If this is the case, wisdom would dictate that you stay away from that person. Yet many use proverbial wisdom as a license to sin and justify shutting themselves off from everyone. If we are constantly punishing everyone for what someone else did to us, we have not only not forgiven the offender, we have become the supreme judge of everyone else who crosses our path from that point forward. These poor people do not stand a chance against our subconsious accusations. They have done nothing to us, but they stand condemned for the offenses we know they could possibly commit against us in the future.

5. It shows we're only in this life for what we can get out of it, not what we put in. This is especially true in courtship scenarios. The world's philosphy in selecting a mate is not based on what we have to offer the other person, but rather, what they have to offer us. This is in direct opposition to Christianity. Again, wisdom would dictate that we carefully consider the character of anyone we are considering for a potential marriage partner, however, we are in sin if we are deliberately avoiding marriage (the way I did for over a decade) for any reason. Feminist philosophy is loaded with this type of self-serving mentality. It turns our divine command to love one another into a barter system: "If and only if you treat me right, then I will respect and submit to you." The Bible places no conditions on the command to respect one's husband. So when we deliberately "choose" not to get married, it is because we've asked the question, "What's in it for me?" and decided the dividends were not high enough. Others (myself included) have remarked, "I don't want to ruin my life." Is this an accurate portrayal of love?

Jesus said there is no greater love than a man lay down his life for his friends. But He wasn't just talking about one's physical death. He was talking about giving one's day-to-day life to others: living in service to other people. Christ gave His life, and every single Christian is expected to do the very same thing. We honor fallen war heroes who have given their lives for our country, but we forget that every day there are people all around us who have given their lives for others: parents, teachers, pastors, friends -- through the random acts of selfless service to you and me.

When I consider how I used to bellow, "I AM A ROCK!" I realize I have stolen one of our Lord's titles. This is prideful. This is presumptuous. This is sin.When I consider the gusto with which I used to belt out the lyric, "It's laughter and it's loving I disdain," I am faced with the realization that I have looked at God Himself with disdain. I have held in contempt the system of interconnectedness that He intended for me to have. How is this any less offensive to God than lying or stealing? When I consider how I used to bellow, "I AM A ROCK!" I realize I have stolen one of our Lord's titles. This is prideful. This is presumptuous. This is sin.

The world wants to lull us to sleep concerning these issues, and it endlessly encourages us to justify our sin. Last Sunday, my pastor stated in his message that the hardest word to get around in pastoral counseling is the word because: "I was mean to her because I was tired," or, "I stopped talking to him because I was angry." Does the word because justify our actions? Are we justified when we say, "I shut myself off because others have hurt me in the past"? Secular counselors would have us spend countless hours and dollars talking about why we did this or why we did that. Regardless of why, the fact remains we still behaved in a manner that displeases God, and He holds us accountable for our reactions to others' sin against us. Our excuses do not impress Him. We do not need counseling. We do not need therapy. We need to repent and forgive. Period.

Jesus urges us to put to death the deeds of the flesh. The Bible says that those who do such things are worthy of death, yet we continue to do them and give hearty approval to those who practice them. Consider what Simon and Garfunkel were suggesting in the following lyric: I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I was one of those who used to "connect" with others through books instead of fellowship. Instead of connecting with real people of flesh and blood I could touch and see, I connected with fictitious characters. The song may be forty years old, but the idea is the same. Only the methods have changed. We still may shun real relationships, but instead of hiding behind our books, we now hide behind our computers.

Though I am horrified to think that I once considered "I Am a Rock" to be my "theme song," I know that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, the one true Rock. It is only by Christ's power I could repent of this sin. I will always remember 2007 not only as the year I repented of isolation, but also as the year I refused to give any approval to those who practice it. It is the year I stopped asking, "What's in it for me?" It's the year I wrote a requiem for an anthem I should have outgrown a long time ago. Praise be to God for the freedom we have in Christ to be more than conquerors. May we all continue to grow in love and service toward one another in 2008.

A Review
Pride is a very sneaky sin, because it often masks itself as other things. I used to think pride was simply the act of being "conceited." I used to think that if you bragged about yourself or your accomplishments, that was pride -- and it is, but pride is so much more than that. Because I was always very careful not to praise myself to others (Proverbs 27:2) I didn't think I had a problem with pride. Boy, was I ever wrong!

Pride occurs anytime we esteem ourselves higher than we should, especially when it comes to our own sense of dignity and self worth. It may or may not be accompanied by conceit. I personally think when it is not accompanied by conceit, it becomes a very slippery sin that escapes our grasp. This is the kind of pride that I struggle with.

Take for example, the feminist movement. It is a sinful response to sin. It puffs up women not because it boasts in their accomplishments, rather, it it puffs up women because it seductively convinces them that they don't need men. When we seek to be "strong" and we claim we don't need others, this is pride. We are esteeming our abilities higher than we should. We are claiming that our self-worth surpasses the worth of men. This is sin.

My biggest struggle with pride reared its ugly head in the context of my relationships with others. My tendency to run from relationships, whether they be with the same or the opposite sex, was an ugly manifestation of pride in my life. First, I was proudly elevating my abilities to an above-normal level, claiming that I had some super-human power to reject the basic human need for relationships. I wanted others to admire me for my supposed "strength." Secondly, I was elevating my own knowledge above God's. Although He said, "It is not good for man to be alone," I was insinuating through my independence that I was right and He was wrong. Finally, by keeping others at arm's length, I was able to devote all my time and energy to the god of self. But not once did I ever consider myself to be prideful because I did not appear conceited or brag about my accomplishments. Was I in sin? You betcha!

Just after I became interested in reformed theology, I read a truly incredible little book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Brokenness: The Heart God Revives. This book didn't just teach me about brokenness - it actually was an instrument God used like a scalpel to cut out all the cancerous tumors of pride that were growing in my heart. This is a must read for anyone struggling with the sin of pride, because brokenness is the antidote to pride.

As I read this book, I began to realize that the sin of pride was so hard to detect in my heart because it had disguised itself as fear. Over the years, I had lamented that the people who hurt me the most in life were other Christians. I ran from anyone who wanted to be my friend because I was afraid of getting hurt. I used to think, "If they find out I'm not the superwoman they all think I am, they'll reject me and leave me." But DeMoss (2002) says, "Broken men and women don't care who finds out about their sin; they have nothing to protect, and nothing to lose," (p. 67). The truth God showed me was that when we are afraid of others, it is our sinful pride that we are fighting so hard to protect. It is our precious reputation, our squeaky clean image as a good Christian, and most of all, the respect of others that we don't want to lose. That is a hard pill to swallow. It gets worse:

Jesus was always drawn to those whose sin seemed egregious (from a human point of view), but were repentant over their sin. On the other hand, he was repulsed by those who looked like perfect saints but whose hearts were proud and unbroken. Could it be that God is more offended by those of us who appear to be respectable and spiritual but who have proud, unteachable spirits, than He is by adulterers, fornicators, sodomites, abortionists, or pornographers who make no pretense of being godly? The sobering reality is that proud, unbroken Christians have done far more damage to the Church of Jesus Christ than any sinners outside the church could inflict. (DeMoss, 2002, pp. 82-83).

YEEOUCH!!! That was one slap in the face I really needed. In my early walk with God, I was hurt so badly by other Christians, I left the church for six years. I was living in sin for those six years. No, I was not fornicating or shooting up heroin or frequenting seedy nightclubs. But I was marinating in pride. My expectations of others who called themselves Christians were so high I had forgotten that Christians are sinners too. And I did the very thing that I was so afraid they'd do to me: I rejected them. I sinned in response to sin. Worse, I punished everyone I met after that for what others had previously done to me. I was a Pharisee. I didn't want to give anyone a chance. I buried myself in my accomplishments and sneered that I was too busy whenever I was invited to fellowship somewhere. The truth is, I was protecting my pride. I did not want to be around others because I did not want to be hurt again. But if we are truly to become the men and women that God delights in, we can't protect our pride. We must crucify it.

Earlier this year, another trusted Christian friend sinned against me and immediately, pride reared its ugly head. Instead of forgiving right then and there, which is what I should have done, I began to compare my own righteousness to that of this other individual. I said things like, "What kind of person would do such a thing?" I continued to ask questions about this person's character and integrity until I was so deep in sin, I was actually questioning this individual's salvation! Just who did I think I was? What gave me the right to judge this person that way? My sin was probably a thousand times worse than the sin that was originally committed against me, but I rationalized that it was okay because I was hurting. I went so far as to turn my anger on God and say, "You see? I told you this 'getting close to people' was a stupid idea!" I was really walking on thin ice, but I figured God understood because I was in pain. This is the seductive power of pride. We are so blinded by pain and fear that we don't even see we're in sin. It takes a trusted, caring friend to lovingly point it out to us and make a commitment to come alongside us in the fight to mortify sin. When someone sins against us, we need to remember that person is not the enemy -- sin is the enemy.

Thankfully, God gave me the grace to forgive that person in my heart with no guarantee that we'd ever be reconciled here on earth. He gave me compassion to intercede for this person daily through prayer and to turn my focus on my own sin instead. He gave me peace to realize that He's not finished with me and that other person yet. We cannot allow the sin of pride to gain a foothold, because it can and will divide and ultimately destroy.

So where are you in regards to pride? I highly recommend Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book for further study on this topic. But for the time being, click on the book cover below to view the 41 evidences of pride found on Nancy's website and see how you do:


DeMoss, N. (2002). Brokenness: The heart God revives. Chicago: Moody Publishers.