Reformed SHEology

Every now and then, I come across some blog posts about how irritated some people are with their church. They've absolutely had it with the pastor, the congregation, the new color that was chosen to paint the walls, whatever. The issue has really got them all hot and bothered, and they tell everyone on the World Wide Web how heinous and awful their church is (taking special care to play the victim so that their gossip will be justified). Then they pose this question to their readers: Should I leave this church and go somewhere else? If you are one of those who is wondering whether or not to leave your church, allow me to share a very personal story, which I hope will put your "crisis" into perspective.

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When I was 18 years old, a girl from college shared the gospel with me, and I was born again on the spot. But my new Christian friends told me I needed to be baptized in order to be truly saved. All I needed to do, according to them, was get baptized. Sounds simple enough, right? There was just one problem. I didn't believe for a second that baptism saved me. I considered that to be a work, and the Scriptures tell us that no man is justified by works. Naturally, this caused a great deal of friction in my relationship with my new pals in Christ.

For two months, my new church friends harassed me day and night. They waited outside the steps of my dorm, so I couldn't get in or out without bumping into them. They followed me down the streets, to the point where I had to have campus security escort me to all my classes. Once, when I was window shopping, a loyal disciple of Christ accosted me by getting within inches of my face to tell me I was going to hell. (The only way I could shake him that day was to cause a public disturbance large enough to get mall security to come to my aid.) I was unable to change my phone number, so I had to turn off the ringer. They left horrible messages on my answering machine every day, telling me that I was going to burn in hell because they were the only church on the planet that knew the truth. They also followed me to my job, causing my boss to hide me in a free-standing closet when they demanded to know my whereabouts.

They gave me one last chance to forsake my wicked, sinful belief that baptism is not a requirement for salvation. I refused. And so, they held me against my will for several hours in that apartment.One day they called a truce, and asked me to meet them for lunch. I still remember the address of the four-story apartment where I was served a tuna melt sandwich and greeted with all sorts of awkward, yet obviously rehearsed pleasantries. They gave me one last chance to forsake my wicked, sinful belief that baptism is not a requirement for salvation. I refused. And so, they held me against my will for several hours in that apartment. This was before cell phones, and I couldn't get to a landline. There was only one of me, and about five of them. They locked the doors and told me that the only way they would release me was if I chanted "I am not a Christian, I am not saved, I am going to hell." At first I didn't comply. But after about an hour, I realized that there was no other way out of there. And so I chanted "I am not a Christian, I am not saved, I am going to hell" probably about three or four dozen times before they released me with one last warning that by walking out that door, I was walking out on God Almighty Himself. I don't know how many hours I was there. All I remember is, it was lunchtime when I arrived, and it was dark when I left.
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So that was my introduction to the body of Christ. I don't tell that story very often, but I feel inspired to share it all these years later. I remember feeling absolutely spiritually destitute during that time. Growing up, I was constantly under the weight of existential meaninglessness, hoping that by some miracle there was a purpose to this life, and when I am finally introduced to the most beautiful Person my mind and soul could ever imagine, I am told by His "followers" that I couldn't have any part of Him. It took me months to get my facts straight and rest on the promises of God. I'll admit, there was little comfort in the fact that God allowed that to happen to me in the first place. But some people told me that one day, my story might edify someone. Well perhaps that day is today.

Perhaps you are someone that is in this type of predicament. Let me assure you, God is faithful. He will never abandon or forsake you. You will come out of spiritually abusive situations a bit bruised, but intact. And He promises to make you whole.

But for most of us, situations like this are not the norm. Most of us are just irritated that our leaders are not running things to our liking. Most of us have no idea how good we really have it in our churches. We don't know what real corruption is. We have never experienced real abuses of power. We have never been persecuted by our government. We complain because there's too much emphasis on men's ministry, or there's not enough opportunities for singles, or we don't like the way the hospitality committee is functioning, and so on. We need to remind ourselves that the church is made up of flawed, sinful people. And since we are a sinners ourselves, our presence is only adding to those problems. Instead of complaining about what your church is lacking, consider the fact that perhaps God has brought that to your attention so you can begin the work of building up that area in your local church.

Do I get fed up with my church sometimes? You bet! But I know I have it really good where I am. I know that my leaders, although we don't always see eye-to-eye, always treat me with respect. They do not hold me captive in their homes and force me to chant lies. They do not preach a false gospel. And even if they did, God is in control. His Word has survived throughout the ages. Whatever you are going through, it will pass away -- but His words will never pass away!

So where does your issue fall? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a petty disagreement with your church leaders, and 10 being an all-out abuse of power and defamation of the gospel, how would you honestly rate your situation? Or better yet, how would someone else rate your situation?

Part 4 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Imagine you have just graduated with your MBA and earned yourself a fantastic job on Wall Street. You show up for work on your first day, eager to bring your talents and skills to the company. You are excited at the challenges that lie ahead, and you can't wait to do your part to make this company the best it can be. Things are going great for a few weeks. But then you start to notice there is little freedom in this company. You learn very quickly that you cannot make any intelligent judgment calls on your own; you must first obtain permission. When you are given a project, it comes with a million emails instructing you exactly what to do. One day, you approach your boss with a problem and you need his help. Instead of trying to work with you, your boss proceeds to give you a lecture on what the problem is and how you should solve it. The next morning, you open your calendar and discover that every moment of your day has been prescheduled for you, including your breaks. Frustrated, you think to yourself, "Is this what I went to school for?"

According to an article at Mindtools.com, "Micromanagers risk disempowering their colleagues. They ruin their colleagues' confidence, hurt their performance, and frustrate them to the point where they quit." Nobody likes to be micromanaged at work, so imagine what it feels like to be micromanaged at home. Many men do not realize that in their sincere attempts to exhibit spiritual leadership, they instead micromanage the women in their lives. So what's the difference?

Pointing women to Christ does not mean dictating to them how you feel submission should be done.I am going to go out on a limb and say that leadership has more to do with you than it does her. Leadership is about you being accountable to God. It is not about you making sure the women in your life are accountable to God. Granted, as a man you want to point them to Christ, but this does not mean dictating to women how you feel submission should be done. That is their job, not yours. On Judgment Day, God is not going to ask you if the women in your life submitted to your leadership. He is going to ask you about you.

Ephesians 5:22 instructs women to submit to their husbands. The text then turns to men and instructs them to love their wives. Nowhere in the text are men instructed to ensure that women submit. Men who are overly preoccupied with whether or not women are submitting are not focused on their own duty to lead. As a result, their leadership suffers and they become micromanagers. Here are some examples of what this might look like:

Leadership: Trusting a woman to manage the home as she sees fit while you're at work.
Micromanagement: Leaving a woman a list of chores to do as though she were a child instead of an adult.

Leadership: Empowering your wife to perform sexually by telling her how much you want her.
Micromanagement: Disempowering your wife by telling her how much you want sex. Reminding her that her body is not her own and by refusing, she is being selfish and disobedient to God's word.

Leadership: "Honey, that neckline is a bit low and distracting. Do you think you can choose another blouse?"
Micromanagement: "I've taken the liberty of having your clothes altered so that all your necklines are a minimum of four finger widths above the point where your cleavage begins."

Leadership: Trusting a woman to make a decision without you because she knows you well enough to know what you would and would not approve of.
Micromanagement: Focusing on the fact that she did not ask your permission first, even though the decision was admittedly an excellent one, and requiring her to check in with you from now on for every little thing.

That last example can be very difficult for many men who assume leadership means that decisions are left to them alone. Yet Proverbs 31:16 tells us a different story: "She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard." A Proverbs 31 woman is like that MBA grad on Wall Street: both were "hired" for the job because of their excellent qualifications. A woman is often excited at the prospect of serving her husband. But after a few months of micromanagement, she may question his decision to "hire" her for the job of being his helper, and can even grow to despise the position altogether.

Good leadership has the power to transform many companies into healthy organizations. The same can be said for the home. Are you a spiritual micromanager? Check out this article from Mindtools.com on micromanagement in the workplace. See if you can draw any parallels between the office and your home. If you think you've been micromanaging, ask your wife's forgiveness and ask God to give you the power to resist the temptation to micromanage. God will be more than delighted to complete the work He began in you (Philippians 1:6) and turn you into the great leader He has called you to be.

To be continued . . .

Part 3 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 1 Part 2 Part 4
Someone once said that if you remove Christ from the equation, you have no Christianity. This is because Christianity is not about a bunch of rules. The essence of Christianity is wrapped up in the person of Jesus Christ. You can remove Buddha from Buddhism and still have the basic tenets of Buddhism. You can extract Confucius from Confucianism and still have Confucianism. But remove Christ and Christianity ceases to exist.

Women use personal stories as a way of connecting with others, including men.The same can be said for feminine empiricism. If I may use a broad generalization, men tend to value logic and reason over feelings and personal experience. Women, on the other hand, place a high importance on the subjective. This is not to say we value empiricism over reason, but in some cases, we give the two equal billing. You can talk facts with anybody. Remove a particular person from a factual conversation, and you can still have that conversation. But the only person who can talk subjective experience with you is the person who's had that subjective experience. Women use personal stories as a way of connecting with others, including men. Downplay her personal experience, dismiss it as unimportant, and you've basically erased that woman's reason for existing - whether it be in an isolated conversation, or in the relationship as a whole.

As stated in previous posts, I am writing this series because I believe men truly do not know how certain things they do can crush a woman's spirit. I believe many men honestly have no idea how their dismissal of a woman's desire to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences can literally leave her feeling like she's been erased. To illustrate this, here is a recent example from my own life where I felt a bit trampled on:

DOCTRINE vs. MY DEAD CAT
On Tuesday night, I was talking with "Vinny," a man from my church. We were in a very lighthearted, relaxed conversation. We were exchanging funny stories, and I began to tell Vinny about the time I asked my Home Group leaders for a small favor: I needed a backyard to bury my dead cat and I was wondering if they'd be willing to volunteer theirs. (They said yes, by the way.) I began by telling Vinny that because I live in a condo-style townhouse, I had no yard in which to bury my cat. Even if I did, I didn't own a shovel to dig a grave. As a Christian, burial is symbolically important to me, so I was on a quest to find a way to bury her.

Vinny interrupted me by saying that I could have thrown the cat in the garbage and it would have been all right because animals don't have souls. I acknowledged that Vinny was correct: animals do not have souls. But that wasn't the point. My intention at that moment was to share a funny story, not to discuss the spirituality of animals. I tried to return to my story but Vinny continued to challenge me on the issue. Nevertheless, I never got past the first two sentences of my story and the lightheartedness had been completely drained out of the conversation. The opportunity to connect with Vinny had disappeared. I was now in a full-fledged doctrinal debate with this person, and I am confident that had a few more men dropped in on us, I could have slipped away unnoticed while they discussed the issue amongst themselves.

I finally got Vinny to abandon the debate and we started talking about exercise. Both of us agreed that running was preferable to swimming. We began to list all the reasons why we didn't enjoy swimming as much (water in the ears, you can't work up a good sweat, etc.). I mentioned another reason that was of particular importance to me: I didn't want to get chlorine in my hair. In honor of 1 Corinthians 11, I have chosen to take great care of my hair because it is a symbol that is important to me personally. Vinny immediately began to protest that my decision to take care of my hair is not supported by 1 Corinthians 11. Again, this was not the point. I am not clueless; I know taking care of one's hair is not a prescriptive outlined in 1 Corinthians 11. The point was that this was a glimpse of myself that I was offering this man. Vinny had dismissed another opportunity to connect with me, and opted instead to place the focus on doctrine. For a second time that night, I could have left the conversation, had someone else take my place, and the discussion would have been perfectly intact. I was no longer a necessary element in the equation.

FEMININE REACTIONS TO THIS SITUATION
Men, let me stop here and say that I understand it is never your intention to hurt us in situations like this. If anything, you are trying to serve a woman by correcting what you may perceive to be theological error. We are grateful for that. We are grateful you want to lead us in the right way. We were created to submit to that leadership, and we appreciate so much your desire to protect us from error. And because we respect you so much, we want for you to know us better. If you know what's in our hearts, you will know what our needs are. This, we assume, makes leadership easier for you.

Sadly, many men misunderstand a woman's desire to share her thoughts, feelings, and experiences to be trivial details that are unnecessary to the "big picture." This often results in the woman feeling as though the man thinks she is unnecessary.

Women, we need to be sensitive to the fact that while we may feel comfortable enough with a man to share with him, we do not need to blast him with a tsunami of personal anecdotes.In other cases, the woman is perceived as being self-absorbed if she shares too much. In fact, a man told me just today, "It seems like these past few months, all you've done is turn the conversation around and made it about you!" I was terribly discouraged by this statement. All these months, I felt comfortable enough in my friendship with this person to simply open up and talk about what was on my mind. To think that my attempts at sharing with this brother could be construed as annoying and narcissistic made me feel awful. It made me want to withdraw. It made me feel as though the decision to expose parts of myself to this man, and possibly others like him, is as unwelcome an intrusion as the one described in Proverbs 25:17:

Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house,
Lest he become weary of you and hate you.

In my discouragement, I wondered today, "Is there any hope for men and women to understand one another?" Praise God, we have hope in Christ, who died to bridge the gap not only between us and the Father, but between us and our fellow man. Women, we need to be sensitive to the fact that while we may feel comfortable enough with a man to share with him, we do not need to blast him with a tsunami of personal anecdotes. Chances are if you are good enough friends and you respect one another, he already knows you better than you think.

That being said, I'd like to make a plea to the men out there to allow us to share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with you, even if they appear at first to be doctrinally erroneous. When you find yourself in that situation, remember, we're not so much seeking a scriptural debate. We just want you to listen. When we share, we are (oftentimes) not being self-absorbed, either. On the contrary, we are being quite giving. It is our way of extending an invitation to you to discover what really makes us tick!

Part 1 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Curiosity may have attracted you to this post for the title alone. I acknowledge that it is a title which, on the surface, may appear to disagree with our mission statement. However, in the interest of returning to our original intent for this blog, as outlined in that mission statement, I feel this is an important topic to address. Specifically, I am going to begin a series of posts to address some of the things that men do to upset women and cause them to stumble.

I first discussed this idea with Geraldine well over a year ago. It has been on my heart to address some of these issues because this blog began when a man behaved badly toward me. Part of the repentance process for me was to create this blog in an effort to channel my anger into something positive. I wanted to prevent further conflict between men and women by promoting greater understanding between the sexes. However, when I first came up with the idea for this series, I wasn't confident that I could write from a pure heart. I was still harboring some unforgiveness toward the man whose actions inspired this blog, and I was afraid some of it would come through in my writing.

I decided to hold off until I could write from a pure heart. I know I can not address this subject with a snarky attitude, and let's face it, I have been known to suffer from Snarkolepsy. For me to approach this subject with a bad attitude would undermine the entire purpose of this blog's existence. On the other hand, to continue ignoring the subject would rob this blog of a series of powerful discussions that would propel it toward its very goal of encouraging women to encourage men.

This series is designed not to bash men, but to help men understand where they may be harboring some unholy tendencies which hurt the women around them.The time has come. I am confident that I can approach this topic this year with a clean and pure heart. God has changed me through this blog. He has given me the ability to denounce male-bashing and to embrace masculinity for what it truly is: a blessing to women everywhere. I am truly grateful for the beautiful, godly men that The Lord has placed in my life and there is nothing I desire more than to see men and women working together to bridge the gap between our differences so that we can grow together in Christian unity. Part of this process is to have an open, honest dialogue about sin. This series is designed not to bash men, but to edify them. It is designed to help men understand where they may be harboring some unholy tendencies which hurt the women around them. My desire is to do what I can to help men understand how they can better serve the women in their lives through self-examination and repentance.

For those of you who are new to this blog, I would like to stress that this is the first time ever we will be addressing male shortcomings. We do not make it our practice to focus on male flaws. Since this blog's inception, we have only focused on female shortcomings. This is because our primary goal is to encourage women to be better women. We have not addressed male shortcomings because the Bible tells us to take the log out of our own eyes so we can see clearly before attempting to remove a speck in someone else's. That being said, I want to make it clear that this blog is devoted to removing the logs from the eyes of women. In contrast, this series is devoted to removing the specks in the eyes of men.

This introductory post will be the only one that is filed under "Men/Masculinity." All subsequent posts in this series will be located under the "Conflict" label. Again, this is to keep this discussion in its proper context. "Men Behaving Badly" is not an appropriate discussion for the celebration of the beautiful mystery that is masculinity. We want to communicate that "Men Behaving Badly" is the exception rather than the rule. Male shortcomings do not define masculinity, rather, male shortcomings define conflict (as do female shortcomings).

It is my prayer that whether you are a man or a woman, that you will be blessed by some of the discussion to follow in the next few weeks or so. Men, I would ask that you read with an open heart to see if perhaps you see yourselves in any of the descriptions, and to ask The Lord to change you in those areas. Women, I ask that you pray for the men in your lives who may be weak in these areas, that you would be patient with their sanctification process, and that you will be forgiving toward them when they stumble. Let us not accuse one another any longer. Let us instead love one another, for the Bible tells us that the world will know we belong to Him if we love one another.

There are times when TV and theatrical productions can illustrate great truths about sin better than words alone could explain. Take a look at the following clip from the 1977 made-for-TV miniseries, Roots, which features two separate scenes that convey the same message: we cannot judge people by the way they look:



In the first segment, Bud's father Tom has been whipped by the KKK after bringing evidence of their guilt to the Sheriff. Bud tells Martha "I'm going to kill those white men someday," and she tells him, "Hate 'em for what they done, but not because they's white." (And in case you're wondering, that is indeed a very young and adorable Todd Bridges playing the role of Bud.)

In the second segment, we see Chicken George reunited with his wife Matilda after a long separation. As they settle in for the night, Tilda says to her husband, "Good thing you come home after dark, George, cuz I's so old and ugly I might scare you to death." Her husband looks at her tenderly and says, "I don't see you with my eyes, honey. I sees you with my heart."

The great thing about these scenes is that the first segment tells us what our response to sin should be: love, not hate. The second tells us how we muster up the faith to respond that way: we see 'em with our hearts. "That's sweet," you say, "But thankfully I don't hate people because they're black, white, or elderly. So this doesn't apply to me." Are you sure about that?

How many times have you said or thought the following (or something like it):

"Men are pigs."
"Men only want one thing."
"Men think with their 'other' head."
"He's a man. Don't expect much."
"Men are stupid."
"Men are inept and can't do anything without a woman's help."
"Men are all the same."
"All of the good ones are married or gay."
"What are you talking about? There are no good men, period."
"I hate men. I hate 'em!"

I once hated men. I figured they were all the same. I remain single because throughout my 20's and early 30's I would not consider the slightest possibility that marriage was worth the price I'd have to pay to submit to "sexual slavery." I hated men because I thought they were all sexist. What a hypocrite I was. The pot doesn't get more prejudiced against the kettle than that!

The world is full of beautiful, godly men. All you need to do is open your heart and look around!The man who inspired this very blog hurt me, defrauded me, and treated me as though I was a "game" to be played instead of a sister in Christ. To make matters worse, he never repented when confronted with his sin. I hate what he did. I hate when any man behaves this way. But I don't hate men for being men. Some of you reading this have gone through much worse than my experience being defrauded in a romantic situation. Some of you have been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by men. Some of you are children of absent fathers. Some of you are ex-wives of unfaithful husbands. What these men did is irresponsible, hurtful, and sinful. We hate what they've done. But we cannot hate men because they're men. We cannot hate them at all.

As Martha tells Bud, hating whites for being white makes him no different from the men who whipped his Daddy. Does hating men for being men make us any better than the men who took advantage of us for being women? Does it make us feel any better for hating them? Women's Liberation certainly deserves some credit for establishing equal rights for women, but did it end the distrust we have for men? Listen, no Civil Rights movement, no Women's Lib, no Sexual Revolution, or any other political or social cause is going to change what we see with our eyes. If we insist on seeing only the hurt and abuse and injustices that have been done to women throughout the ages, we will never see an end to hatred.

If there are men in your life that you are disrespecting, simply because they are men, I urge you to "see 'em with your heart." Too many of us have our vision obstructed by past hurts to notice, but the world is full of beautiful, godly men. All you need to do is open your heart and look around!

Ten years ago, I witnessed my friend "Lila" go through the painful ordeal of ending her twelve-year friendship with "Karen." One afternoon, Karen erupted into a fit of irrational anger without warning and callously used Lila as a verbal punching-bag. Karen showed no restraint in unleashing all her unrelated frustrations upon Lila, and even went as far as to call her a "fat pig". Lila was an innocent bystander in the situation, and was very sensitive about her weight. Needless to say, she was crushed.

Lila tried her best to resolve the situation with Karen. The first thing she did was ask my opinion as to whether or not she had done anything that would render her responsible for what happened. (I assured her she had not.) She then poured her heart out to Karen in a letter, which she gave to me to proofread before sending. It was perhaps the most beautiful, loving, grace-filled letter I had ever read. I suddenly began to weep as I realized what a wonderful friend I had in Lila, knowing if I ever found myself in Karen's shoes, this was the kind of undeserved grace I could expect from her. Lila emailed the letter to Karen and we eagerly awaited a response.

To our chagrin, Karen did not show any remorse for her hurful behavior, nor did she seem touched at all by the grace and forgiveness being offered her. Instead, she justified her anger and placed blame for her actions upon Lila. Again, Lila pleaded with Karen to look inside her heart and consider how hurtful she was being, but Karen would not. Over the next six months, Karen sent Lila a series of cutesy little email "forwards" and internet jokes. But there was no apology. Then one day, Lila received the following email: "Dear Lila. Now that time has passed I truly hope we can move beyond this and be friends again."

As difficult as it was for her to do, Lila ended the friendship.

DOES TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS?
Most people are familiar with the old adage, "Time heals all wounds." It's a nice thought, but quite untrue, and quite unbiblical as well. Yet it is interesting how much we will buy into the passage of time as the magic ingredient for making the impossible a reality. Consider how the passage of time is used in the theory of evolution: without it, most would agree that the claims of evolution are laughable. Think about it. The thought of an amoeba becoming a human being in ten seconds is ludicrous. But add millions and millions of years, and suddenly people are embracing the very same ridiculous scenario. What is it about the passage of time that leads us to believe that real changes will occur if we only wait long enough?

What is it about the passage of time that leads us to believe that real changes will occur if we only wait long enough?In the case of interpersonal relationships, time is no more effective at changing a heart than it is turning an amoeba into a human being. Only faith in Jesus Christ and repentance from sin is an effective means of real and lasting change. Once we understand this, we will be able to make tough, but biblical decisions to break fellowship with unrepentant individuals. This is difficult for all Christians, but I believe it is especially hard for women. Our emotional ties to certain people can cause us to blur the line between forgiveness and reconciliation. We are required to forgive, and forgiveness takes just one individual. But reconciliation requires the efforts of both parties. Forgiveness is required on behalf of the offended, and repentance is required on behalf of the offender. If the offender is not willing to repent, reconciliation cannot take place. The Bible commands us to separate from those who are unwilling to repent, and we are not to embrace these relationships again unless the offender repents -- regardless of how much time has passed. In the case of Lila and Karen, it has been ten years, and the only reason these two have not reconciled is because Karen has been unwilling to humble herself and admit that she sinned against Lila.

BUT AREN'T YOU MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING?
The case of Lila and Karen certainly seems like a petty issue, doesn't it? If Lila was unwilling to forgive Karen, then yes, I would say she was being petty. But there was a lot more at stake. What Lila was actually up against was a weak character on Karen's behalf. Trust me -- I was there, and I watched as Lila wept and grieved over the loss of this friendship. But what were her choices? If Lila had agreed to reconcile without Karen's repentance, she would have re-entered a friendship that was not built on trust or mutual respect. She would have reinforced Karen's false idea that she did not have to take responsibility for her sin. And for the remainder of that friendship, Lila would have been forced to peacefully co-exist with Karen on a superficial level, never seeing the friendship progress beyond the occasional polite exchange between two acquaintances. Should we be satisfied to simply settle for this type of relationship? Is this the type of relationship that Christ died for us to have with one another?

THE GOSPEL IS FOR EVERYONE!
If you've ever been street witnessing, surely you are familiar with the excuses people give to justify their sin. A common justification is, "Yes, I've lied, I've stolen, I've done bad things, but God will forgive me because that was a long time ago." Popular street-witnessing methods such as Way of the Master will illustrate to the unbeliever that time is irrelevant. God is holy and just, and will bring all our deeds into the light - no matter how long ago these acts were committed. Friends, if the gospel is true for unbelievers, then the gospel is true for us too. How is it that we can tell an unbeliever they will be judged by God for every sin no matter how long ago it was committed, but when we are confronted on our own sin, we become irritated? Why is it that when a brother or sister in Christ is able to approach us in love after fully forgiving us our debts, we get cranky and accuse them of "holding a grudge" because what happened was so long ago?

Friends, this should not be. The gospel is for everyone -- saved and unsaved alike. If we are in a relationship with someone who perpetually sins against us, the Bible calls us to confront that person on her sin. If she repents, praise God! But if she doesn't, you have a responsibility to break fellowship with that person until she does. Likewise, if a brother or sister in Christ approaches us with a concern, it is inappropriate and completely irrelevant to argue how long ago the incident took place. Humility dictates that we receive correction without complaining or trying to defend our position. The only way that we can heal from past hurts, whether we were the cause of the pain or the recipient of it, is to exercise true forgiveness and repentance.

Anything else is a waste of time.

Last night I had the privilege of being on the Reformed Think Tank, a new BlogTalk Radio Show from the Two Reformed Brothers Network. The topic was "Evangelistic Balance in Church and Conflict." In a nutshell, I wanted to share with others how God had used my experiences in street evangelism to help me manage conflict with other Christians in the Church. For those of you who missed the show, it is still available by clicking here. We mentioned some recommended reading on the air, so I wanted to post those recommended titles, along with some other resources, below for your reference:

The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande
The Gospel for Real Life, by Jerry Bridges
Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, by Paul Tripp and Tim Lane

Discover the Word Series on Rebuke: (Audios approx. 12 minutes each.)
Discover the Word Part I
Discover the Word Part II
Discover the Word Part III

Overall, I think the show went well. I didn't think I'd have too much to share, but the show turned out to be two hours long, and the after show was an additional hour. I am surprised that even the following day I am thinking of some points I forgot to make! I was especially blessed to have Loretta and Steve call in and share their hearts with us. And I think the funniest point during the show for me was (90:30 - 92:00) when Paul Kaiser cautioned Officer Dan and Chosen Clay to behave themselves because there was "a lady" on the phone. I thought Paul meant that a woman caller was on the line. I didn't realize he was talking about me!

If anyone has any additional questions about this topic, please feel free to contact us. We'd love to hear from you!

Are you familiar with Proverbs 4:23? This verse is most often quoted from the KJV, and reads as follows: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." It is probably one of the most misused verses in the Bible.

Now you might be wondering, how is this verse misused? Well, let's consider that there are two reasons to "guard" something. We will either guard something in order to protect that object from others. But we will also guard something in order to protect others from that object. Which do you think is a more Biblical perspective on guarding the heart? Let me give you two illustrations.

#1: Imagine you are in a museum. You notice an exhibit that features a beautiful sculpture. It is very old and appears very fragile. Other exhibits are openly displayed, but this particular sculpture is so fragile it is encased in glass. Furthermore, the area surrounding the glass is roped off so that no one can even attempt to tap on the glass.

#2: Now imagine you are at the zoo. You notice an exhibit that features some ferocious tigers. The tigers are chained so that they cannot get too close to the bars of the cage. Furthermore, the area surrounding the cage is blocked off so that no one can get closer than six feet from the cage.

Most people interpret Proverbs 4:23 in terms of Scenario #1. The idea is to guard one's heart so that you can avoid having to suffer a broken one. Not only is this a misapplication of the scripture by taking it out of context, it is also completely antithetical to Biblical Christianity. We are not to protect ourselves by building walls around our hearts. We are called to love others, and that involves giving our hearts and lives away. Yet most people quote Proverbs 4:23 keeping in mind Scenario #1, which portrays the heart as being fragile, delicate, and easily broken. Like the sculpture in the museum, it must be protected at all costs from the outside influences that can pollute its "purity."

But the Bible describes the human heart differently. The Bible portrays the human heart as being very dangerous. The Bible says the heart as the most deceitful thing there is (Jeremiah 17:9). It is "desperately wicked" (NKJV) if not downright "sick" (NASB). We must guard our hearts, not because they are fragile, but because they have the power to destroy others. Jesus said "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders" (Matthew 15:19). No wonder we are advised in Proverbs 4:23 to keep it under close watch!


The context of Proverbs 4 shows that we must constantly feed the heart a diet of wisdom or it will turn into a monster. Psalm 119:11 states, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee," (KJV). The Word of God is the muzzle that silences the rabid pitbull inside each of us. If we want to protect others, we need to keep our hearts on the leash of God's Word so that no one gets hurt.

Bridges (2001) looks at this verse from the opposite angle. The heart does need to be protected, not from people, but from sin. In any case, the conclusion is the same: "If we do not know our weak points, Satan is well aware of them . . . the question arises, can I guard my own heart? Certainly not. This is God's work, although it is carried out through the agency of man. Resist the evil world, even in its most plausible forms. This will be a confict until the end of our lives," (p. 39). We are not to guard our hearts from getting "hurt." Rather, we are to guard our hearts so they do not run after the things of this world and in turn cause us to sin against others, God included. MacArthur (1997) writes: "The heart is the depository of all wisdom and the source of whatever affects speech (v. 24), sight (v. 25), and conduct (vv. 26, 27)" (p. 882).

This is especially important in relationships between men and women. We have the absolute power to destroy one another if we do not guard our hearts. It reminds me of two friends of mine, whom I'll call Gina and Steve. Steve began to pursue Gina very aggressively. But Gina was not sure if she was interested. So in an effort to guard her heart (and not defraud Steve), she told Steve she wasn't going to return the sentiments unless she knew she really liked him, and not just the attention he was giving her. She knew Steve had been betrayed badly in a past relationship and she wanted to protect him from her own wickedness. Gina held Steve at bay for a while so she could pray and fast over the situation. Only when she was absolutely sure she could return Steve's feelings honestly did she begin to verbally express her attraction for him.

But as soon as Gina became interested, Steve cooled off. He had said things to make her feel as though he really liked her, but once she returned the feelings, he stopped talking to her. When Gina confronted Steve about his behavior, he responded, "Gina, I'm sorry if I mislead you. I guess I just liked the pursuit. I hope in the future you guard your heart more."

Even though Steve had misused the verse, it turned out to be good advice, because Gina wanted to lash out at him. Not only did she feel cheated and deceived, she now had to bear the burden of fear: how can she ever trust the next man who tells her "God put you on my heart?" Words were exchanged and an argument ensued. Steve became very agitated. As Gina sensed his anger escalating, she remembered something she had read: "Anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected . . . if he's angry at something you've said or done . . . there is a good chance he is feeling the pain or humiliation of your disrespect" (Feldhahn, 2004, p.25). Immediately, Gina yanked the choke chain on her heart and began to apologize to Steve. Yes, he had hurt her. But she knew the only way to stop the cycle of sin was to take control of her own actions and guard her sick, desperately wicked heart before it took another bite out of Steve. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." As soon as Gina began to protect Steve from her own wickedness, he did not feel so attacked. As a result, he was able to check himself and guard his heart too.

Perhaps the worst thing about misusing Proverbs 4:23 is that it promotes selfishness. When we are constantly "guarding our hearts" in the sense that most people interpret it, we are focusing on ourselves. When we become preoccupied with "looking out for number one," we have no energy left to serve others. But when we guard our hearts as the Bible really instructs us to do, we take the focus off ourselves and are free to look out for the well-being of others.

The Bible asks, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" (James 4:1). Our sinful desires are what fuel the heart. This is what we need to guard others from. Gina desired to be right and have the last word. Steve desired to be released from any personal responsibility in the matter. When we are in these types of situations, we may not feel that we are deliberately in sin, but because our hearts are sick, depraved, and desperately wicked, they need to be restrained and muzzled before they do some real damage.

The next time someone advises you to "guard your heart," implying that you need to protect yourself, remember that the Bible teaches you do need to "guard your heart," but in an effort to protect others from you.


Bridges, C. (2001). Proverbs. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.

Feldhahn, S. (2004). For women only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men. Atlanta, GA: Multnomah.

MacArthur, J. (1997). The MacArthur study bible. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

The most incredible thing happened to me this week. This Tuesday I had a conflict with someone who never wants to speak to me ever again. And in spite of everything, I cannot wipe the silly grin off my face. I made a huge mess of things, and it was worth every minute of it! Sound weird? Let me explain.

Three years ago, God gave me an assignment: I was to work on mortifying my pride and to open myself up to people. I did not like the idea one bit. I followed Him, kicking and screaming of course, but I obeyed nonetheless. And over time, He gave me the grace to develop friendships with people whose company brings me such joy.

But even in the best situations conflict is inevitable. Last year, this particular friend had made a decision I did not agree with and in the process of carrying out the decision, he sinned against me. I remained silent for his sake, but stewed in my anger toward him for months, all the while knowing my sin was absolutely disgusting. I thought, “If this person could see me now, he’d want nothing to do with me!” But I would not repent.


Then I began to read Tim Lane’s and Paul Tripp’s book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, and God’s voice broke through. After several months of stubbornness, God gave me the grace to repent. This Tuesday, I finally confronted my friend. I told him how much pain his sin had caused me, but I also confessed my reaction to his sin, which, in my opinion was far more revolting than what he did to me. And do you know what my friend said to me? He said, “We’re done. I wish to cease all communication with you.” And that was it. Game over. If I could play a dying Pac-Man sound for you, I would.

I realize this is not your average book review, but I want to illustrate just how applicable the concepts outlined by Lane and Tripp (2006) are to this unfortunate situation between me and my friend.

First, Lane and Tripp (2006) define a relationship as follows: "What is a relationship? The intersection of the stories of two people. The problem is that an awful lot of carnage takes place at this intersection" (p. 62). This truth is what often makes us wonder if it's really worth it to even bother with other people to begin with. Many of us may be thinking, "What's the point in getting close to anyone? They're just going to sin against you and betray you in the end, right? Even Christians will stab you in the back!" Indeed, Christians will hurt us. My friend hurt me very badly last year. And I hurt my friend badly on Tuesday when I tried to tell him. Not only did I take all the pain I felt he caused me and dump it onto him, I did it through the filter of my sinful words. There were definitely some things I could have said better. His solution? Let's never speak again. I must admit, it sounds like a great way to avoid any future pain and drama, right? But is cutting ourselves off from others really the solution to our relationship problems?

Lane and Tripp (2006) explain why we not only should bother with these messy relationships, but why we need to:

Conflict with others is one of God's mysterious, counterintuitive ways of rescuing us from ourselves . . . The closer you are to someone, the more potential there is for conflict. Relationships are costly, but so is avoiding them. If you choose to avoid them, you will minimize the conflict in your life, but that safety has liabilities of its own. If you choose to face conflit head on, it is full of risks and the potential for great hurt, but it can also be redemptive. (pp. 78-79)

God uses the relational conflicts in our lives to reveal to us the sin patterns lying dormant within us that keep us from becoming conformed to his image. A conflict, according to Lane and Tripp (2006) is a unique opportunity for sanctification because it provides us with a practical means to imitate our Lord: "When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity," (p.93). When we look at our relational conflicts this way, they almost seem to make sense, whether we be the hurting victim or the forgiven offender.

In spite of the fact that I am grieving the loss of a friend this week, I can be at peace because God has given me the power to shift my focus from people to the cross. Amazing! Two years ago, I would have been devastated by this. My pride would have been hurt to know that someone "hates me" because I messed up. But now I realize that true freedom is the ability to love others unconditioally, and allow others to love me unconditionally in return. It is exhausting to constantly hold a debt over someone's head. It is also exhausting to avoid conflict, never confronting someone about their sin or confessing your own, always feeling as though you have to tiptoe around people because bringing it to their attention might upset them. True freedom is the ability to admit sin openly because I know there are those in my life who still love me in spite of my sin. What a relief not to carry that burden anymore! What a relief to just be myself and know I am still loved and forgiven!

Ironically, I had shared these ideas with this very same friend in an email only two months ago. In this email I described the change that God has brought about in me. I basically summed up in my own words the valuable lessons I learned after reading Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. The following is an excerpt from that email:

Praise God, He has broken me of my pride. I am a sinner, and I will shout it from the rooftops. When I get married, I am not going to run myself ragged trying to be a stepford wife. I am going to let all that sin hang loose and say, "That's right, you married an angry woman. You married a prideful woman. You married a self-righteous, gossiping, slandering, idolatrous, merciless, lover of self!" And it will be a struggle. And he will see the ugly. There will be no facade -- he will not be able to praise me and say, "Many women have done excellently, but you have excelled them all" without first acknowledging the power of Christ in my life. Because apart from Christ, I can do nothing.

Underneath these robes of righteousness that do not belong to me is a hideous creature. I am positively revolting. But the glory story lies in the fact that Christ died to reconcile us to Him and to each other . One of the most profound things I read in the relationships book last week is that if we give our relationships over to God, they will grow in maturity. Even your best relationship that you have right now is a minefield of sin. It's how two people react toward each other's sin and encourage each other toward sanctification that strengthens that bond -- together, they are fighting the power of sin and glorifying God. I see now that opening myself up to my friends, my mentor, and my pastor is a chance for me to defeat sin, instead of letting it get the best of me.

The outcome of Tuesday's conflict was actually quite fortunate in that I discovered I have reason to rejoice in all that God has done in my heart. This week I have received numerous emails and phone calls from friends and loved ones who came alongside me to celebrate my progress. Here are a few examples of the congratulations I’ve received:

KEEP LOOKING UP – for our Father is pleased to give you the Kingdom – and He is pleased with your life! Love you my friend and am praying for you!

I can’t believe you are the same girl I met three years ago! I can’t believe you are the same person who wouldn’t let anyone in church get to know you. I can’t believe you are the same girl who didn’t even want people saying hello to you. Wow!! Praise God!! Jen I am so happy for you!

What a testimony to the power of God in your life! Praise God, what an incredible change in you!

Wow Jen, this sounds just like how you and I got our start! Remember? I offended you right from the beginning and you told me to just stay out of your life and that you were not interested in a friendship with me whatsoever! And look at us now! (I am humbled and embarrassed to admit the truth of this comment – I actually rejected this person at first, but she has since become a trusted advisor to me.)
What courage and obedience! You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for sharing what God has done in your life. What an awesome God we serve!
Wow, I can hear you smiling through the phone!

This is so exciting! You must feel totally awesome right now!

Only in God’s Kingdom can such a thing be possible! And it doesn’t end there. I am praying that God will grant my friend the same gift to see that relationships really are a mess worth making!

"The Bible assumes that relationships this side of eternity will be messy and require a lot of work," (Lane & Tripp, 2006, p. 30). This week I made a huge mess of things, and it was worth every minute of it. You know, it's interesting: one of the final things my friend said to me was, “I forgive you, but I don’t have time to deal with this stuff.” Years ago, I would have agreed with this perspective 100%. But today, I realize this “stuff” is the Christian life. We have no choice but to deal with this "stuff." This "stuff" is what Christ died for. This "stuff" is what the Kingdom of heaven is built upon! We are horrible sinners, and we treat each other so badly. But the power Christ gives us to overcome makes it completely worth it in the end. We are not meant to live the Christian life alone. We are not meant to run for cover when sin rears its ugly head. We are expected to stand up and face this "stuff" head on!

If you have a friend whom you are afraid to confront about their sin, or if you have unconfessed sin toward another and you are terrified of what a mess it may create in your relationship, do yourself a favor and make that mess anyway. To do anything else is to negate the power of Christ in your relationships and in your life.

Lane, T., & Tripp, P. (2006). Relationships: A mess worth making. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press.

In spite of the many men out there who have blamed Eve throughout the ages for the fall of creation, there is sufficient biblical evidence to support the argument that it was actually Adam who “started it:”

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die." The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:15-18).

Thus, God made Adam completely responsible for keeping that tree off limits. Eve had not even been created yet. She was ignorant of any such directive. And make no mistake – Satan approached Eve on purpose. The devil hates God’s design, so he deliberately perverted it by putting Eve in charge, forcing Adam into submission. And Adam allowed it to happen:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.(Genesis 3:6).


The Bible clearly states that Adam was with Eve when she ate the fruit. As leader, he stood there and watched as the serpent deceived his bride. As protector, he did not intervene and try to stop her when she put herself in harm's way. He knew God said eating that fruit would kill her. Yet he did nothing as she took a bite and swallowed the poison. Then he ate for himself.

The scriptures further note that God later came walking in the garden looking for Adam, because it was Adam who was originally accountable. Adam's response? Blame Eve. (Genesis 3:9-12).

Gut check: how are you feeling right now? Justified? Vindicated? How about . . . self-righteous? If you chose C, you are correct! As women, we often like to blame men for our behavior: "See? It's his fault! If only he would lead, I wouldn't have to take control," or, "If he was a more responsible protector/provider, I would happily submit." While it is true that Adam sinned, God still dealt with Eve separately. He still held her accountable for her actions, and He will do the same with each and every one of us.

Feminism is a direct reaction to both real and perceived injustices done to women on behalf of men, whether directly or indirectly. Though this implies that “he started it,” the question of whom is primarily responsible for the breakdown of God’s design for the sexes is irrelevant. Feminism is a sinful reaction to sin. Though it may appear as though female rebellion is justified, it is not. Sin is never justified. Two wrongs do not make a right. You will not be able to rationalize your behavior and say to God “he started it," or, "he made me do it” because the Bible is clear that we are tempted by our own evil desires and carried away by our own lusts (James 1:14). Who is to blame for our sin? We are. No one can make us sin.

The story of Adam’s unfaithfulness does not prove anything other than the fact that both men and women are equally depraved. If you are blaming men for your contentious and argumentative behavior, you need to ask God’s forgiveness and repent. Women may not be the spiritual leaders, but they can still initiate reconciliation with the men in their lives by submitting to their leadership. Consider the Genesis story as you meditate on 1 Timothy 2:8-15 and ask yourself what is more important: getting your way, or doing your part to restore what God originally intended?