Reformed SHEology

Ten years ago, I witnessed my friend "Lila" go through the painful ordeal of ending her twelve-year friendship with "Karen." One afternoon, Karen erupted into a fit of irrational anger without warning and callously used Lila as a verbal punching-bag. Karen showed no restraint in unleashing all her unrelated frustrations upon Lila, and even went as far as to call her a "fat pig". Lila was an innocent bystander in the situation, and was very sensitive about her weight. Needless to say, she was crushed.

Lila tried her best to resolve the situation with Karen. The first thing she did was ask my opinion as to whether or not she had done anything that would render her responsible for what happened. (I assured her she had not.) She then poured her heart out to Karen in a letter, which she gave to me to proofread before sending. It was perhaps the most beautiful, loving, grace-filled letter I had ever read. I suddenly began to weep as I realized what a wonderful friend I had in Lila, knowing if I ever found myself in Karen's shoes, this was the kind of undeserved grace I could expect from her. Lila emailed the letter to Karen and we eagerly awaited a response.

To our chagrin, Karen did not show any remorse for her hurful behavior, nor did she seem touched at all by the grace and forgiveness being offered her. Instead, she justified her anger and placed blame for her actions upon Lila. Again, Lila pleaded with Karen to look inside her heart and consider how hurtful she was being, but Karen would not. Over the next six months, Karen sent Lila a series of cutesy little email "forwards" and internet jokes. But there was no apology. Then one day, Lila received the following email: "Dear Lila. Now that time has passed I truly hope we can move beyond this and be friends again."

As difficult as it was for her to do, Lila ended the friendship.

DOES TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS?
Most people are familiar with the old adage, "Time heals all wounds." It's a nice thought, but quite untrue, and quite unbiblical as well. Yet it is interesting how much we will buy into the passage of time as the magic ingredient for making the impossible a reality. Consider how the passage of time is used in the theory of evolution: without it, most would agree that the claims of evolution are laughable. Think about it. The thought of an amoeba becoming a human being in ten seconds is ludicrous. But add millions and millions of years, and suddenly people are embracing the very same ridiculous scenario. What is it about the passage of time that leads us to believe that real changes will occur if we only wait long enough?

What is it about the passage of time that leads us to believe that real changes will occur if we only wait long enough?In the case of interpersonal relationships, time is no more effective at changing a heart than it is turning an amoeba into a human being. Only faith in Jesus Christ and repentance from sin is an effective means of real and lasting change. Once we understand this, we will be able to make tough, but biblical decisions to break fellowship with unrepentant individuals. This is difficult for all Christians, but I believe it is especially hard for women. Our emotional ties to certain people can cause us to blur the line between forgiveness and reconciliation. We are required to forgive, and forgiveness takes just one individual. But reconciliation requires the efforts of both parties. Forgiveness is required on behalf of the offended, and repentance is required on behalf of the offender. If the offender is not willing to repent, reconciliation cannot take place. The Bible commands us to separate from those who are unwilling to repent, and we are not to embrace these relationships again unless the offender repents -- regardless of how much time has passed. In the case of Lila and Karen, it has been ten years, and the only reason these two have not reconciled is because Karen has been unwilling to humble herself and admit that she sinned against Lila.

BUT AREN'T YOU MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING?
The case of Lila and Karen certainly seems like a petty issue, doesn't it? If Lila was unwilling to forgive Karen, then yes, I would say she was being petty. But there was a lot more at stake. What Lila was actually up against was a weak character on Karen's behalf. Trust me -- I was there, and I watched as Lila wept and grieved over the loss of this friendship. But what were her choices? If Lila had agreed to reconcile without Karen's repentance, she would have re-entered a friendship that was not built on trust or mutual respect. She would have reinforced Karen's false idea that she did not have to take responsibility for her sin. And for the remainder of that friendship, Lila would have been forced to peacefully co-exist with Karen on a superficial level, never seeing the friendship progress beyond the occasional polite exchange between two acquaintances. Should we be satisfied to simply settle for this type of relationship? Is this the type of relationship that Christ died for us to have with one another?

THE GOSPEL IS FOR EVERYONE!
If you've ever been street witnessing, surely you are familiar with the excuses people give to justify their sin. A common justification is, "Yes, I've lied, I've stolen, I've done bad things, but God will forgive me because that was a long time ago." Popular street-witnessing methods such as Way of the Master will illustrate to the unbeliever that time is irrelevant. God is holy and just, and will bring all our deeds into the light - no matter how long ago these acts were committed. Friends, if the gospel is true for unbelievers, then the gospel is true for us too. How is it that we can tell an unbeliever they will be judged by God for every sin no matter how long ago it was committed, but when we are confronted on our own sin, we become irritated? Why is it that when a brother or sister in Christ is able to approach us in love after fully forgiving us our debts, we get cranky and accuse them of "holding a grudge" because what happened was so long ago?

Friends, this should not be. The gospel is for everyone -- saved and unsaved alike. If we are in a relationship with someone who perpetually sins against us, the Bible calls us to confront that person on her sin. If she repents, praise God! But if she doesn't, you have a responsibility to break fellowship with that person until she does. Likewise, if a brother or sister in Christ approaches us with a concern, it is inappropriate and completely irrelevant to argue how long ago the incident took place. Humility dictates that we receive correction without complaining or trying to defend our position. The only way that we can heal from past hurts, whether we were the cause of the pain or the recipient of it, is to exercise true forgiveness and repentance.

Anything else is a waste of time.

Over the past year or so, I have found myself in several discussions where the question will be posed, "What is forgiveness?" The individual who initially raised the question will then proceed to demonstrate that forgiveness is not required of a Christian until repentance occurs first. The reasoning goes like this: The Bible says we are to extend forgiveness to others, just as God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). This naturally inspires a follow-up question, How has God forgiven us? The response is, He forgives us when we repent. Of course, we should always be ready and willing to forgive, but we do not actually extend forgiveness until the other party repents. We don't hold a grudge against that person, but that is not the same thing as forgiveness. Only when true repentance takes place can true forgiveness really happen.

If you have ever been exposed to this definition of forgiveness, please know that this is not biblical.

First, the reasoning of "how has God forgiven me?" has already presented itself as flawed the moment we attempt to answer the question with "when". When and how address two completely separate issues. When addresses the issue of timing -- the sequencing or the order in which a thing occurs. How addresses the means by which an action is accomplished. To answer "How does God forgive me?" with, "When I repent" is to evade the real question being asked. Even if this were an appropriate response, it would still be incorrect from a reformed perspective. According to reformed theology, we do not initiate anything. God forgave us first. He did not wait for us to repent. The Bible says Christ died for us while we were yet his enemies (Romans 5:8). We respond as a result of irresistible grace. So in response to the question of when does God forgive, it's not when I repent. It has already happened before I've even realized that I sinned.

So on to the real question: How does God forgive? Let's look at the verse that sparked the question in the first place:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:23).

According to the context, we are clearly told how God forgives: with kindness and tenderheartedness. This is how we forgive someone. We love them. We are not angry, or judgmental, or rude (see 1 Corinthians 13). The context of this passage tells us we are to forgive in a loving manner. There are no exceptions.

But what about those scriptures that seem to say that we are not to forgive unless someone first repents? For instance:

If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, (Luke 17:3).

It certainly does appear that we are only to forgive on the condition that the other person repents first. But remember, the chapters and verses are not inspired. They are not Scripture. Only the words are inspired. In order to understand what the Lord is saying, you must read His complete thought:

If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him. (Luke 17:3-4).

Now we all know that someone who is going to repeat a sin seven times in one day and just arbitrarily says, "I repent" is not very repentant at all! But what Jesus is saying here is, "Whether the person is repentant or not, you have two choices: forgive, or forgive." It's not so much a conditional as it is a command. Forgiveness is not optional.

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness means you relieve the other person of a debt -- they no longer owe you anything to compensate you for the damage they did. You do not become angry with the sinner any more. You do not continually play the scene over and over in your head. You do not hold it against the person. We are to forgive as God forgives: completely. The Bible says, "as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." We are to remove that sin from our memory as well. This can be very difficult when the person continues to sin against us. This is one of the reasons I believe we are told to avoid people who do not repent. Their repetitive sinful actions against us will eventually wear us down and drain us of our love for them. It is markedly more difficult to forgive a person when the wound is fresh. By separating from a person who will not repent, we are protecting that person from sinning against us further. We are also protecting that person from our own anger and unforgiveness.

This is especially applicable when the offender has committed an unusually heinous sin. The final objection to forgiveness is presented along these lines. For example, what if the person sexually abused you as a child? What if they never said they were sorry? What does God expect of you in a case like this?

Well, here are your choices, according to the Bible: 1) Forgive that person; or 2) Forgive that person. The severity of the sin does not matter. You are commanded to forgive. Situations like this make it very, very tempting to justify unforgiveness by manipulating the Scriptures so that they read the way we want them to read: "If he repents, then forgive him." We may even say, "How can God expect me to forgive this person when his sin is so great?" There is nothing people have done to you that you haven't done to God one hundred times worse.

Let's put this into perspective. Whatever that person did to you, they sinned against another sinner. But you sinned against a Holy God. Which sin is worse? If I step on a bug, it will go completely unnoticed. If I kill a dog, I may have some explaining to do. If I kill a homeless man, I'll probably be prosecuted for it. If I kill the President of the United States, I'll get locked up for a long time. Reader, you killed Jesus Christ. What do you think He'll say when you look Him in the eye one day and tell Him you couldn't forgive that other person because they _________ (fill in the blank)?

There is nothing people have done to you that you haven't done to God one hundred times worse. God forgave you. So you should forgive your brother, just as God forgave you.

Is there someone in your life that you have not forgiven? Consider your choices as outlined in Luke 17:3-4. You can forgive, or you can forgive. You have no other options. If you haven't forgiven someone, remember, unforgiveness is a sin in itself. You may have some repenting of your own to do.

Most of my regular readers know that this blog is an expression of repentance, and some also remember me saying that this site was birthed after a very important event took place in my life one year ago. It was at this time last year, I embraced the very serious sin of anger.

My anger was an unholy reaction against another's sin. For seven months, I marinated in my anger. I was angry with a brother in Christ. But moreso, I was angry with God. Each day was like another brick that I placed in the wall I had built between myself and God. I wanted to repent. I tried to repent. But I simply couldn't do it. I cried out to God, every day, begging Him to take the anger away because I was powerless to do it on my own. But every day, God was silent. Then one day, God reached down, embraced my broken spirit, and healed me. It was then I was able to repent.

I once read somewhere, "How do you know when a thief has repented? Is it when he stops stealing? On the contrary, a thief stops being a thief when he not only stops stealing, but starts giving." This is what repentance is. It isn't simply the discontinuance of sin. It's actually turning around and doing the opposite of that sin. God had given me the grace to repent, but He also gave me a test of that repentance.

I was given the task of making restitution: God commanded me to pay a specific sum of money for a period of exactly seven months to the brother who had caused my pain. The joy God placed in my heart and the compassion I felt for my brother in Christ was so completely opposite from what I had been previously feeling, I almost couldn't believe this was real. I called my pastor, told him what God had instructed me to do, and my pastor in turn made arrangements for my restitution to be anonymous. With one simple phone call, the plan had been put in motion. That Sunday morning after Thanksgiving, I would turn in my first check.

There are no words to describe the joy I felt in being given such an opportunity to reverse my seven months of hatred by turning them into seven months of blessing. For several days, I was walking on air, imagining the look on the brother's face when he discovered the blessing, just in time for the holidays. I knew my brother in Christ needed this money, and with no way of knowing it had come from me, He'd have no one to thank but our good and gracious Lord. And so the disrespect I had previously showed God had now become an opportunity to see Him glorified. It was the most amazing assignment He has ever given me.

I continued to send the checks, but during the sixth month, something began to disturb me. It suddenly dawned on me that my concept of restitution did not exactly match up with the situation. I began to question if what I was doing was really a command from God or just my imagination. Trying to make sense of it all, I searched for any reputable articles on restitution I could find (there aren't many out there). Basically, this is all I could conclude:

The word restitution literally means "to make whole." Restitution is commanded of a person who has stolen from another individual. The theft can be tangible, as in the case when someone takes another's property, or it can be intangible. Examples of intangible theft include slander (theft of one's reputation), murder (theft of one's life), and fraud (theft of one's trust). The theft may have been unintentional, nevertheless, restitution must be paid. (Click here for Scripture references.)

I had not sinned against this brother. I had sinned against The Lord. It didn't make sense to me why I was making restitution to the brother, and not to God. I suppose one could argue that all the times I discussed the situation with others, it was slander -- but it really wasn't so much slander as it was me trying to process and make sense of my pain. I was given someone's word and it wasn't kept. I had been defrauded, and my ability to trust had been stolen from me. In fact, the more I read what the Bible had to say about restitution and how it should be applied, the more confused I became. "Why am I paying for sin that was committed against me?" Before I could finish my question, I felt The Lord gently impress upon my heart: "Because my child, that is precisely what I did for you."

I approached God about this matter, and said, "Father forgive me, but I just don't understand. My sin was against you, not my brother in Christ. And from what You describe in the Scriptures, it almost sounds as though he should be making restitution to me! So why am I paying him? Why am I paying for sin that was committed against me?"

Before I could finish my question, I felt The Lord gently impress upon my heart: "Because my child, that is precisely what I did for you."

In that single moment, I was broken all over again. Never did I think it would get better than it did in the first month, when I experienced the glee of being able to bless a person that deep down, I didn't hate at all. Never did I think it could get better than knowing I had been freed from the sin of anger and have it replaced with a desire for reconciliation. But it did get better, once I realized that in addition to everything God bestowed on me through this experience: love, joy, and forgiveness; He also gave me an opportunity to partake in His sufferings through a mimicry of His gesture of love toward me.

This past Sunday, I turned in my seventh and final restitution check. My only regret is that my assignment is over. The beauty of this experience has gripped me in a way that I could not have foreseen back in November. We serve such an amazing, compassionate, indescribably gracious God. There are no words to express the awe of knowing His Spirit is actually dwelling within me. In times like these, when I am faced with the unending depth of God's love for me, I can hardly believe I was ever angry with another human being. The irony of the situation is that the compassion I have for my brother in Christ now exists on a far more profound level than before the sin occurred. Only a God as amazing as ours could not only reverse the effects of sin, but actually turn it for a thing of glory.

Surely, He makes all things work together for good.

My first job was at a local neighborhood bagel shop. Three times a week I would work from 2:30-6pm after school in a privately owned, delicatessen-type establishment that was run by a very arrogant and pompous man. I was only fourteen years old, so I was paid under the books, below minimum wage. I was always on time. I always went above and beyond the call of duty. And when I had finished any task I was given, I’d report back to my boss. He’d look at me and say, “Now you can scrub the tables,” or, “Go dump out the old bagels.” On occasion, he’d just stare at me and say nothing.

I worked there for eight months, which in high school years is like a golden anniversary. One day, I announced to my boss that I had not only cleaned the bathroom, but I had also taken the liberty of fixing the paper towel dispenser that was falling off the wall. He looked at me and said, “Do you want a medal?” His wife quietly replied in my defense, “Sometimes it’s nice to hear a thank you.” He looked at me as though I was the biggest nuisance in the world and in a sharp, staccato tone said, "Thank you, Jen!" Clearly he was mocking my desire for a word of approval. I nodded and walked away, wondering why nothing I ever did seemed to please this man.

Two weeks later, the baker robbed the store. He grabbed a bunch of money from the cash register and ran. I was not even there when it happened. But I got fired. That’s right – I got fired! I was supposed to work until 6pm and I left at 6pm. The man who normally came every night to lock up was running late, so a coworker agreed to stay behind and wait. Since I was not there to “defend” the register when this grown man decided to come in and rob the place, my boss took his revenge out on me.For months I internalized feelings of shame as I drove myself nearly insane trying to figure out what I had done wrong, and what, if anything, I could have done better to have prevented the loss of my job.

After eight months of showing this man complete loyalty, faithfulness, and dedication, he fired me for something that I had no control over. And he wasn't nice about it, either. He called me unexpectedly on a very quiet evening and proceeded to yell at me in his big, bad "man" voice. He cursed and screamed, and posed questions to me like, "What is wrong with you?" and, "What are you, an idiot?" I did not even know the store had been robbed. He never told me. He just open fired. It was nothing short of devastating. The rejection I suffered was painful, confusing, and unfair. For months I internalized feelings of shame as I drove myself nearly insane trying to figure out what I had done wrong, and what, if anything, I could have done better to have prevented the loss of my job.

Ironically, my drastic reaction to being rejected stemmed from biblical truth. The Bible says that woman was created for man (1 Corinthians 11:9). Our whole entire reason for existing is to support the men around us. I am not a man, and I do not know what kind of painful feelings men go through when they are rejected. But I am convinced that the single worst feeling that a woman experiences when she is rejected by a man is the feeling that her entire reason for existing has been utterly dismissed. When a man no longer has any use for us, we feel as though we have been rendered completely unnecessary. It can feel as though we no longer have a function. Depression sets in quickly because not only are we grieving the loss of a man’s company and the security of our regular routine as dictated by him, we are coming to grips with the idea that we are no longer valued. It makes sense why God would command men to love us. If our entire reason for existing is to devote ourselves to them, what we want in return more than anything else in the world is the assurance that we are loved, or at least appreciated. But what do we do when we feel we are not loved or appreciated?

The first thing we must do is to assess our motives for serving. If in fact we are only serving the men around us in order to gain a sense of approval from them, we are really seeking our own need to be liked, appreciated, or even admired. Underneath it all, some of us may simply be fishing for a compliment. If that compliment doesn't come, it doesn't automatically mean that we are not appreciated. It simply means that the appreciation was not expressed in the manner we had hoped. When we feel rejected, we must always examine our motives in the context of that relationship. If we find our motives are not pure, then we repent of that selfishness and the feeling of rejection goes away.

But because men are sinners just like we are, there are those times when the rejection we experience is real. In this case, we must still be careful to guard our hearts. For example, when my boss fired me, the first reaction I had was one of terror. But once the initial shock wore off, the fear gave way to pride. At the tender age of fifteen, I uttered for the very first time the words of disbelief spoken by every woman who has ever been rejected without warning: “After all I’ve done for him!”

When we are rejected, we must be careful not to compensate for our feelings of low self-worth by becoming puffed up. Saying desparaging things about the man, or over-inflating our own good qualities in an effort to make us feel better is sin on both ends. The only cure for the hurt and pain is to turn to the cross. The cross has a wonderful way of leveling the playing field on both sides. It enables us to forgive the person who rejected us when we put ourselves in his shoes, remembering the many times we have rejected The Lord. It also helps us to forgive that person when we consider the way that God has forgiven us over and over and over again.

Finally, when we are rejected, we must be strong in our duty to continue serving. The Bible says "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9). Because every person we come in contact is a sinner, we can rest assured we will be rejected again and again. We cannot just shut down and avoid having relationships in an effort to avoid rejection. We must continue serving others, but we must also use discretion. "Continuing to serve" does not necessarily mean we continue to serve the individual who hurt us. Forgiveness is required of us always, but reconciliation is not mandatory. There may be good reason to separate yourself from someone who is abusive or cannot be trusted. But we cannot allow ourselves to grow weary of doing good to those who are blameless. We cannot go on in the present punishing the innocent for the sins of the guilty committed against us in the past. If you are suffering from the bondage of rejection, know that you can break those chains and be free to serve others in Christ. Here is a wonderful message by Charles Stanley called, "Release from the Bondage of Rejection." It runs approximately 50 minutes in length, or you can also skim the sermon outline by clicking here.

A Review
Pride is a very sneaky sin, because it often masks itself as other things. I used to think pride was simply the act of being "conceited." I used to think that if you bragged about yourself or your accomplishments, that was pride -- and it is, but pride is so much more than that. Because I was always very careful not to praise myself to others (Proverbs 27:2) I didn't think I had a problem with pride. Boy, was I ever wrong!

Pride occurs anytime we esteem ourselves higher than we should, especially when it comes to our own sense of dignity and self worth. It may or may not be accompanied by conceit. I personally think when it is not accompanied by conceit, it becomes a very slippery sin that escapes our grasp. This is the kind of pride that I struggle with.

Take for example, the feminist movement. It is a sinful response to sin. It puffs up women not because it boasts in their accomplishments, rather, it it puffs up women because it seductively convinces them that they don't need men. When we seek to be "strong" and we claim we don't need others, this is pride. We are esteeming our abilities higher than we should. We are claiming that our self-worth surpasses the worth of men. This is sin.

My biggest struggle with pride reared its ugly head in the context of my relationships with others. My tendency to run from relationships, whether they be with the same or the opposite sex, was an ugly manifestation of pride in my life. First, I was proudly elevating my abilities to an above-normal level, claiming that I had some super-human power to reject the basic human need for relationships. I wanted others to admire me for my supposed "strength." Secondly, I was elevating my own knowledge above God's. Although He said, "It is not good for man to be alone," I was insinuating through my independence that I was right and He was wrong. Finally, by keeping others at arm's length, I was able to devote all my time and energy to the god of self. But not once did I ever consider myself to be prideful because I did not appear conceited or brag about my accomplishments. Was I in sin? You betcha!

Just after I became interested in reformed theology, I read a truly incredible little book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Brokenness: The Heart God Revives. This book didn't just teach me about brokenness - it actually was an instrument God used like a scalpel to cut out all the cancerous tumors of pride that were growing in my heart. This is a must read for anyone struggling with the sin of pride, because brokenness is the antidote to pride.

As I read this book, I began to realize that the sin of pride was so hard to detect in my heart because it had disguised itself as fear. Over the years, I had lamented that the people who hurt me the most in life were other Christians. I ran from anyone who wanted to be my friend because I was afraid of getting hurt. I used to think, "If they find out I'm not the superwoman they all think I am, they'll reject me and leave me." But DeMoss (2002) says, "Broken men and women don't care who finds out about their sin; they have nothing to protect, and nothing to lose," (p. 67). The truth God showed me was that when we are afraid of others, it is our sinful pride that we are fighting so hard to protect. It is our precious reputation, our squeaky clean image as a good Christian, and most of all, the respect of others that we don't want to lose. That is a hard pill to swallow. It gets worse:

Jesus was always drawn to those whose sin seemed egregious (from a human point of view), but were repentant over their sin. On the other hand, he was repulsed by those who looked like perfect saints but whose hearts were proud and unbroken. Could it be that God is more offended by those of us who appear to be respectable and spiritual but who have proud, unteachable spirits, than He is by adulterers, fornicators, sodomites, abortionists, or pornographers who make no pretense of being godly? The sobering reality is that proud, unbroken Christians have done far more damage to the Church of Jesus Christ than any sinners outside the church could inflict. (DeMoss, 2002, pp. 82-83).

YEEOUCH!!! That was one slap in the face I really needed. In my early walk with God, I was hurt so badly by other Christians, I left the church for six years. I was living in sin for those six years. No, I was not fornicating or shooting up heroin or frequenting seedy nightclubs. But I was marinating in pride. My expectations of others who called themselves Christians were so high I had forgotten that Christians are sinners too. And I did the very thing that I was so afraid they'd do to me: I rejected them. I sinned in response to sin. Worse, I punished everyone I met after that for what others had previously done to me. I was a Pharisee. I didn't want to give anyone a chance. I buried myself in my accomplishments and sneered that I was too busy whenever I was invited to fellowship somewhere. The truth is, I was protecting my pride. I did not want to be around others because I did not want to be hurt again. But if we are truly to become the men and women that God delights in, we can't protect our pride. We must crucify it.

Earlier this year, another trusted Christian friend sinned against me and immediately, pride reared its ugly head. Instead of forgiving right then and there, which is what I should have done, I began to compare my own righteousness to that of this other individual. I said things like, "What kind of person would do such a thing?" I continued to ask questions about this person's character and integrity until I was so deep in sin, I was actually questioning this individual's salvation! Just who did I think I was? What gave me the right to judge this person that way? My sin was probably a thousand times worse than the sin that was originally committed against me, but I rationalized that it was okay because I was hurting. I went so far as to turn my anger on God and say, "You see? I told you this 'getting close to people' was a stupid idea!" I was really walking on thin ice, but I figured God understood because I was in pain. This is the seductive power of pride. We are so blinded by pain and fear that we don't even see we're in sin. It takes a trusted, caring friend to lovingly point it out to us and make a commitment to come alongside us in the fight to mortify sin. When someone sins against us, we need to remember that person is not the enemy -- sin is the enemy.

Thankfully, God gave me the grace to forgive that person in my heart with no guarantee that we'd ever be reconciled here on earth. He gave me compassion to intercede for this person daily through prayer and to turn my focus on my own sin instead. He gave me peace to realize that He's not finished with me and that other person yet. We cannot allow the sin of pride to gain a foothold, because it can and will divide and ultimately destroy.

So where are you in regards to pride? I highly recommend Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book for further study on this topic. But for the time being, click on the book cover below to view the 41 evidences of pride found on Nancy's website and see how you do:


DeMoss, N. (2002). Brokenness: The heart God revives. Chicago: Moody Publishers.

The Choice to Love
When I was a child, I used to love to read the Choose Your Own Adventure series. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this series, the title is exactly as it sounds. You literally would choose how the story will go. There were several different storylines: you were in the Amazon jungle, or climbing Mount Everest, or on a Deep Sea Adventure. After reading about five pages or so into the story, the reader would be faced with a decision: If you decide to enter the cave, turn to page 19. If you turn back and go for help, turn to page 81. The choice you made determined the outcome of the story.

I have always been very practical, even as a child. So it probably comes as no surprise to you that I used to read ahead to learn the outcome of both choices. Then, whichever scenario provided the best possible outcome would be the decision I would make.

The Christian life is a lot like the Choose Your Own Adventure series, only we cannot skip ahead a few pages to know the outcome of our decisions ahead of time. Instead, we must use what we know about God's design, God's will, and God's word to make the best possible educated guess and make our choice in faith with God's guidance.

I was once faced with such a decision. A man I knew had made a decision that I did not agree with. That in itself is a struggle, because as self-absorbed sinners, we want what pleases us. But in addition to having to submit to a decision I did not like, there was another issue. In carrying out his decision, the man sinned against me.

The details of what this man did are not important. What is important was my reaction to the sin. In a word, I was angry -- sinfully angry. I wanted to alert this man right away to the fact that what he did was just downright wrong, unfair, and hurtful to me. As far as I could search my heart, I had done nothing to bring this on myself.

So I was faced with a Choose Your Own Adventure-type decision: If you decide to confront this man on his sin, turn to Matthew 18:15-17. If you decide to remain silent, turn to 1 Peter 3:1. Although I did not know the outcome of either decision, I tried my best, given what I know about God's design for men and women, to imagine how each scenario would play out.

Let's look at Matthew 18:15-17:
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

What might the outcome be if I took this road? Well, given what I know about men and women, I most likely would have been extremely tempted to use my feminine power of influence in a selfish way, especially since I was angry. It's possible I would have been tempted to use the discussion about the man's sin as an opportunity to get him to change his decision. As a result, I may have appeared to this man as a contentious and/or selfish woman who was only trying to rob him of his leadership. He may have considered me to be a thorn in the flesh, instead of a caring sister in Christ. Taking this approach might even communicate to him: "I don't respect you enough to trust your ability to make a godly decision." I do have biblical grounds based on Matthew 18 to correct this man. There is nothing unlawful about confronting him on his sin. However, what if I consider this scripture:

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being. (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

Just because I have biblical grounds for Matthew 18, does that make it the best possible decision? Will confronting this man edify him, or contribute to his well-being?

I feel I knew this brother well enough to say that he is a very gentle and tenderhearted man of God. I am confident that he is aware of his sin. All of us have sinned at one point and knew it, yet were ashamed or embarrassed to address the offended party. Perhaps we were afraid of rejection. The possibility of hearing that individual say, "You really blew it bigtime!" is not helpful. Most of us would probably respond, "Gee, thanks. Tell me something I don't know!" I am confident that 1 Peter 3:1 gives me the opportunity to communicate to this man, without the use of words, the very "something" he may not know:

• I don't agree with your decision, but I respect you enough to submit to it. I am demonstrating my submission to you by my silence.
• I have compassion for you, so as not to throw your sin in your face.

I know you have a lot on your plate; therefore, I will remain silent. I will not add my own drama to your troubles.

I trust your level of integrity enough to let you come to me on your own when you are ready.

I believe in you! I know you can take the lead and initiate reconciliation without any nagging from me.

I will not rob you of your leadership. I will wait for you to step in and fulfill your role.

I will not use the occasion to address sin as an opportunity to influence you to change your decision.

I want to calm any fears you have that I may jump down your throat, as though I am surprised at your sin.

So here is the difference: Matthew 18 is an opportunity to focus on the man's sin, while 1 Peter 3 is an opportunity to focus on the man's decision. Which is the better choice? Although it is appropriate for me to confront the sin, I chose to let it go and focus instead on the fact that I have an opportunity to respect this man through silence and submission. An opportunity to demonstrate respect, especially when the opportunity calls for a demonstration of grace, is far more edifying to a brother in Christ. Therefore, I felt 1 Peter 3:1 was the better decision in this case, so that's the road I took. Unfortunately, we never did achieve reconciliation (although God could always change that).

Even so, I think I did the right thing. The only reason to have taken the Matthew 18 road would be so I could get what I was looking for: communication. Yet we know the Christian life is not about the self, rather, the Christian life is about putting others first. This is not about getting what I want as much as giving him what he needs. And because of his circumstances, my dear brother in Christ could probably use some support from me in the form of me not nagging him about his sin right now. What he needs is the assurance that I am here and willing to reconcile. I don't do that with words. I demonstrate that through quietness, so that even if he doesn't obey the word, he may be won through my conduct (1 Peter 3:1).


Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.(Philippians 2:3-4)

Let us be gracious to our brothers in the Lord when they sin against us. Leadership is hard. They cannot do it alone. They so desperately need our help, patience, and understanding as they try to do what's right in God's eyes, knowing He will hold them accountable for their decisions. I encourage you to watch this brief clip of John Piper as he explains the role of leadership in initiating reconciliation:



*A popular question I have been asked about 1 Peter 3:1 is, "Aren't you contributing to the breakdown in communication with this technique?" When using 1 Peter 3:1, especially in a marital situation, I need to stress that we are not talking about giving someone the "Silent Treatment." The silent treatment is never a Christian response to another's sin. This scripture is advocating silence regarding specific issues, not silence toward individuals. Before making any decision to confront an individual in sin or to remain silent, it is best to pray and seek God's face as to what the best course of action is. Remember, Ecclesiastes 3:7 says that there is a time to be silent, and a time to speak. God will direct your paths and show you when to speak, and when to keep silent. For additional information, consult this article by John MacArthur.