Reformed SHEology

Choosing a marriage partner is perhaps one of the most important decisions in a person's life. For this reason, many people believe it is best to choose from a wide selection of individuals. With so many millions of people in this world, the task of finding "The One" can seem extremely daunting. There's always that nagging thought that if we just hold out a little longer, something better will come along. When we finally do settle, we have a tendency to look at all the others and ask, "What if I made the wrong choice?"

Today, the internet was ablaze with discussion of the American television program, The Bachelor. Like its counterpart The Bachelorette, the show features a man who must choose a wife from a group of 25 women (or a woman who must choose a husband from a group of 25 men). Last night's episode marks with striking accuracy why playing the field is not the best way to find "The One." If you didn't see the show, don't worry - I didn't either -- but countless clips and articles are available online for you to catch up on all the ugly details.

In a nutshell, Jason had whittled his decision from 25 women down to 2. He sent Molly home and proposed marriage to Melissa. But six weeks later, he changed his mind and decided he'd rather be engaged to Molly. The play-by-play is detailed in this article from Yahoo! TV, which includes a culmination of some of the most comprehensive comments made by angry female viewers from around the web. Truly, what Jason did to Melissa is nothing short of despicable. But Jason's problem was not that his feelings for one woman dissolved. Jason's problem was that he was distracted by another. (Two viewers astutely observe in the above article that Jason's fickleness only proves Molly has no security in Jason's declarations of affection, either.)

How many of us are still playing the bachelorette and "dating" 25 men in our minds, even long after we are married?As Christians, we look at this cheap imitation of courtship with disdain. We would never date 25 men, and certainly not all at the same time! But how many of us find ourselves just as distracted as Jason by other members of the opposite sex? How many of us are still playing the bachelorette and "dating" 25 men in our minds, even long after we are married? Perhaps we can console ourselves by rationalizing that we don't have to worry because we've never had the problem of choosing a husband from 25 men. Yet let's be honest: how many of us have secretly been vacillating between two men, (even long after we are married)?

One of the main sources of this dilemma is the view that we are looking for the right man "for us." Never mind that marriage is a vehicle by which we must strive to glorify God - we insist it is all about us. We reject a genuinely nice guy who's asked for a courtship because he's missing some superficial quality that we perceive would significantly reduce our level of happiness. Or we perceive that someone other than our current spouse can make us "happier," so we get a divorce. Simliarly, when we are faced with more than one suitor (and when men are faced with more than one woman to pursue), confusion sets in because we are focusing not on God's will for our marriages, but on our own selfish desires. We only consider what might please us most: "Bill's got a great sense of humor, but he just doesn't listen to me the way John does." When we do not learn to rest in God's sovereignty, we carry this thinking over into the marriage itself: "Why can't my husband be more like Larry?" or, "Perhaps I made a mistake and should have married Charlie instead."

If your thoughts are similar to these, one thing is certain: God is not in control of the situation - you are. The Bible tells us that God is not the author of confusion, but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33). If we find ourselves in a situation where we are torn between two options, regardless of what we feel, we must shut out the opposing voices and rely on God's voice alone. Recognizing His sovereignty in our lives is a surefire way to eliminate all our doubts.

Someone once said, "The safest place on earth that you can be is in God's will." This is true always, but it is a crucial piece of advice when it comes to choosing a marriage partner.Someone once said, "The safest place on earth that you can be is in God's will." This is true always, but it is a crucial piece of advice when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. There will always be those in the world who will insist that they want to be in control of their own lives. But when it comes to choosing a marriage partner, the best guidance these people often have is a few trite words of advice set to music. As Christians, we can rest in the comfort of knowing that God has made these decisions for us. If you are married, there will be no regrets or "what ifs" when you survey your marriage to your husband. And if you are a single woman who does not have two dozen men chasing after you, consider yourself blessed. When one does show interest, you can be sure the absence of the other twenty-three will not distract you from hearing God say, "This is the one!"

Do not stress over the idea that the grass could be greener somewhere else. When we consider that it will essentially take the rest of our lives to fully know just one man, we will never be able to assess every other brother in Christ who may have made a good marriage partner. There's so many men, and so little time. Life is short. Spend it with the man God gives you, and spend it rejoicing:

Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

Dave Harvey has written an incredibly profound book on marriage that I recommend for everyone, whether married or single. The book is called, When Sinners Say "I Do". Harvey explains the basis of the book as follows in the preface: "Marriage is the union of two people toting the luggage of life. And that luggage always contains sin . . . to get to the heart of marriage, we must deal with the heart of sin . . . But we must start where the gospel starts; there lies the hope for sinners who say 'I do'" (pp. 15-16).

The tone is set in the first chapter with the statement, "What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage" (p. 20). Using the analogy of an uneven button-down shirt, Harvey illustrates that when we get the first button right (theology), then all the other buttons of marriage will fall into place. A marriage that is not built on God is like putting the first button of your shirt into the wrong hole. Nothing that follows seems to line up correctly. Naturally, the first button is an understanding that marriage is designed to glorify God. The most important person in the marriage is not me or my spouse. The most important person in the marriage is God.

Once we realize this, we will get all the rest of our buttons straight. We will understand that women are to submit to their husbands. Men understand they are to love and cherish their wives. When faced with tough decisions, we make the right choices. We understand that the greatest enemy to our marriages is sin.

Harvey writes: "Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet," (p. 29). Much of the discussion that takes place after this statement is about sin. Sin is not something many of us enjoy hearing about, but as Harvey notes, "dealing with the sin problem is necessary to a thriving marriage."

The remaining buttons described in the book include conflict resolution, mercy and forgiveness, accountability and honesty to one another concerning each other's sin, and sexual relations. Most books I've come across on marriage discuss these issues, but what makes this book different is that it centers these issues around a realistic look at sin and the power of the gospel to conquer it. Finally, this book is different because the final chapter, "When Sinners Say Goodbye," discusses the issue of decline. Rarely do we ever talk about the fact that when two people get married, it is only temporary, until death. As couples go through their marriage, they are expected to honor their commitment to be faithful servants to one another through disease, decay, and death. Again, when we understand that the most important person in the marriage is God, the inevitable releasing of our husband to Him becomes possible.

This book is a very God-centered, realistic book on marriage. It is gospel-focused without over-emphasizing the fact that marriage is a symbol of Christ and His bride. It offers very practical, down to earth advice that is valuable to both married people and single people as well. Any single person who is struggling with the longing for a spouse will have a greater appreciation for the fact that marriage belongs to God, which I think helps to take the focus off self and ease the longing.

When Sinners Say I Do also makes a great group study for couples (my church went through the study for couples this past summer). Study guides are available for this purpose and can usually be purchased wherever the book is sold.

If you'd like a sneak peek into the basic principles of this book, click here to read the Westminster Bookstore's interview with author Dave Harvey.

Here in the States we have a cable television program appropriately titled, "Bridezillas." The entire premise of the show can be adequately summed up in this short clip, running only 21 seconds:



Somewhere along the way we have adopted the idea that a wedding is all about the bride. What a travesty! When we consider the beauty and symbolism inherent in the wedding ceremony, we can see why any bride who asserts, "This is MY DAY!" is reducing this occasion to a grotesque, debased imitation of the real thing. Newsflash: it's not about me!

Now, I'm no wedding expert, but I think if we notice the way the wedding ceremony is set up, it is reminiscent of the relationship between Christ and the Church. The groom arrives first, and the bride comes to meet Him:

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17).

Traditionally, the groom vows to honor and cherish his wife, while the bride promises to love, honor, and obey. Finally, the new couple is pronounced man and wife (not woman and husband). They are the announced to the witnesses and guests as "Mr. and Mrs. Husband's Last Name." The entire process demonstrates the the acquiring of a wife by a man, not the conquest of a man by a woman. This is because God chooses us. We do not choose Him. A woman becomes part of the man's "world" because God saves us and brings us into His kingdom, where we will live with Him forever.

When I consider these things, I always wonder why wedding ceremonies are so bride-centered. It seems as though we should give a bit more recognition to the groom, not just because he illustrates Christ in relation to the Church, but because as the man, he is taking on a greater responsibility by agreeing to protect, provide for, and lead his wife. I always see wedding guests gushing over the bride, yet the groom so often seems ignored. Aren't the men entitled to a little special attention on this day as well? I wonder if there is a way to reverse this "Bridezilla" mentality in our culture to encourage a more reverent attitude toward one's wedding day and a greater appreciation (or at least an equal opportunity) for the groom.

Of course, the real star of the show is our beautiful Lord Jesus. Our weddings can reflect this, but more importantly, our entire Christian walk should demonstrate that it's all about Him, not about us. On that most ultimate of wedding days, few will be admiring the bride's beauty, because this Groom will be too beautiful to behold. If anyone admires the beauty of the bride, it is only because her beauty is borrowed from the one who has made her beautiful. Truly, when the greatest of Grooms comes to meet His bride, it will be abundantly clear: This is HIS day. Bridezillas, beware!

Update 10/25/08: Ingrid Schlueter has written a wonderful article which expands upon this issue beyond my own efforts. I highly recommend reading her thoughts on the subject by clicking here.

It's no secret that most young girls begin planning their weddings from a very early age. But have you ever stopped to consider how much further planning we tend to do when it comes to being married? Some women already know what they want to name their children. Some have already picked out their dinnerware for special occasions. Although I was never one for planning my wedding or decorating my future home, I had already decided upon what I wanted to be called, which is exactly what I'm called now.

That's right. I swore I would not change my last name - not even hyphenate it. I have become so accustomed to my maiden name that calling myself by any other name seemed like . . . how did I describe it? Oh, yes: "an assault on my identity." Naturally I am grinning as I write this. The sentiment just smacks of smug rebellion and self-love. Needless to say, I no longer feel this way about changing my last name. Let's just be clear: there is nothing wrong with keeping one's last name, or hyphenating a last name upon getting married. The problem instead lies within the heart. I don't want to directly quote anyone here, but if you surf the net on your own, you will undoubtedly come across three general reasons women give for not taking their husband's last name:

1. We're both getting married. Why should I take his name? Why doesn't he take mine?

2. That tradition was (allegedly) based on a patriarchal system which symbolized that a woman was the man's property.

3. It would interrupt my career and create all sorts of confusion in my personal life.

The practice of taking your husband's last name has often been associated with Western "patriarchal" culture, but it is more specifically tied to Christianity because it is symbolic of the transformation that takes place when a person is born again. Just as a bride and groom promise to "forsake all others," we reject our former lives when we become born again. We call ourselves Christians to symbolize that we now belong to Christ:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The fact that I swore I'd never change my name because I wanted to cling to my identity showed where my heart was. The Christian life is precisely about forsaking one's old identity in order to embrace a new identity. Granted, a marriage is merely a temporal symbol of the greater thing: eternal union with the Lord, but what are we saying to our husbands when we refuse to take their last names, or insist on clinging to our own names?

Let me stress again that this is a symbolic procedure. If you do not change your last name or if you decide to hyphenate, God will not be displeased with you. In fact, in many cultures (particularly in Latin families) it is customary to hyphenate last names as a way of acknowledging the unity of both families. The stress again is on the condition of one's heart when one makes such a decision. If I insist on maintaining my own identity, I am essentially clinging to self. A love of self cannot be good for my walk with God or for my marriage. We are called as Christians to die to self. There is no more room for "me." In marriage, we exchange "me" for "we." In the Christian life, we exchange "me" for "Thee."

When all else fails, we may want to consider dropping our maiden names in the event that our stubborn desire to hyphenate results in one of these unfortunate combinations. (Warning: Content in this link may be mildly offensive to some readers, but I believe it makes a point!)

Marriage is supposed to be permanent, correct? If you agree with that statement, then you need to define what you mean by permanent, lest you come to a misunderstanding like Larry and Cheryl:



This clip was taken from Curb Your Enthusiasm, a show that commonly portrays Larry David as the bumbling fool. But this time, Larry is correct! We do not take our marriages into eternity with us:

For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. (Matthew 22:30, cr. Mark 12:25)

Jesus answered and said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage. 35 But those who are counted worthy to attain that age, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry nor are given in marriage. . . (Luke 20:34-35)

Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law has dominion over a man as long as he lives? For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man. (Romans 7:1-3)

John Piper has recently released a new book, This Momentary Marriage. The book is so new that it was introduced at the True Woman conference, and not even Nancy Leigh DeMoss has read it yet. For this reason, we are unable to review it for you, but we wanted to make you aware of this interesting new book. According to Piper's website, Desiring God, the book is described as follows:

Romance, sex, and childbearing are temporary gifts of God. So is marriage. It will not be part of the next life. And it is not guaranteed even for this life. It is one possible path along the narrow way to Paradise. It passes through breathtaking heights and through swamps with choking vapors. With marriage comes bitter providences, and it makes many things sweeter.

There never has been a generation whose view of marriage is high enough. The chasm between the biblical vision of marriage and the common human vision is now, and has always been, gargantuan. Some cultures in history respect the importance and the permanence of marriage more than others. Some, like our own, have such low, casual, take-it-or-leave-it attitudes toward marriage as to make the biblical vision seem ludicrous to most people.

Reflecting on his forty years of matrimony, Piper explains:

Most foundationally, marriage is the doing of God. And ultimately, marriage is the display of God. It displays the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his people to the world in a way that no other event or institution does. Marriage, therefore, is not mainly about being in love. It’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. And staying married is not about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant and putting the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love on display.

“If you are married, this is why,” says Piper. “If you hope to be, this should be your dream.”

Earthly marriage between humans is not permanent in the eternal sense. Like Cheryl in the clip above, many people have a difficult time with this. They don't like the idea of being separated from their spouse after so many years of marriage.

While Larry is correct in thinking he and Cheryl will no longer be married in eternity, he is mistaken in assuming he will be single. Even though all marriages will be dissolved in heaven, we will not be single, because we will all be joined in Christ. As John Piper explained at the True Woman conference this past weekend, "God had the cross in mind when he created marriage." This being said, we can understand why there would be no marriage in eternity. Marriage is merely a symbol of greater, more permanent things to come.

Although physical marriage lasts only as long as one's physical life, we still get the pleasure of an eternal commitment in Christ. We remain faithful to our marriage covenants "till death do us part," after which, we are betrothed to another for all eternity!

It's said that a picture is worth a thousand words. This cartoon is no exception. From left to right we see Belle (Beauty and the Beast), Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel (The Little Mermaid), and Sleeping Beauty, all complaining about their husbands. What is so funny is that these are all Disney characters, and Disney World is known for being "The Happiest Place on Earth." Yet, these "desperate housewives" don't seem very happy. Each one of these ladies married a Prince Charming. Who would have ever guessed that these women would ever become disenchanted with the "perfect man"?

It's funny -- I have never been married -- but I have seen through the eyes of others what complaining can do to one's perception of what life is like in the "Happily Ever After." Don't get me wrong -- marriage is definitely hard work at times. But at other times, we can make our marriages harder than they have to be when we focus on the negative and start complaining. It may seem like just some innocent venting with the girls. But if left unchecked, this "venting session" could become a destructive habit that could prove deadly to our marriages.

Everyone has their quirks. And everyone certainly has their sin. But when we start to focus on the things that we don't like about our husbands, we become discontent. We can even become disinterested. When we lose interest, we seek to find fulfillment elsewhere. In a marital situation, this can be very dangerous. When we seek excitement in other people and things, the gap between the husband and wife widens. And as we grow further and further apart from our husbands, they begin to seek solace in other people and things as well. Before we know it, the marriage is in real jeopardy.


In the soon to be released film Fireproof, Kirk Cameron plays a firefighter whose marital relationship is terribly strained. In the movie trailer, he says, "Marriages aren't fireproof --sometimes you get burned!" His friend Michael responds, "Fireproof doesn't mean the fire never comes, but that when it does, you'll be able to withstand it." Bitterness resulting from discontentment can leave us thinking we wish we didn't get married in the first place. It can leave us thinking we've made a mistake. But we must fight to restore the joy in our marriages. They are our most important human relationships, and we must sacrifice everything to protect and preserve them.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "How do you know? You've never been married!" Well, I have never been married in the human sense, that is true. But I have been married to my Lord and Savior for fifteen years, and I am sorry to admit there have been times I have lost interest in Him.

When we lose interest in the Ultimate Bridegroom, the problem is not with Him, but with us. The Bible says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). If we lose interest, we cannot point the finger at Him and say, "You changed!" What changed was our fickle passion for Him. His beauty remains forever.

Interestingly, this was the very message given at my church last Sunday. Danny Jones, our senior pastor, presented a very compelling sermon on the human tendency to become bored with our biggest blessings in life. Sometimes, the most important things in life that we experience every day in the mundane can become very boring after a while because they seem familiar. As with newlyweds, when the things of God are new to us, we find our new relationship exhilarating. But after a few years or so, we not only become bored, we expect to be entertained! In times like these we need to examine our hearts and ask ourselves, "What is my motive here? Am I looking to serve or be served? Am I wanting to please or be pleased?"

Perhaps the biggest pitfall in our marital relationships is the idea that getting married is supposed to make us happy. Hence, the closing line of every Disney fairy tale, "And they lived happily ever after." My church is famous for quoting this little nugget of wisdom: "Marriage is not for our happiness, but for our holiness." Isn't that also true of the Christian life? Did any of us really come to Christ because we thought He'd make us happy? Jesus promises us persecutions and trials. He tells us it will not be an easy road. But it is in these trials that we are sanctified. Our holiness is at the forefront of our relationship with God. Our happiness is a by-product of this holiness, yet not the primary focus.

The Gospel should be at the center of everything we do. And if it is going to be the center of everything we do, it is going to be mundane sometimes. We cannot use this as an excuse to become lazy in our love and service to our Savior. We cannot allow this to become a justification for us to search elsewhere for fulfillment. The only way to keep ourselves Gospel-centered is to focus on the majesty, beauty, and glory of our wonderful Savior, instead of focusing on the things that are less than perfect in our lives and turning those thoughts into murmuring and complaining.

There is no perfect relationship. Even our relationship with God is constantly in need of repair as we sin against Him and ask for His forgiveness. We need to drive out the tendency to complain by focusing on all there is to be thankful for, lest we become like the women in the cartoon above. The Bible calls us to be transformed through the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2). Every time that tendency to become bored or that temptation to complain rears its ugly head, we can renew our minds through thanksgiving and praise: praise for our Savior, and praise for our husbands. "Happily Ever After" really is possible, but it can not come to us by any means other than through pursuing holiness.

Many years ago, I befriended a man (I'll call him John) whom I dated for a few months. John's father was an alcoholic and drank himself into a wheelchair. Because he was often intoxicated and could no longer work and provide for his wife, all responsibility fell upon John to provide for his mother. John was frequently inundated with tasks that were clearly not his responsibility. John often would run to his mother's side whenever she was bored or depressed, or needed a shoulder to cry on. Needless to say, my presence was not welcome. I remember calling John that year to wish him a Merry Christmas, and his mother picked up the phone and said, "For crying out loud, you just saw him yesterday! Can't you have some respect and let his mother spend time with him on Christmas?"

When Valentine's Day rolled around, John and I had plans to go to dinner. About two hours before John was supposed to pick me up, he called me to say, "I am going to have to cancel. I'm taking my mother out to dinner instead." Naturally I protested. But my objections had no effect on him. You see, John was not married to his mother, but he was committed to her just the same. After explaining to me that mother came first, we hung up the phone so he would not be late for his "date". I called him the next day to tell him we'd be better off as friends.

Most of the ladies reading this will understand what a gross offense this was on behalf of the man. But I personally believe the mother is primarily to blame. She chose not to raise John according to the Bible's instructions that a man is to leave his mother and father (and ultimately cleave to his wife). I wonder, how many ladies out there are raising their children in the context of a relationship that resembles the one between John and his mother?

What is the purpose of parenting? As a parent, your job is to prepare your children to leave (Genesis 2:24). That's right, moms: your children will leave you one day! Their job is not to stick around and provide you with companionship. Instead, God expects that they will provide companionship to their own spouses. When a parent demands an inappropriate amount of time and attention from a child, the child becomes confused about his role. The child will eventually grow up to break his wedding vows every time he feels obligated to postpone plans with his wife to attend to your needs instead. Perhaps your child will choose not to marry at all, assuming "Mom needs me." Therefore, if you aim to be a good parent, you will remember your place in your child's life, which is to equip him to become a man, leave home, and start a family of his own. When you don't release your grip on your children, they do not learn for themselves how to leave.If you are divorced, your children already have a negative attitude toward marriage. They have been programmed to think that marriages are destined to fail. Your second marriage is your golden opportunity to demonstrate to your children that this is not true!

Let me give you another scenario to think about. One of your coworkers is divorced and has two children: a girl, 11, and a boy, 13. She just got remarried six months ago and already there are problems in the marriage. Her children and her new husband are not getting along. Your other coworkers are standing around the water cooler gossiping about the situation and one of them remarks: "My kids come first. If I ever get married again, I don't care - my kids come first." Would you agree with this statement? Throughout my life I have heard many women say this, and sadly, it is perhaps the worst mentality toward parenting (and marriage) a person can have.

When you ask most women to explain what they mean by this statement, their response is almost always the same: "I want to show my kids that no matter what, I love them. I would never choose a man over my own flesh and blood." There are so many problems with this type of thought pattern -- where do I begin?

Let's start with the concept of "flesh and blood." Your children may be your flesh and blood, but the Bible says that a husband and a wife are more than just flesh and blood: they are one flesh. This puts the husband/wife relationship at a higher level than any other relationship we claim to have with a "blood relative," including our children.

For women, this is a difficult truth to accept. A woman has had nine additional months of bonding with the child and literally experiences the child coming forth from her own flesh. In spite of this strong bond, the relationship with a woman's husband still trumps the relationship she has with her child. The Bible says that God fashioned Eve from one of Adam's ribs. Therefore, a woman is the product of one person -- her husband. Her entire being rests in him. A child, on the other hand, derives its entire being from two people, and therefore its "loyalty" is divided evenly between those people. Only a husband and wife were designed to give full attention and devotion to one another. In traditional wedding vows, the two promise to "forsake all others." This includes children. Now before I start getting all kinds of nasty comments on my blog, let's remember that this is not my opinion. This is God's idea. God never does anything for no reason, so let's look at why the order of "spouse first, children second" makes sense.

Many parents who make their children the most important people in their lives sincerely believe that they are demonstrating to their children how much they love them. In the short term, this may appear to be loving. But in the long run, it will destroy the child's ability to have a faithful, committed marital relationship of his own. You may think your children are feeling offended, abandoned, or ignored. And perhaps they are. This may be one of the reasons they choose to act out by being disrespectful to your new husband. But there is another side to this: children who act out are testing the loyalty of the institution of marriage itself. This is because your children desire security. They are testing the waters to see how long it will take before this marriage crumbles, too.

If you are divorced, your children already have a negative attitude toward marriage. They have been programmed to think that marriages are destined to fail. Your second marriage is your golden opportunity to demonstrate to your children that this is not true! If you are a born again believer in Jesus Christ and His ability to mend broken relationships, your second marriage should be a breeding ground for healing for your children as well. This is your chance to model to your children that a healthy, committed relationship is possible in Jesus Christ. It gives them new hope for their own future.

Being faithful to your marriage may be difficult at times when your children are vying for your affection. When you "side" with your husband, your children may accuse you of choosing your spouse over them. They may pout, cry, and throw temper tantrums. It will be painful. The temptation to soothe them and meet their demands will be strong, but don't give in! It is said that 50% of all marriages in America end in divorce, and that percentage is higher for second marriages. If you allow your children to dilute your marital bond to the point where "the kids come first" and you get another divorce, you will have demonstrated to your children once again that marriage does not work. You will reduce the power of God in their eyes as well: "What God has joined together, let not man separate," (Mark 10:9). When you don't cling to your husband, your children do not learn for themselves how to cleave.

It may take many years of heartache and patience, but if you are faithful to your husband, your children will one day look to your marriage as a positive example of what a healthy relationship should look like. The ultimate reward will be a grown child who aspires to have a marriage "just like mom and her husband."

As a child, are you allowing your parents to interfere in your marriage? Repent of this by leaving your parents. As a parent, are you allowing your children to interfere in your marriage? Repent of this by cleaving to your spouse. God has designed for all of our needs to be met by one another. When we follow His plan according to His design, provision is made for everyone. When we don't, all sorts of problems occur. At the very most, you will break a cycle of failed marriages in your family. At the very least, you can avoid someday becoming the subject of someone's blog as "The Worst Valentine Ever!"

For more information, see this article by Dr. Adrian Rogers:
http://www.wtln.com/MinistryAudio/Love_Worth_Finding/1540/