It has been almost three months since I last wrote for this blog. I sensed that God wanted me to take some time off, and I knew He wanted to show me something. That something turned out to be my sin.
This last week has been especially difficult. Not only did the Holy Spirit show me that I had been previously blind to my predicament, but once my eyes were opened, I confessed it aloud to several people. I took action to avoid the triggers that tempt me. I have made a lot of progress in the last week. But acknowledging my sin and avoiding temptation is not the end of the battle. Removal of temptation does not change the heart. That battle is just beginning.
I know I'm in sin. My mind fully grasps that concept. But my heart could not care less. My heart likes my sin. It has lied to me and told me that my sin makes me powerful. It tells me that I should not repent, because it's really not that bad, and it makes me feel so good! Nothing could be further from the truth.
I have not repented. Not yet anyway. God is faithful, and repentance is coming. Just yesterday morning, I had a funny thought. I felt that I was supposed to blog my way through this. Immediately, a voice rose up inside me and said, "That's crazy! Why on earth would I want to reveal my sin on my blog?" Immediately, the answer came: "But isn't that how this site got started in the first place?"
It's true. Reformed SHEology all began because I was in sin. Once I had repented, I felt I had to write about my experience and share with others the lessons I learned. I always felt that I wrote my very best "stuff" in the early days of Reformed SHEology, when my heart was on fire after being granted the gift of repentance. Sadly, that feeling began to dry up. The last several months in particular seemed dull, like I was only going through the motions of writing. My prayer was that God would light that fire in me again, so that I could really write from the bottom of my heart, the way I used to. Creating this site and sharing my experiences in cyberspace has been one of the most personally rewarding things I've ever done, and I am convinced that this is an opportunity to experience that all over again.
Only this time, I believe God wants to take things to a deeper level. This time, I am not going to wait until I've fully repented before I start reflecting upon how this sin has affected my life. This time, I am going to start blogging while I am still in the midst of the battle. My goal is to record what I am going through now, in the hopes that working through this process publicly will bless someone.
So without further ado, let me confess my sin: it just so happens to be the very same sin that gripped me two years ago, and eventually inspired me to start this blog in the first place.
Yes, my friends. I am angry.