Reformed SHEology

You gotta love personal ads. Have you ever really analyzed a personal ad? Here are folks who are seeking companionship because of what it will offer them. Think about it. The average personal ad adheres to the following format: "SWF, possesses characteristics that are highly exaggerated because I think more highly of myself than reality would dictate. Seeking SWM, 30-40, for stuff that I think is fun and pleases me, and meets my needs. Must have the following qualities that I find attractive: superficial quality #1, superficial quality #2, superficial quality #3. If you fit this description, contact me." The hilarity of this is that every single person reading the ad thinks this describes them perfectly! Oh, we are just too full of ourselves, aren't we?

Singleness is a season of life that is so often twisted between two extremes: we either want to hurry along singleness because we want a spouse for our own personal happiness, or we want to preserve the season of singleness far beyond what God has ordained for our own personal happiness. In both scenarios, the attitude toward singleness is not one that glorifies God. Do either of these seasons of "twisted singleness" apply to you?

Before I understood what the purpose of marriage was, I used to read John 15:13 only in the physical sense. That verse reads, "Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends." I really used to think that the greatest expression of love was to die a physical death for another person. But I have since learned that even greater love is the act of laying down one's daily life: it is dying to self on a daily basis, and sacrificing my needs and desires to put the other person first. That is what marriage is about. It is an opportunity to mimic what Christ did in His life here on earth. It's pretty obvious that wanting a marriage partner to make ME happy is antithetical to the idea behind this passage. But so is remaining single so you can continue laying down your life for yourself.

I am happy the way I am right now. Sure, I am serving the Lord. But is that truly my motivation for remaining single? Or is my motivation for remaining single avoiding the sanctification that comes with laying down my life for another? This is no different than the single person who desires to get married for selfish reasons: "I'm lonely. I want someone to love me." In either scenario, you cannot become more like Christ when all you are thinking about is yourself.

Earlier this week, while on the phone with a friend, I caught myself teetering dangerously close to the edge of twisted singleness. I am deliberately looking for reasons why I am content in my singleness that indicate I am single for my sake, and not for the glory of God. This is a vicious cycle in my life and it goes something like this:

I discover I'm content in my singleness for selfish reasons.
I repent and tell God I am willing to be open to a marriage partner.
The fruit of my repentance is I become truly content in my singleness for the glory of God.
That contentedness radiates in my countenance -- and a man notices me because of it.
That man expresses an interest in me, and I yield to his leadership in the relationship.
It doesn't work out for whatever reason and I wind up crushed.
I discover I'm content in my singleness for selfish reasons.

So I heard myself saying things that lead me to believe I am rationalizing that it is far better to be single because I can live the Christian life on my terms, without having to take into consideration the precious man that God has ordained as my future husband. I am the only one I need to consider when making my decisions. Sure, when a potential relationship doesn't work out, it stinks, but there's this nasty little gremlin inside me that says, "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!"

It's not the kind of yes that says, "Yes Lord, as Thou wilt Lord, have Thy way with me Lord, Thy will be done!" No, it's more the kind of yes that says, "Awesome! Now I can continue living my cushy little life without having to be bothered with some man and his pain-in-the-neck needs. Oh thank you Lord that I can serve You on my terms, the way that fits my schedule and makes me experience no pain or suffering whatsoever! Woo-hoo!"

When the Apostle Paul said that it was good for the unmarried to stay as they are (1 Corinthians 7) he did not mean that singleness was actually better than marriage. He simply meant that we are not to seek release from God's current plan for our lives. This passage is not necessarily talking about lifetime celibacy, either. (Hasn't God held you in one place for awhile, only to change the direction of your life in the proper time?) It is talking about trying to hurry along the season of singleness that God has for us. If we are single, it is because God has ordained for us to be single in that season. Likewise, there are those who try to get out of their marriages because they are equally unhappy as the poor, lonely, discontent singles. Both of these situations are rebellious toward God. The point is, we are to stay true to our calling until He calls us otherwise. Singleness is a season of life that is so often twisted between two extremes: we either want to hurry along singleness because we want a spouse for our own personal happiness, or we want to preserve the season of singleness far beyond what God has ordained for our own personal happiness. In both scenarios, the attitude toward singleness is not one that glorifies God. Do either of these seasons of "twisted singleness" apply to you?

Regardless of what your current situation is, the fact remains that 1 Corinthians 7 applies to all of us, because left to our own vices, none of us would be content with where God has us. If you are single, don't seek a spouse. If you are married, don't seek to be loosed from a spouse. God has you where He has you and thinking the grass is greener on the other side is a lack of gratitude for His perfect plan for your life. Once God has called you to a different season, that is the time to start seeking a change. But it must come from a deep recognition that He is changing your circumstances for His glory, and not for your personal happiness. We seek to be joined to a spouse because we are selfish. We seek to be loosed from a spouse because we are selfish. Left to our own wisdom, it's all about the glory of ME, isn't it?

Today I rewrote the traditional personal ad according to how it really should read, and had it published it in all the newspapers of heaven. It says:

SWF with very little to offer, seeks man I surely don't deserve, for a lifetime of complete devotion to you and your needs. I have depraved quality #1, depraved quality #2, and depraved quality #3. I can be difficult to love at times, but I promise I will do my best to forsake my selfishness and serve you. If interested, please pray before contacting me.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get a response. (*gulp!*)

It's said that a picture is worth a thousand words. This cartoon is no exception. From left to right we see Belle (Beauty and the Beast), Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel (The Little Mermaid), and Sleeping Beauty, all complaining about their husbands. What is so funny is that these are all Disney characters, and Disney World is known for being "The Happiest Place on Earth." Yet, these "desperate housewives" don't seem very happy. Each one of these ladies married a Prince Charming. Who would have ever guessed that these women would ever become disenchanted with the "perfect man"?

It's funny -- I have never been married -- but I have seen through the eyes of others what complaining can do to one's perception of what life is like in the "Happily Ever After." Don't get me wrong -- marriage is definitely hard work at times. But at other times, we can make our marriages harder than they have to be when we focus on the negative and start complaining. It may seem like just some innocent venting with the girls. But if left unchecked, this "venting session" could become a destructive habit that could prove deadly to our marriages.

Everyone has their quirks. And everyone certainly has their sin. But when we start to focus on the things that we don't like about our husbands, we become discontent. We can even become disinterested. When we lose interest, we seek to find fulfillment elsewhere. In a marital situation, this can be very dangerous. When we seek excitement in other people and things, the gap between the husband and wife widens. And as we grow further and further apart from our husbands, they begin to seek solace in other people and things as well. Before we know it, the marriage is in real jeopardy.


In the soon to be released film Fireproof, Kirk Cameron plays a firefighter whose marital relationship is terribly strained. In the movie trailer, he says, "Marriages aren't fireproof --sometimes you get burned!" His friend Michael responds, "Fireproof doesn't mean the fire never comes, but that when it does, you'll be able to withstand it." Bitterness resulting from discontentment can leave us thinking we wish we didn't get married in the first place. It can leave us thinking we've made a mistake. But we must fight to restore the joy in our marriages. They are our most important human relationships, and we must sacrifice everything to protect and preserve them.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "How do you know? You've never been married!" Well, I have never been married in the human sense, that is true. But I have been married to my Lord and Savior for fifteen years, and I am sorry to admit there have been times I have lost interest in Him.

When we lose interest in the Ultimate Bridegroom, the problem is not with Him, but with us. The Bible says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). If we lose interest, we cannot point the finger at Him and say, "You changed!" What changed was our fickle passion for Him. His beauty remains forever.

Interestingly, this was the very message given at my church last Sunday. Danny Jones, our senior pastor, presented a very compelling sermon on the human tendency to become bored with our biggest blessings in life. Sometimes, the most important things in life that we experience every day in the mundane can become very boring after a while because they seem familiar. As with newlyweds, when the things of God are new to us, we find our new relationship exhilarating. But after a few years or so, we not only become bored, we expect to be entertained! In times like these we need to examine our hearts and ask ourselves, "What is my motive here? Am I looking to serve or be served? Am I wanting to please or be pleased?"

Perhaps the biggest pitfall in our marital relationships is the idea that getting married is supposed to make us happy. Hence, the closing line of every Disney fairy tale, "And they lived happily ever after." My church is famous for quoting this little nugget of wisdom: "Marriage is not for our happiness, but for our holiness." Isn't that also true of the Christian life? Did any of us really come to Christ because we thought He'd make us happy? Jesus promises us persecutions and trials. He tells us it will not be an easy road. But it is in these trials that we are sanctified. Our holiness is at the forefront of our relationship with God. Our happiness is a by-product of this holiness, yet not the primary focus.

The Gospel should be at the center of everything we do. And if it is going to be the center of everything we do, it is going to be mundane sometimes. We cannot use this as an excuse to become lazy in our love and service to our Savior. We cannot allow this to become a justification for us to search elsewhere for fulfillment. The only way to keep ourselves Gospel-centered is to focus on the majesty, beauty, and glory of our wonderful Savior, instead of focusing on the things that are less than perfect in our lives and turning those thoughts into murmuring and complaining.

There is no perfect relationship. Even our relationship with God is constantly in need of repair as we sin against Him and ask for His forgiveness. We need to drive out the tendency to complain by focusing on all there is to be thankful for, lest we become like the women in the cartoon above. The Bible calls us to be transformed through the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2). Every time that tendency to become bored or that temptation to complain rears its ugly head, we can renew our minds through thanksgiving and praise: praise for our Savior, and praise for our husbands. "Happily Ever After" really is possible, but it can not come to us by any means other than through pursuing holiness.

Are you familiar with Proverbs 4:23? This verse is most often quoted from the KJV, and reads as follows: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." It is probably one of the most misused verses in the Bible.

Now you might be wondering, how is this verse misused? Well, let's consider that there are two reasons to "guard" something. We will either guard something in order to protect that object from others. But we will also guard something in order to protect others from that object. Which do you think is a more Biblical perspective on guarding the heart? Let me give you two illustrations.

#1: Imagine you are in a museum. You notice an exhibit that features a beautiful sculpture. It is very old and appears very fragile. Other exhibits are openly displayed, but this particular sculpture is so fragile it is encased in glass. Furthermore, the area surrounding the glass is roped off so that no one can even attempt to tap on the glass.

#2: Now imagine you are at the zoo. You notice an exhibit that features some ferocious tigers. The tigers are chained so that they cannot get too close to the bars of the cage. Furthermore, the area surrounding the cage is blocked off so that no one can get closer than six feet from the cage.

Most people interpret Proverbs 4:23 in terms of Scenario #1. The idea is to guard one's heart so that you can avoid having to suffer a broken one. Not only is this a misapplication of the scripture by taking it out of context, it is also completely antithetical to Biblical Christianity. We are not to protect ourselves by building walls around our hearts. We are called to love others, and that involves giving our hearts and lives away. Yet most people quote Proverbs 4:23 keeping in mind Scenario #1, which portrays the heart as being fragile, delicate, and easily broken. Like the sculpture in the museum, it must be protected at all costs from the outside influences that can pollute its "purity."

But the Bible describes the human heart differently. The Bible portrays the human heart as being very dangerous. The Bible says the heart as the most deceitful thing there is (Jeremiah 17:9). It is "desperately wicked" (NKJV) if not downright "sick" (NASB). We must guard our hearts, not because they are fragile, but because they have the power to destroy others. Jesus said "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders" (Matthew 15:19). No wonder we are advised in Proverbs 4:23 to keep it under close watch!


The context of Proverbs 4 shows that we must constantly feed the heart a diet of wisdom or it will turn into a monster. Psalm 119:11 states, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee," (KJV). The Word of God is the muzzle that silences the rabid pitbull inside each of us. If we want to protect others, we need to keep our hearts on the leash of God's Word so that no one gets hurt.

Bridges (2001) looks at this verse from the opposite angle. The heart does need to be protected, not from people, but from sin. In any case, the conclusion is the same: "If we do not know our weak points, Satan is well aware of them . . . the question arises, can I guard my own heart? Certainly not. This is God's work, although it is carried out through the agency of man. Resist the evil world, even in its most plausible forms. This will be a confict until the end of our lives," (p. 39). We are not to guard our hearts from getting "hurt." Rather, we are to guard our hearts so they do not run after the things of this world and in turn cause us to sin against others, God included. MacArthur (1997) writes: "The heart is the depository of all wisdom and the source of whatever affects speech (v. 24), sight (v. 25), and conduct (vv. 26, 27)" (p. 882).

This is especially important in relationships between men and women. We have the absolute power to destroy one another if we do not guard our hearts. It reminds me of two friends of mine, whom I'll call Gina and Steve. Steve began to pursue Gina very aggressively. But Gina was not sure if she was interested. So in an effort to guard her heart (and not defraud Steve), she told Steve she wasn't going to return the sentiments unless she knew she really liked him, and not just the attention he was giving her. She knew Steve had been betrayed badly in a past relationship and she wanted to protect him from her own wickedness. Gina held Steve at bay for a while so she could pray and fast over the situation. Only when she was absolutely sure she could return Steve's feelings honestly did she begin to verbally express her attraction for him.

But as soon as Gina became interested, Steve cooled off. He had said things to make her feel as though he really liked her, but once she returned the feelings, he stopped talking to her. When Gina confronted Steve about his behavior, he responded, "Gina, I'm sorry if I mislead you. I guess I just liked the pursuit. I hope in the future you guard your heart more."

Even though Steve had misused the verse, it turned out to be good advice, because Gina wanted to lash out at him. Not only did she feel cheated and deceived, she now had to bear the burden of fear: how can she ever trust the next man who tells her "God put you on my heart?" Words were exchanged and an argument ensued. Steve became very agitated. As Gina sensed his anger escalating, she remembered something she had read: "Anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected . . . if he's angry at something you've said or done . . . there is a good chance he is feeling the pain or humiliation of your disrespect" (Feldhahn, 2004, p.25). Immediately, Gina yanked the choke chain on her heart and began to apologize to Steve. Yes, he had hurt her. But she knew the only way to stop the cycle of sin was to take control of her own actions and guard her sick, desperately wicked heart before it took another bite out of Steve. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." As soon as Gina began to protect Steve from her own wickedness, he did not feel so attacked. As a result, he was able to check himself and guard his heart too.

Perhaps the worst thing about misusing Proverbs 4:23 is that it promotes selfishness. When we are constantly "guarding our hearts" in the sense that most people interpret it, we are focusing on ourselves. When we become preoccupied with "looking out for number one," we have no energy left to serve others. But when we guard our hearts as the Bible really instructs us to do, we take the focus off ourselves and are free to look out for the well-being of others.

The Bible asks, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" (James 4:1). Our sinful desires are what fuel the heart. This is what we need to guard others from. Gina desired to be right and have the last word. Steve desired to be released from any personal responsibility in the matter. When we are in these types of situations, we may not feel that we are deliberately in sin, but because our hearts are sick, depraved, and desperately wicked, they need to be restrained and muzzled before they do some real damage.

The next time someone advises you to "guard your heart," implying that you need to protect yourself, remember that the Bible teaches you do need to "guard your heart," but in an effort to protect others from you.


Bridges, C. (2001). Proverbs. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.

Feldhahn, S. (2004). For women only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men. Atlanta, GA: Multnomah.

MacArthur, J. (1997). The MacArthur study bible. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.