Reformed SHEology

Isn't it funny the way we will use all sorts of euphemisms for hatred, but not actually admit to hatred itself? We will say things like, "I admit I can't get along with John, but it's not like I hate him or anything." In this statement, I think it is clear that the act of hatred is set apart as something especially heinous, which is why we always seem to just stop short of it. In the past six months, I have noticed that I have made similar statements about a particular individual, always just stopping short of hatred. First, it was, "I don't like ______, but it's not like I hate them or anything." Then it progressed to "I can't stand to be in the same room with ______, but it's not like I hate them or anything." I would think thoughts such as, "I really would love it if ______ moved to a different time zone. But at least I don't hate this person," and "Hypothetically speaking, if ______ died, I would not be very sad. But it's not like I would dance on their grave or anything."

I finally ran out of things that just fell short of hatred, because I had to face the fact that I am indeed harboring hatred in my heart for this person.I finally ran out of things that just fell short of hatred, because I had to face the fact that I am indeed harboring hatred in my heart for this person. The realization that I hate someone is horrifying. After all, I spent so much time and energy illustrating my extreme dislike for this individual while maintaining all the while that I had not crossed the line into hatred. To acknowledge that I had indeed crossed that line is so shameful and embarrassing. God knew this whole time I was in sin, but when I first figured it out, I simply couldn't face Him. I did not pray for a few weeks because I was so ashamed of my sin. The best I could do was eek out a feeble, "God help me; I don't know what to say to You, so I'm going to ask that You speak to me instead." I tried to read Scripture, but it was easier to distract myself from my guilt by keeping busy with my daily responsibilities.

The hardest part for me to get past is the idea that I simply hate this person for no apparent reason. Usually, we tend to hate people who have done something terrible to us, especially if that involves making us angry in some way. But this person never did anything to sin against me. I just hate this person, and the more I hate, the angrier I become. Without giving away too much detail, I found myself in a position where I felt this person was, for lack of a better term, a "phony." I hate phonies. (Funny how I can confess that one with great ease - you see, they deserve to be hated for their insincerity, and for this reason, my hatred of them almost seems noble in my eyes.) But to make matters worse, I am the only person who apparently recognizes that this person is a total phony. Everyone around me seems to be saying, "Isn't so-and-so great? Oh praise God for so-and-so!" If I may be completely transparent with my readers, when I hear talk like this, I want to vomit.

From this point on, I began to view every little thing this person said or did through a self-righteous lens. And because I was viewing them this way, I became angrier and angrier over the situation. Finally, I had to remove myself from the environment in which I came into contact with this person. The Bible tells us to flee temptation, and just being exposed to this individual was tempting me to hate. Once I removed myself from that temptation, I was able to begin the process of dealing with my heart.

God has been gracious to show me other people whom "I strongly dislike, but it's not like I hate them or anything."It has not been easy so far. I still think, "Wouldn't it be great if they just dropped dead? Then I wouldn't have to worry about being friendly to them, even though I think they're a big fat phony!" But at least now I can clearly see how sinful my heart is. I have not repented, but God has been gracious to show me other people whom "I strongly dislike, but it's not like I hate them or anything." All in all, I would say I'm now up to six people or so for whom I feel that "If we never spoke again, it would be no great loss for me, but it's not like I hate them or anything."

It stinks being in this season. I have come out and confessed everything to a few trusted people in my church, and although this is important, I still don't have the godly sorrow I know I need for real repentance. I like not talking to certain people. I like having self-righteous reasons not to talk to them. This is why I cannot help myself out of this situation. I need to rely on God and God alone to restore me.

Yesterday, I prayed aloud these scriptures:

He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness until now. He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him. 11 But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes. (1 John 2:9-12)

A faithful brother offered me this response:
I will bear the indignation of the LORD,
Because I have sinned against Him,
Until He pleads my case
And executes justice for me.
He will bring me forth to the light;
I will see His righteousness. (Micah 7:9)

I will bear God's indignation for my sin. He will leave me in this pit until He pleads my case, has mercy upon me, and grants me the gift of repentance that will bring forth the light that will pull me out of the darkness of hatred. Praise God for His faithfulness! I wait expectantly for His saving grace.

It has been almost three months since I last wrote for this blog. I sensed that God wanted me to take some time off, and I knew He wanted to show me something. That something turned out to be my sin.

This last week has been especially difficult. Not only did the Holy Spirit show me that I had been previously blind to my predicament, but once my eyes were opened, I confessed it aloud to several people. I took action to avoid the triggers that tempt me. I have made a lot of progress in the last week. But acknowledging my sin and avoiding temptation is not the end of the battle. Removal of temptation does not change the heart. That battle is just beginning.

I know I'm in sin. My mind fully grasps that concept. But my heart could not care less. My heart likes my sin. It has lied to me and told me that my sin makes me powerful. It tells me that I should not repent, because it's really not that bad, and it makes me feel so good! Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have not repented. Not yet anyway. God is faithful, and repentance is coming. Just yesterday morning, I had a funny thought. I felt that I was supposed to blog my way through this. Immediately, a voice rose up inside me and said, "That's crazy! Why on earth would I want to reveal my sin on my blog?" Immediately, the answer came: "But isn't that how this site got started in the first place?"

It's true. Reformed SHEology all began because I was in sin. Once I had repented, I felt I had to write about my experience and share with others the lessons I learned. I always felt that I wrote my very best "stuff" in the early days of Reformed SHEology, when my heart was on fire after being granted the gift of repentance. Sadly, that feeling began to dry up. The last several months in particular seemed dull, like I was only going through the motions of writing. My prayer was that God would light that fire in me again, so that I could really write from the bottom of my heart, the way I used to. Creating this site and sharing my experiences in cyberspace has been one of the most personally rewarding things I've ever done, and I am convinced that this is an opportunity to experience that all over again.

Only this time, I believe God wants to take things to a deeper level. This time, I am not going to wait until I've fully repented before I start reflecting upon how this sin has affected my life. This time, I am going to start blogging while I am still in the midst of the battle. My goal is to record what I am going through now, in the hopes that working through this process publicly will bless someone.

So without further ado, let me confess my sin: it just so happens to be the very same sin that gripped me two years ago, and eventually inspired me to start this blog in the first place.

Yes, my friends. I am angry.

Part 4 in the "Men Behaving Badly" Series
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Imagine you have just graduated with your MBA and earned yourself a fantastic job on Wall Street. You show up for work on your first day, eager to bring your talents and skills to the company. You are excited at the challenges that lie ahead, and you can't wait to do your part to make this company the best it can be. Things are going great for a few weeks. But then you start to notice there is little freedom in this company. You learn very quickly that you cannot make any intelligent judgment calls on your own; you must first obtain permission. When you are given a project, it comes with a million emails instructing you exactly what to do. One day, you approach your boss with a problem and you need his help. Instead of trying to work with you, your boss proceeds to give you a lecture on what the problem is and how you should solve it. The next morning, you open your calendar and discover that every moment of your day has been prescheduled for you, including your breaks. Frustrated, you think to yourself, "Is this what I went to school for?"

According to an article at Mindtools.com, "Micromanagers risk disempowering their colleagues. They ruin their colleagues' confidence, hurt their performance, and frustrate them to the point where they quit." Nobody likes to be micromanaged at work, so imagine what it feels like to be micromanaged at home. Many men do not realize that in their sincere attempts to exhibit spiritual leadership, they instead micromanage the women in their lives. So what's the difference?

Pointing women to Christ does not mean dictating to them how you feel submission should be done.I am going to go out on a limb and say that leadership has more to do with you than it does her. Leadership is about you being accountable to God. It is not about you making sure the women in your life are accountable to God. Granted, as a man you want to point them to Christ, but this does not mean dictating to women how you feel submission should be done. That is their job, not yours. On Judgment Day, God is not going to ask you if the women in your life submitted to your leadership. He is going to ask you about you.

Ephesians 5:22 instructs women to submit to their husbands. The text then turns to men and instructs them to love their wives. Nowhere in the text are men instructed to ensure that women submit. Men who are overly preoccupied with whether or not women are submitting are not focused on their own duty to lead. As a result, their leadership suffers and they become micromanagers. Here are some examples of what this might look like:

Leadership: Trusting a woman to manage the home as she sees fit while you're at work.
Micromanagement: Leaving a woman a list of chores to do as though she were a child instead of an adult.

Leadership: Empowering your wife to perform sexually by telling her how much you want her.
Micromanagement: Disempowering your wife by telling her how much you want sex. Reminding her that her body is not her own and by refusing, she is being selfish and disobedient to God's word.

Leadership: "Honey, that neckline is a bit low and distracting. Do you think you can choose another blouse?"
Micromanagement: "I've taken the liberty of having your clothes altered so that all your necklines are a minimum of four finger widths above the point where your cleavage begins."

Leadership: Trusting a woman to make a decision without you because she knows you well enough to know what you would and would not approve of.
Micromanagement: Focusing on the fact that she did not ask your permission first, even though the decision was admittedly an excellent one, and requiring her to check in with you from now on for every little thing.

That last example can be very difficult for many men who assume leadership means that decisions are left to them alone. Yet Proverbs 31:16 tells us a different story: "She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard." A Proverbs 31 woman is like that MBA grad on Wall Street: both were "hired" for the job because of their excellent qualifications. A woman is often excited at the prospect of serving her husband. But after a few months of micromanagement, she may question his decision to "hire" her for the job of being his helper, and can even grow to despise the position altogether.

Good leadership has the power to transform many companies into healthy organizations. The same can be said for the home. Are you a spiritual micromanager? Check out this article from Mindtools.com on micromanagement in the workplace. See if you can draw any parallels between the office and your home. If you think you've been micromanaging, ask your wife's forgiveness and ask God to give you the power to resist the temptation to micromanage. God will be more than delighted to complete the work He began in you (Philippians 1:6) and turn you into the great leader He has called you to be.

To be continued . . .